ATHLETIC, EXCITING SWM, fit, 5’10”, professional, intelligent, caring, well off, 35 and full of love. Seeking attractive SF 25-40 who likes sophisticated fun and active entertainment. Likes: hiking, running, road trips, quiet dinners, Scotch tastings, new nightclubs, spontaneity, romantic cruises. Dislikes: hot weather, getting up early, taxes, cheap beer, getting lost, and being alone. Box 30816.
ATTRACTIVE, SECURE SWM, in good shape, tall and handsome. I haven’t got any responses to my last ad, which is sort of shocking, because I thought it was pretty good. I’ve got a lot to offer, and a lot of love to give. I like all kinds of things, from boating to walking along the beach to watching TV with a special lady. These ads cost money. Not that I’m, you know, desperate for money or anything, but still. I took a class and everything. Box 30816.
IT CAN’T BE JUST ME, can it? Let me know! My friend Jerry says women like that, when you ask them questions. I don’t meet a lot of women, so I don’t know. Not that I’m queer, I mean gay, or weird or anything. I’m just really busy at work, where I make a lot of money. Not that I wouldn’t have time for you. I would. My point is, I think my first ad was fine. If you have an old copy, go read it, or click here and listen to me reading it. I have a good voice, don’t you think? Box 30816.
OKAY, IT’S BEEN A MONTH NOW, and this is starting to piss me off. I know these ads are going up. I see them right there on the screen. What are you, all blind or something? I’m still young. I make a shitload of money. I like rollerblading and giving flowers and going to chick movies and all that crap. I’m good looking. Seriously. I’m not some freak or something. I’m in good shape. I didn’t list my weight because the lady in the class told me you weren’t supposed to do that, but I’m not fat. I weigh 185. There, are you happy now? I’m a total fucking catch. E-mail me! Box 30816.
DID I COME ON TOO STRONG? I came on too strong, I can tell. I’m sorry. I yelled and I was mean and I’m sorry. I don’t really act like that most of the time. It wasn’t your fault. I don’t mean to make a big thing about money, and, look if you like hot weather and cheap beer, that’s fine. I’m easygoing. It doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. And I didn’t mean anything sexual by that “sophisticated fun” thing, I meant like plays and stuff. Is it the Scotch-tasting thing? They’re totally normal, like wine tastings. I’m not an alcoholic. If you don’t like my ad, I can change. I swear. I can write a better ad. Please. Box 30816.
I GUESS I’LL JUST DIE ALONE AND UNLOVED. And that’s fine. I’ve come to terms with it. I just have to move on. I’ll just go home now to my Lincoln Park condominium, which I’m not bragging about, I’m just saying it as a matter of fact, and sit there alone, and learn to live with the fact that no one will ever respond to my ads. I’m not sorry I placed them, not anymore. It’s all part of the process of growing and healing. I can be happy again. I can. My sister says she knows someone. Box 30816.