B List: Cinéma Trompeur

LITTLE-SEEN FILM CREDITS

  1. The producers would like to thank the Film Commission of Pocatello, Idaho
  2. Six animals were injured in the making of this film
  3. Promotional services provided by the Lucchese Organized Crime Syndicate
  4. Jack Valenti can eat a big fat dick
  5. Un film de Donny Most

EMERGING CINEMATIC SCHOOLS

  1. Burnercore (video recording found on discarded disposable cell phones)
  2. Islamist New Wave (Saudi religious epics filmed with the lens cap still on to avoid blasphemy)
  3. Avontronica (Shakespeare adaptations improvised by German clubgoers who have never read any of his plays)
  4. Retroattiva (multi-million-dollar big screen adaptations of little-known Italian children’s television programs)
  5. 2-D (animated films in which the action, plot, and dialogue are all written down on a piece of paper)

RECENTLY UNEARTHED FILMS NOIR

  1. Death Rides the Escalator
  2. The Curious Wart Patterns of Dr. Mihalopoulos
  3. Long Night in the Glove Box
  4. Dark Flatulence
  5. Aggravated Assault With Intent To Rob, She Typed

UPCOMING UWE BOLL PROJECTS

  1. Big Rigs:  Over the Road Racing – The Movie
  2. BloodRayne IV:  It’s Rayneing Men
  3. My Lunch Break With Kristanna Loken
  4. ThunderBoll
  5. Untitled Uwe Boll Project That is About a Zombie Hitler Coming Back to Wreak Havoc on a Haunted Cabin Full of Film Critics Who Have Been Trapped by a Storm Only the Zombie Hitler is Also Cthulhu and is Played by Uwe Boll

DIRECTORS WHO HAVE TURNED DOWN A CHANCE TO HELM AN ADAPTATION OF CATCHER IN THE RYE, AND WHY

  1. Martin Scorsese (studio told him Harvey Keitel is too old to play Holden Caulfield)
  2. Todd Solondz (script not depressing and hopelessly angst-ridden enough)
  3. Abbas Kiarostami (material is way too fast-paced and flashy)

 

  1. Victor Fleming (died two years before novel was completed)
  2. Zack Snyder (felt original source featured too few slow-motion decapitations)

 

One Response so far.

  1. Korp
    04/07/2011 at 5:45 PM

    Now I’m kind of sad avontronica isn’t a real thing.

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