Too Busy to Hate
LOGAN COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT HATE CRIMES DESK — DUTY LOG, 08/19/2012
4:05PM. Margaret Willoughby, Big Creek. Called to report some kids knocked over her mailbox with a baseball bat and wanted to know was that a hate crime. Informed her it was not. She explained that mailbox contained fundraising letter from Hispanic televangelist. Told her the kids probably didn’t know that. She asked what kind of crime is it then? Said it was just a regular crime.
5:11PM. Harold Yang, Chapmanville. Called to report that a guy bought some shrimp lo mein and ran off with the takeout order without paying. Told him wasn’t sure that was a hate crime. He informed me that he was born in Hong Kong. Said I knew that but running off with takeout without paying isn’t really a hate crime as such even if it’s Chinese takeout. He asked well what if the guy called him a dirty slope as he ran off, then would it be a hate crime? Told him yes, possibly, did the guy do that? He said no but I just wanted to know for the future in case it happened he wanted to be prepared. Said it always helps to be prepared. He said how’s about I ‘prepare’ you some chicken satay? Said nice segue but no thanks.
5:35PM. Bobby (no last name given but it was Bobby Carteret, you can tell from how he pronounces his Rs funny), Switzer. Called to ask if it was a hate crime to beat up a nigger. Told him yes, and also to call somebody that. He asked well what about a queer? Said yes. He asked well how about that Jew boy what runs the satellite TV store? Said yes, Bobby, that too. He said well goddamn it who CAN I beat up without getting in even more trouble, because Terry Letcher run off with my riding lawnmower and I’m pissed as hell. Told him beating up anyone is against the law but not that I’m condoning violence or anything but your best bet would probably be beating up Terry Letcher. He said but he’s a redhead. Told him that doesn’t count as a hate crime. He said okay and hung up. Called Jimmy in Car 22 and told him to head on over to Terry Letcher’s farm.
6:06PM. Anamarie Linsdorf, Henlawson. Called to say she does too. Said you do too what? She said I’m calling the hotline to say me too. I said me too what? She said what? I said what? She said what? I said I’m not really following you here, Mrs. Linsdorf. She said this is the hate crime hotline, isn’t it? I said yes’m. She said well I’m just calling to say I also hate crime. Said oh, I see. She said crime, criminals, gangs, the drugs, I hate ‘em all and I just wanted to say keep up the good work. Thought about correcting her but decided it wasn’t worth it.
7:41PM. Terry Letcher, Switzer. Called to say Bobby Carteret just beat the shit out of him with a hoe for no reason than he borrowed his riding lawnmower and it was a hate crime. Said you can report it to Jimmy but it ain’t a hate crime. He said bullshit it ain’t, Bobby told me he hates me a bunch of times. Told him it’s not a hate crime, it’s just Bobby Carteret beating your ass like he does every two days or so because you’re both a couple of meth heads who are always stealing each other’s stuff and maybe this wouldn’t happen so often if you quit tweaking and got a job. He said this officer’s response to him was a hate crime. Told him no it wasn’t neither. He said what if I convert to Judaism, can I get some hate crime then? Told him yeah, that would be okay, but it would only cover future beatings after your conversion and he couldn’t get any credit for what Bobby Carterer done up to this point. He said he’d have to think about it.
8:29PM. Mansur al-Ismail, Logan. Called to report that a bunch of dudes came into his gas station and whupped him with a crowbar, calling him a towelhead and chanting “U.S.A.! Go back to Muzzie Arabia!”, and was that a hate crime? Said yes, it was and got very excited about first-ever actual hate crime reported in two-year history of this department. Took down vital information about time and place of crime until caller informed this officer that he worked at I.P. Freely’s Gas Emporium at 1234 Dumbass Avenue. Took rest of night off.