Our Endless Numbered Laffs

MON-EL’S BIGGEST COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE MILLENNIUM HE SPENT IN THE PHANTOM ZONE

1. No cable

2. General Zod wouldn’t stop telling that one story about how he first decided to become an astronaut

3. “Friday Night Fish Surprise” was just Mrs. Pal-El’s fish sticks with ranch dressing

4. Nam-Ek smelled like rhino’s ass

5. Was in there for a thousand years, and Az-Rel hogged the Zone-o-Phone for at least 900 of them

MY FAVORITE NUMBERED LISTS

1. 5

2. 8

3. 10

4. 7

5. 3

SHORT-LIVED NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

1. Patch things up with Poland (Adolf Hitler, 1938)

2. Stay away from the nurses (Richard Speck, 1966)

3. Get serious about finishing that new novel (J.D. Salinger, 1964-2010)

4. Ask the guys to let me back in the band (Pete Best, 1963)

5. Don’t, I dunno, get run over by a laundry truck or something (Roland Barthes, 1980)

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

1. My two front teeth

2. My left kidney

3. The second, fourth and fifth fingers of my right hand

4. The lower three inches of my spine

5. All the other stuff I lost in the fight with that security guard at SantaLand Village

IF JESUS WERE ALIVE TODAY

1. he’d have a bitch of a time finding someone to translate his witty remarks from Aramaic

2. people would try and think of a polite way to tell him he smells bad

3. he’d wonder why everyone called his name after hitting their thumbs with a hammer

4. he’d be kinda grossed out by all the crucifixes

5. he’d probably just sit around all day Googling himself

TO ALL THE GIRLS I’VE LOVED BEFORE

1. Who’ve traveled in and out my door

2. Who haven’t said that I’m a bore

3. Who put up with my open sore

4. Who I met at the dollar store

5. Not counting that one ten-buck whore

PEOPLE WHO LOST THE JOB OF NOTHINGNESS MASCOT TO JACK SHIT

1. John Crap

2. James Dung

3. Joe Squat

4. Bo Diddley

5. Morris Fuckall

MYSTERIOUS AILMENTS

1. Erin Gray’s Disease

2. Thumposis

3. Operatic regurgitation

4. The howling snufflies

5. Juvenile-onset clinical stank

AARSTEIN’S ZOOLOGIST: THE FUNNIEST ANIMALS IN NATURE

J: JACANA. Tropical bird with very long legs and crooked neck. Wades through water in comical fashion. Makes funny noise. Not that funny, really, but closest competition is terrifying jaguar and profoundly unfunny Japanese beetle.

K: KOOKABURRA. Faces strong competition; almost all animals starting with ‘K’ are funny, including fellow Australian laugh-riot animals such as the kiwi and the kangaroo. Kookaburra wins on strength of incredibly funny name, bizarre bird call, and alternate name: ‘the laughing jackass’.

N: NENE. Vegetarian duck from Hawaii. Endangered. Comical-looking. Sounds vaguely dirty.

S: STINK BUG. Even funnier than dung beetles. Sometimes called stink beetle, which is almost as funny. Is hemipterous. Emits “disagreeable odor”. Name contains the word ‘stink’.

U: UPLAND SANDPIPER. Admittedly, the upland sandpiper is not particularly funny, but its only rial competition is the urial, so it sort of wins by default. The least funny of all the funniest animals, the upland sandpiper is more what scientists call ‘quirky’ than funny.

MY FAVORITE TRADE MAGAZINES

1. Typesetter!

2. Industrial Medical Launderer’s Monthly

3. Chemical Castration Professional’s Digest

4. Letters to Industrial Medical Launderer’s Monthly

5. Outsourcing Today

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