War Minus the Shooting: How We Are Shitty

Leave it to Dave fucking Eggers on Grant-fucking-land to write the ultimate paean to the horseshit “Who cares if the Cubs suck forever and ever, Wrigley Field is TOTALLY SO MUCH FUN” mentality.

The thing is so reeking of sensa-wunda excrement that the not-true-since-at-least-2005 accusation that White Sox Park is “soulless” is the least of my problems with it. Much worse:

– Characterizing that piss-stinking dump as a “neighborhood” ballpark, which is accurate in the sense that it is located in an unbelievably expensive neighborhood that only the richest people in town can even afford to park in.

– The constant reinforcement of the “who cares if we win, we’re at Wrigley, WHEEEEEE” mentality, which is why I will never ever feel sorry for the dumbfuck Cubs fans, because management knows they think this way and that’s why they’ll never field a decent ball club.

– Eggers’ mistaken belief that it makes him seem like a delightful man-child with a youthful sense of wonder, instead of a hyperactive 14-year-old dullard, that he went to the motherfucking WORLD SERIES — something that millions of real baseball fans will never be lucky or rich enough to do their whole lives — and wasn’t able to pay the least bit of attention to the game because he was too distracted by the shiny lights and pretty building and fancy water and blah blah cocks in my mouth.

– Citing some of the worst things about the Cubs culture as if they were the best things about Cubs culture (“There are about 1,000 people who watch the Cubs from across Sheffield and across Waveland. Even when the stadium isn’t full, the rooftops are. This says a lot about baseball in Wrigleyville…what’s that guy doing with his stomach over there? And where’s the beer guy? And who’s playing at the Cubby Bear tonight? Peter Tosh’s brother? Should we leave after this inning to get a seat near the stage?”), and actually citing the fact that the Red Sox win ball games as being a reason not to go to games, because you expect your team to win, and the fact that they might not gets you all tense and bums you out.

– Actually having the stones to claim that the Cubs organization — the greediest, money-grubbingest, a-shit-not-givingest ownership group this side of the Yankees* — is an “inverted model of capitalism” that helps the neighborhood “profit” from its shithole of a ballpark, unlike all those clubs that have moved their parks “50 miles outside” of town. Hey, Dave: ask the local businesses who take a massive hit during every Cubs day game because people can’t afford $35 parking to come to their shops if the Cubs are good for their profit margins. Ask the city of Chicago, who has twice had to sue the team (for not performing required upkeep on the stadium and grounds), if they’re nurturing a sense of community. And ask the teams whose stadiums are located 50 miles out of town — oh, wait, you can’t, because of the 30 MLB team, 27 of them play in the city limits of their hometown, within three miles of downtown, and of the three who don’t, one of them is moving to a downtown location next year. Here’s a hint, asshole: White Sox park is actually in Chicago. The fact that you see black people there who aren’t cleaning the toilets doesn’t mean it’s in another county.

*: I take it back. The Yankees are greedy and money-grubbing, but at least they care about winning.

7 SHOTS LICKED so far.

  1. Mix
    06/09/2011 at 6:57 PM

    Excuse my German, but fuck Dave Eggers, the biggest douche I’ve ever read. His fiction alone broadcasts his uselessness and manic egotism.

  2. ChardSwissnym
    06/09/2011 at 7:03 PM

    The only good thing about his article is that it confirmed yes, Grantland will be as stupid as everyone thought.

  3. Sean Osman
    06/09/2011 at 10:18 PM

    But he tried out for The Real World! THE REAL WORLD.

  4. Taylor D
    06/10/2011 at 10:26 AM

    Love your stuff Leonard. Do you ever think about writing about sports more frequently? Or if not that, then writing and taking the piss out of sports coverage in general?

  5. DS3M
    06/10/2011 at 7:46 PM

    Agree with you completely. Have qyou heard the interview with the Ricketts patriarch explaining why he bought the cubs? “‘I don’t like sports, why do I want this’, and Tom says ‘Dad, they sell out the stadium, every game, win or lose.'” WELP, guess that worked out, they have a ton of debt, are late on a bunch of tax payments, attendance is down, team it’s overpaid hot garbage, and their awful stadium isn’t getting any better anytime soon. I’ll take the ‘soulful’ cell any day. *** And I dare someone challenge me on the soul of the only building in this town with a worlds series banner hanging on the side.

  6. Jon Morris
    06/13/2011 at 2:41 PM

    “*: I take it back. The Yankees are greedy and money-grubbing, but at least they care about winning.”

    As a Yankees fan, I thank you for clearing the air.

  7. Frank
    06/16/2011 at 7:03 PM

    I like Dave Eggers, and I like Leonard Pierce, so this whole post just produces a storm of conflicting emotions within me.

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