Where Comedy Goes to Die: MTV’s Cribs, Suge Knight Edition

SU-CHIN PAK: Welcome back to MTV Cribs, where we’re lucky enough to have hooked up with big Suge Knight.  He’s been gracious enough to let us join him in the large Las Vegas mansion he’s returned to after spending a bid in the…

SUGE KNIGHT: Hey.  You see that nigga?

S-CP: Uh…the guy waving his hand back and forth?

SK: Thass right.

S-CP: What about him?

SK: When he doin’ that, you askin’ me the wrong question or saying the wrong BLEEP.  So watch that nigga’s hand.

S-CP: Uh, okay.

***

S-CP: All right, this here is Big Suge’s den and recreation room.  You can see all the gold albums on the wall, and the platinum records, all the crazy metal he dropped with Death Row…

SK: The Row.

S-CP: …Right, now known as the Row.  Of course most of these records are from the Death Row years, but…

SK: Look at my man Vince’s hand, yo.

S-CP: Oh.

SK: You see what he doin’?

S-CP: Okay.  I see.  But…

SK: He wavin’ his hand.

S-CP: Okay.  Uh, anyway, so…hmm.  Well, tell us something about…uh…this couch.

SK:  BLEEP that couch, BLEEP.  That BLEEP‘s in the past.

S-CP: Uh…

SK: What’d I say, bitch?

S-CP: Fine.

***

S-CP: Okay, Suge.  What’s going on in this room?

SK: This the kitchen, fool.

S-CP: It’s crazy large!

SK: I do a lot of entertaining and BLEEP.

S-CP: How many people do you usually host at a Row bash?

SK: You just touch me, bitch?

S-CP: What?

SK: Some BLEEP just touched me.

S-CP: I didn’t…!  I…

SK: When I find out who just put they hand on me I’ma shove a BLEEP pipe up they BLEEP BLEEP.

S-CP: I swear to God, Suge, I didn’t touch…

SK: Somebody did.

S-CP: Uh, maybe the cameraman?

CAMERAMAN: Hey, BLEEP!  Don’t be putting that BLEEP on me!

SK: I want both of y’all like 20 feet from me at all times or I gotta hurt somebody.

***

S-CP: Now this room looks like it’s got something going on.

SK: Nah, we ain’t goin’ in that room.

S-CP: It looks really interesting, though.  “Conference Room”.  What are these, like, shackles on the wall?

SK: I said we ain’t goin’ in there.  That room is for private bidness dealings.

S-CP: Suge, please.  We have like six minutes of usable footage.  And it’s an hour-long show.

SK: Bitch, what I say?

S-CP: Could we just ask about the plaque on the wall?  There’s some pretty famous names up there.

SK: Them’s people I did bidness with.

S-CP: A lot of them are crossed out.

SK: Them’s people I ain’t do bidness with no more.

S-CP: How come?

SK: ‘Cause I’m finished with ’em.

S-CP: I see Biggie, Tupac…

SK: Vince!  Get in here and wave yo hand around.

S-CP: Damn.

***

S-CP: Well, Suge, we really, uh, we appreciate your time.

SK: Ya welcome.  Get the BLEEP on out of here, now.

S-CP: Is there anything else at all, any other part of the house you might want to show us?

SK: How ’bout the front porch?  Maybe you din’t see enough of it on the way in, you can take a closer look on the way the BLEEP out.

S-CP: Actually, what is this down here?

SK: …What?

S-CP: The porch is raised.  Do you keep anything under there?

SK: Vince!

S-CP: Thanks, Suge.

SK: Hey, no problem.

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