Hello The Internet I Love You: The Poetry of Charlie Sheen

Hello The Internet I Love You:  The Poetry of Charlie Sheen

28

Feb

2011

Contrary to all the negative press he's gotten the last week or so, Charlie Sheen makes perfect sense.  All he needs is the right editor.MAGGOT HANDLEThis contaminated little maggotCan’t handle my powerAnd can’t handle the truth. FIRED KITTENPussyHe’s not allowed to quitSo you ...
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Read a Book, Why Don’t You: Under the Dome

Read a Book, Why Don’t You:  <i>Under the Dome</i>

27

Feb

2011

I want to like Stephen King.  I really, really do.He's undeniably an important writer, at least insofar as he's written a ton of books that have sold enormously well, and become virtually synonymous with "contemporary American novelist".  He's managed to remain successful even in a terrible downtime for fiction, and even ...
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Where Comedy Goes to Die: The Biggest Sleep of All

Where Comedy Goes to Die:  The Biggest Sleep of All

25

Feb

2011

(In 'honor' of the upcoming and sure-to-be-hilarious big-screen adaptation of Atlas Shrugged, I present some ballast from the past in the form of this Rand-Chandler mash-up.  Enjoy.)Mrs. Roark's house was outsized and showy, like you'd figure an architect's house would be.  It wasn't even a house, really; it was a big sho ...
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Have An Opinion: Optimal Outcomes

Have An Opinion:  Optimal Outcomes

25

Feb

2011

You can often tell more about a political movement by the things they choose to remain silent about than the things about which they speak out.  In the last election, it was telling that the latter-day Birchers known as the Tea Party movement were instrumental in defeating Proposition 19, a marijuana legalization initiativ ...
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The Most Beautiful Fraud: Terror in a Texas Town

The Most Beautiful Fraud:  <i>Terror in a Texas Town</i>

23

Feb

2011

Joseph H. Lewis' reputation was built on his ability to create surprisingly artful films out of extremely base material, transforming ultra-low budgets and relatively unknown casts into movies that, if they weren't cinematic classics, were at least far better than they had any right to be.  Responsible for two of the least ...
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The Sandwich Century: #3 – The Bacon Sandwich

The Sandwich Century:  #3 – The Bacon Sandwich

22

Feb

2011

English cuisine's reputations for being bland and flavorless is not entirely justified.  Sure, the things they do to vegetables should be prosecutable at the Hague, but there are plenty of dishes in the British national menu that are quite tasty.  The problem with them isn't that they're bland; the problem is that they're ...
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Lots o’ Soda: Diet Sun Drop

Lots o’ Soda:  Diet Sun Drop

22

Feb

2011

Though this may be on the verge of changing -- Dr. Pepper, having owned the brand for a while, is starting to ramp up its marketing and distribution and use it as a competitor of Mountain Dew -- but Sun Drop is a valuable lesson in the risks of underselling.  First developed in the '30s in St. Louis, it developed a loyal f ...
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War Minus the Shooting: It’s a Funny Old Game

War Minus the Shooting:  It’s a Funny Old Game

21

Feb

2011

With football season over and baseball season about to begin, that means only one thing:  it's time for the 2011 Funny Name All-Stars announcements!MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER FUNNY NAME ALL-STARSChicago Fire: Corben Bone, Baggio Husidic, Kwame Watson-SiriboeChivas USA: Kevin Gupp ...
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You Think You’re So Smart: Critical Failure

You Think You’re So Smart:  Critical Failure

19

Feb

2011

"I never met anybody," Richard Pryor once pointed out, "who said when they were a kid:  I wanna grow up and be a critic."  Did he ever meet anyone who said 'I wanna grow up and watch movies and listen to music and read books all day'?  That will remain forever unanswered, but it probably serves as another in the endless ...
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Watchin’ My Stories: “Going No-Where”

Watchin’ My Stories:  “Going No-Where”

18

Feb

2011

It was in summer of the first year of his second term that the President decided that he didn't want to go anywhere anymore.  It was announced rather precipitately to the public although it was certainly known to his inner circle for quite some time, because when you're the President you simply can't do things on the spur ...
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B List: Rock ‘n’ Roll Culinary School

B List:  Rock ‘n’ Roll Culinary School

17

Feb

2011

Since people can never get enough of pop music or good cooking, I present once again a selection of recipes from some of my favorite Rock 'n' Roll Cookbooks.  Enjoy, and as always, add your own.MANGEZ-VOUS:  SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN WITH ABBAChiquenpitaSouper TrouperWatercressNina's Pasta FlorentinaGimme! ...
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1000 Flavors of Heavy: The Hell You Say

1000 Flavors of Heavy:  The Hell You Say

16

Feb

2011

Decide was, for many years, the Old Faithful of Florida death metal.  While other bands would come and go, form and re-form, expand their sound into tech-death or prog-jazz or contract it by way of 'getting back to the basics', Glenn Benton and his not-so-merry men could be counted on to release, year afte ...
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The Most Beautiful Fraud: The King’s Speech

The Most Beautiful Fraud:  <i>The King’s Speech</i>

16

Feb

2011

It's pretty presumptuous -- not to mention trite -- for a critic to talk about the movie a filmmaker should have made instead of the one they made.  But it's also a suggestion that's inescapable after watching a movie like The King's Speech.  Here you have a concatenation of massive and fascinating historical events:  th ...
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The Sandwich Century: #2 – The Australian Steak Sandwich

The Sandwich Century:  #2 – The Australian Steak Sandwich

15

Feb

2011

In the Sandwich Century's first clash with the authenticity problem, I found myself approaching this one -- a south-of-the-equator version of the standard steak sammy -- at something of a loss.  Australian food culture, with its Thirst-flavored Life Savers and its Vegemite, has always struck me as something like a white pe ...
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Lots o’ Soda: Diet A&W Cream Soda

Lots o’ Soda:  Diet A&W Cream Soda

15

Feb

2011

Despite precedent, and with the exception of some future installments of Lots o' Soda, I normally drink diet pop.  The reason for this is that (a) I am addicted to soda and (b) I weigh six thousand pounds, so in order to extend my life beyond the time it takes to finish typing this sentence, I generally have to stick to su ...
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