My home base of San Antonio, like many overgrown frontier towns where the remnants of bloody old colonial powers contend with the ascent of new money and power, is insane. But because it is rarely the spectacular craziness of the big cities, its public entities communicate the most recent ripples of madness in a way that charmingly straddles breezy folksiness and crass self-seriousness, in a curious attempt to reconcile the town’s ‘little big city’ tourist appeal to its often-ugly big city realities. The finest expression of this David Lynchian atmosphere is in the KSAT News feed on Twitter, operated by the city’s largest media conglomerate; it scans in the most peculiar manner, like a small-town news blotter whose compiler is about to have a nervous breakdown but doesn’t want to get disinvited from the better parties. Herewith a selection of recent headlines from same, which, I hope, will illustrate why I try never to leave the house.
- Teens beat men with gardening shears
- Body found in car at Gonzales Walmart
- Cowboys tight end feeling like himself again
- San Antonio police arrest man accused of robbing taco truck
- Woman says she was burned during hot stone massage
- River Authority spends money on birthday cakes, dice
- Bomb threats, hoaxes wearing thin
- Police arrest man for stealing golf clubs then trying to sell them to cops
- Van crashes into home, driver flees scene
- Texas rape trial fugitive found sitting on toilet
- Father test-driving son’s motorcycle crashes
- Cheerleader’s mom arrested at teen drinking party
- Hunger pangs drove man to strangle pelican
- Man chokes mother in argument over air conditioning
- Woman bites sister’s nose off
- Woman shot in face while jogging in park
- Non-specific threat made to inbound flight
- Rare spider halts highway construction
- South Side tire shop run, operated by women
- Mayor Castro talks to Siri
- Local environmentalists sweat spaceport proposal
- East Texas man enjoys custom guitar-making
- Woman finds shooting victim on bus bench
- Wipe electronics clean before recycling: experts
- Woman says she found mouse in spinach
- Home catches fire twice in one week
- DWI suspect leads police on 70-mile-long chase
- Deputy accused of beating wife with refrigerator door
- Mother pleads for deceased son’s laptop
- Exotic dancer gives state custody of kids
- Old organs give new hope
- Text message dispute ends with cutting
- Man accused of posing as UPS deliveryman, pepper-spraying resident
- Proton therapy with Dr. Bradley
- Apple introducing new gadget
- Business confirms cleaning woman stole lawn furniture
- Stopping storms in your brain
- Petite woman sought in Walgreens robbery
- Man accused of punching, spraying 99-cent store manager
- Pregnant woman run down by bus gives birth; expected to recover
- Man shot in face at convenience store
- Police find electronics inside suspicious box
- Man shoots identical twin for $20
- Man who claims he stopped stabbing posts in online forum
- News team searches for gas in Louisiana
- Mothers angry about bus driver mistakes
- Escalator malfunction injures several
- Gas leak causes tense moments at Catholic school
- Sudden cardiac arrest
- Woman charged in drag dogging case
- Special-needs boy stabs father in front of school
- Photographer outside of boarded-up CVS
- Randy Travis’ truck found abandoned in field
- State may reconsider sending prostitutes to prison
- Woman injured when gun fires in bed
- Electrocuted Sea World employee honored
- Man dies after being run over by two cars
- Physician’s assistants growing in popularity
- Man cries after murdering mom
- Judge taped beating daughter to get pay cut
- Cardiac advice for kids
- Woman steals iPad from 3-year-old
- Man arrested for robbery after owner spots stolen sword
- Woman charged in drunken tubing incident
- Disabled parents enjoy water-ski adventure
- Man proposes to girlfriend while being arrested
- Dozens attend bat party
- Teen showing off slams car into tree
- Deer shot with arrow killed by police
- Experimental treatment helping people with bad bones
- Man fights to keep wife buried in yard
- Another all-boys school opening
- Teacher convicted after sex with 5 students
- Mom & son held in multi-million-dollar toy theft
- Woman sues Cowboys for burns to buttocks
- Man gunned down, run over
- Bus leaving town bursts into flames
I vow to steal at least one of these if I ever finish my dumb comic.