Spill My Blood And Break My Bones
Hello, friends and readers!
As you probably already know if you are strangely obsessed with the financial peculiarities of people on the internet, I am a full-time freelance writer, and at the moment, 100% of my drastically tiny income is derived from writing. And although I would never suggest that I am your equal in matters of hygiene, physical attractiveness, or basic human decency, I am like you in that I got bills to pay.
Many people reach out to their readers with donation drives; I am not one of them. I work for a living, and don’t feel comfortable taking handouts for any number of reasons. First, I prefer to think that the money I get is earned, not out of any abiding love of capitalism or self-reliance, but because it pleases me to think there’s at least one thing I’m good enough at that someone will pay me to do it. Second, as you also probably already know, I did something pretty disgraceful and stupid earlier in my career, and I don’t feel like I’ve earned enough trust from my readers to ask them to pay me for doing nothing. So you won’t see a big yellow glad-hand button on this site anytime soon.
But money I need, and if money you got, I’m happy to suggest ways for you to spend it.
First and most urgently, there’s the direct approach. I offer a number of exciting and somewhat unique services via this website, all of which may be purchased by you at a surprisingly reasonable price. Real people like yourself have taken advantage of them, to the overall enhancement of their lives. Might your life be similarly enhanced? Why don’t we find out together? These services include, but are not limited to:
– Raps. For a very small fee, I will write a rap for you about food; for a slightly larger fee, I will write a ‘dis’ rap making sport of a person of your acquaintance; and for a still larger but absolutely affordable fee, I will not only wrote a rap about any subject of your choosing, but I will also record it over an illegally acquired beat and send a copy to you for your listening pleasure.
– Spice mixes. I am in the habit of creating mixes for the express purpose of enhancing the flavor of foods with a variety of ethnic and cuisine-specific herbs and spices; for not very much money, I will send you one at random, or for a bit more money, I will send you a specific blend (list of varieties available upon request) or even make you a tailored blend suited to your taste and temperament.
– Naming service. Perhaps you are writing a novel, and are unable to come up with the perfect name that communicates that your hero is a lantern-jawed no-nonsense sort of fellow disinclined to take guff. Perhaps you have crafted a home-brew and want a clever name to distract your friends from its terrible taste. Perhaps you have just had a baby, and are boring. I name things for you!
– Menu planning. Putting together a party, get-together, soiree, or ‘happening’? Lack the time, talent, or ability to put together a menu that pleases your guests and their high standards of mooching? For a reasonable fee, I will plan a multi-course menu suited to your event, complete with recipes. If you have more money than good sense, I will even come to your home and cook it for you!
– Short story subscription service. Starting in June, I will be offering a new short story, delivered exclusively via e-mail only to subscribers, each month to those who join the plan. Higher-level members will receive additional materials and even a short novella once per year! Help revive the great pulp tradition, only in a much stranger and less relatable fashion.
– Mysterious boxes of thrift. For a small fee, I will travel to a nearby thrift store, purchase a small number of items selected according to a rigorous but impenetrable process, and send them to you in the mail. For a bit more, I will drive to another city or town, purchase a larger number of items via the same enigmatic criteria, and deliver them to you via U.S. post. Thrillingly odd!
– Textual gaslighting. You send me: money and randomly selected items from your home upon which things can be written. I send you: the same items, but this time with various cryptic, disturbing, mysterious, threatening, and/or unsettling messages, slogans and other forms of unnerving one-way communication. Frighten your spouse! Drive your roommates insane! Not for gambling!
If you have any inquiries, special requests, or a desire to learn exactly what the hell I think I’m doing here, please send me an e-mail; you can learn more about these strikingly special services by clicking here, on the “American Milk Solids Council” logo on the side menu, on the chubby self-delusional aristocrat logo above, on the “menu de l’offre” link at the top of the page, or on the “PURCHASE EXCITING LUDIC LIVE INTERNET HANDICRAFTS” option on the Links menu. Payment may be made via cash or money order, or via PayPal: leonard dot pierce at gmail dot com.
I am, of course, also available to hire as a freelance writer. I have 25 years’ experience and a vast range of writing skills; I have worked for dozens of satisfied clients at alternative weeklies, websites, local and national magazines, trade and consumer publications, advertising agencies and media design firms, educational publishers, and other private companies. I have written corporate newsletters, advertising copy, album liner notes and DVD packaging copy, record reviews, film reviews, book reviews, television reviews, restaurant reviews, interviews, features, textbooks, magazine articles, fiction, humor, news reportage, obituaries, and everything in between. I have written two books and contributed to three more. There is no kind of writing assignment I can’t handle — on time, in tone, when and how you need it.
If you’re interested in hiring an experienced, efficient, and talented writer for your project, paper, or any other required writing, please consider me. A brief selection of my work can be found by clicking here, on the distressed robot head, atop the page on “Portfolio”, or in the links sidebar. If you’re looking for longer-term assignments and wish to view my CV or résumé, or if you’d like additional credits or items from my portfolio to help you make your hiring decision, please e-mail me here or at leonard dot pierce at gmail dot com.
If you prefer a more indirect way of giving me money, perhaps you’d like to purchase my latest book, If You Like The Sopranos. The first of a series by the fine folks at Limelight Editions, the book deals with the “Century of Crime”, in which a rising tide of urban organized crime was reflected in popular culture — film, television, literature, even music and video games — culminating in the development of The Sopranos, a show that forever changed the way we viewed both organized crime and television. Well-reviewed and containing a plenitude of tips for even veteran crime-show watchers, it’s available at a peach of a price by clicking here, on the pork-fed sociopath above, at the top of the page where it says “BUY MY BOOK”, or on the self-evident sidebar locations. Buy enough copies, and I may get some royalties — or another book deal.
In addition, please watch this space — I’m hoping to make an announcement within the next two weeks about the availability for purchase of my next book, a collection of short humor entitled Moods from Marbletown. It’ll be available as POD from Lulu.com, with the majority of the profit coming to me and not to middlemen. If you have any inquiries about my books, again, please e-mail me: leonard dot pierce at gmail dot com.
There are also plenty of ways to support me and my work without spending a dime. Obviously, I would prefer that dimes be spent, as my creditors do not accept the clicking of a “Like” button as legal tender, but my name is my name, and I appreciate any and all support you care to give me:
You can visit my Tumblr at First World Problems and learn about the intolerable suffering of white people in America.
You can listen to the outstanding, award-nominated podcast Wasted Words, on which I am a regular guest panelist.
You can purchase the AV Club’s Inventory…
or Chunklet’s Indie Cred Test, both of which feature many contributions from me.
You can get a load of the High Hat, an internet journal of arts and culture I was pleased to write for and edit for several years.
Again, please watch this space for announcements of future projects. I encourage and appreciate your custom, and those of you who put some money my way are guaranteed a place in Heaven if by some hilarious misunderstanding I am ever elected God. You can always contact me via e-mail (leonard dot pierce at gmail dot com), telephone (210-569-4082), or postal service (4051 Tallulah Drive; San Antonio, TX 78218). All inquiries welcome, all projects considered, all offers 100% genuine. Thank you for your continued attention.