Hello The Internet I Love You: The Poetry of Charlie Sheen

Contrary to all the negative press he’s gotten the last week or so, Charlie Sheen makes perfect sense.  All he needs is the right editor. MAGGOT HANDLE This contaminated little maggot Can’t handle my power And can’t handle the truth.   FIRED KITTEN Pussy He’s not allowed to quit So …

Read a Book, Why Don’t You: Under the Dome

I want to like Stephen King.  I really, really do. He’s undeniably an important writer, at least insofar as he’s written a ton of books that have sold enormously well, and become virtually synonymous with “contemporary American novelist”.  He’s managed to remain successful even in a terrible downtime for fiction, …

Where Comedy Goes to Die: The Biggest Sleep of All

(In ‘honor’ of the upcoming and sure-to-be-hilarious big-screen adaptation of Atlas Shrugged, I present some ballast from the past in the form of this Rand-Chandler mash-up.  Enjoy.) Mrs. Roark’s house was outsized and showy, like you’d figure an architect’s house would be.  It wasn’t even a house, really; it was …

The Most Beautiful Fraud: Terror in a Texas Town

Joseph H. Lewis’ reputation was built on his ability to create surprisingly artful films out of extremely base material, transforming ultra-low budgets and relatively unknown casts into movies that, if they weren’t cinematic classics, were at least far better than they had any right to be.  Responsible for two of …

The Sandwich Century: #3 – The Bacon Sandwich

English cuisine’s reputations for being bland and flavorless is not entirely justified.  Sure, the things they do to vegetables should be prosecutable at the Hague, but there are plenty of dishes in the British national menu that are quite tasty.  The problem with them isn’t that they’re bland; the problem …

War Minus the Shooting: It’s a Funny Old Game

With football season over and baseball season about to begin, that means only one thing:  it’s time for the 2011 Funny Name All-Stars announcements! MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER FUNNY NAME ALL-STARS Chicago Fire: Corben Bone, Baggio Husidic, Kwame Watson-Siriboe Chivas USA: Kevin Guppy Colorado Rapids: Nane Joseph Nane Columbus Crew: Dilly …

You Think You’re So Smart: Critical Failure

“I never met anybody,” Richard Pryor once pointed out, “who said when they were a kid:  I wanna grow up and be a critic.”  Did he ever meet anyone who said ‘I wanna grow up and watch movies and listen to music and read books all day’?  That will remain …

B List: Rock ‘n’ Roll Culinary School

Since people can never get enough of pop music or good cooking, I present once again a selection of recipes from some of my favorite Rock ‘n’ Roll Cookbooks.  Enjoy, and as always, add your own. MANGEZ-VOUS:  SOMEONE’S IN THE KITCHEN WITH ABBA Chiquenpita Souper Trouper Watercress Nina’s Pasta Florentina …

The Most Beautiful Fraud: The King’s Speech

It’s pretty presumptuous — not to mention trite — for a critic to talk about the movie a filmmaker should have made instead of the one they made.  But it’s also a suggestion that’s inescapable after watching a movie like The King’s Speech.  Here you have a concatenation of massive …

The Sandwich Century: #2 – The Australian Steak Sandwich

In the Sandwich Century’s first clash with the authenticity problem, I found myself approaching this one — a south-of-the-equator version of the standard steak sammy — at something of a loss.  Australian food culture, with its Thirst-flavored Life Savers and its Vegemite, has always struck me as something like a …