Solutions To All Problems Now Available
Attention media professionals, academics, authors, popular culture enthusiasts, seekers after wisdom, and other information-needing individuals and/or organizations: today is your lucky day! For today is the day I , Leonard A. Pierce Jr., announce that I am available for consultation on any and all topics — at a highly reasonable fee — as a Qualified Expert!
Ermm…on what, exactly?
Could you be a bit more precise?
I am offering my expertise to you, your organization, your institution, company, conglomerate, website, pod-cast, think tank, ruling government and/or loyal opposition, criminal enterprise, rebel group, or ‘uncategorizable’ as a Qualified Expert on all things. I will answer all questions, decide all issues, settle all arguments, reveal all secrets, pass all judgments, and provide all advice you may require, for a fee suitable to your needs and resources.
Why you, exactly?
Because I am never wrong.
You heard me.
But surely indeed. And yet here we both are.
What…I mean, you’re not saying you’re always right, are you?
No, I am saying I am never wrong. The distinction is subtle but important. However, if it furthers your trust in the Leonard Pierce, Qualified Expert experience to believe that I am always right, I am willing to settle for that interpretation of my abilities.
But what about that one time…
Yes. Even then.
You know which time I’m talking about?
And yet you still maintain…
Yes, even then I was right. No one is more surprised than me. Indeed, it was that time that convinced me that if I was not wrong under those circumstances — which seemed specifically constructed to make me wrong — then it was entirely possible, perhaps even probable, and from there a mere gavotte across the floor to inevitable, that I am never wrong.
So you’re saying that you know everything.
No, I am not saying that. I have no more access to information than any other jobless oaf with an internet connection. I do not know everything; however, I am never wrong. If you ask me a question, the answer I give you may not be factually correct, but neither will it be wrong.
I don’t think I fully understand this concept.
It is difficult to completely comprehend until you see it in action.
And I assume that’s going to cost me?
Yes. But the price may range from a cocktail to several hundred million dollars. From each according to his abilities and all that.
Who said that, smart guy?
Uh-uh, no freebies. Hit the sidewalk, freeloader.
All right, fine. For what sort of questions might I utilize your service?
- The true meaning of life
- How to make a proper Gibson cocktail
- The identity of the greatest athlete in human history
- The correct moral action in any given situation
- The soundtrack one should prepare for a specific activity, from a half-hour masturbation session to one’s betrothal ceremony to a ewe
- Advice to the lovelorn
- The rectitude and applicability of various permutations of foul language
- All correct opinions on art, literature, music, film, philosophy, and culture
- Presenting one’s self to society
- Ending a sentence with a proposition and why it is acceptable
- Employing the word ‘utilize’ instead of ‘use’ and why it is not acceptable
But, listen. Surely you don’t think that you are genuinely right about everything.
I know that I am.
I believe that I was created by God to be his own oracle on Earth, dispensing the truth to all who know to ask the right questions.
Come on. You don’t even believe in God.
So how do you know you’re always right?
It just seems like I would be.
So assuming I credit this outrageously ridiculous claim, how might I take advantage of your alleged correctness on all possible topics?
Simply write to me via this website, leonard at ludic live dot com. Let me know what your subject of inquiry is, in what venue you would like it answered (podcast, tele-vision program, e-mail, secret meeting of sinister cabal, etc.), and what learning the answer to your pressing question might be worth to you. I guarantee the process will be rewarding, satisfying, and potentially life-altering, up to but not including the point at which those terms become legally actionable. Write today! I get not wronger every minute.