Yule Be Sorry
As you know, the holiday season is upon us. Posting has been light around here of late due to professional obligations, health care issues, and the usual hubbly bubbly of the season, but we should be back in full swing by the start of 2013 with all your favorite features: impotent political posturing, incomprehensible quasi-‘jokes’, and in-depth reviews of things you’ve never heard of.
In the meantime, though, if you’re at a loss for what to give your loved ones, family members, co-workers, or resentful neighbors for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ashura, Winter Solstice or Taiwanese Constitution Day, why not consider one of the many fine products and services offered by this very website? They’ll make your holidays happier, and mine too, because money!
First of all, if you enjoy crime dramas, insightful pop cultural criticism, or photographs of Joe Pesci getting his brains blown out, you are the ideal reader for my book, If You Like The Sopranos. Plenty of copies are still available from your favorite physical or on-line book retailer, or from the publisher; check out the details here.
If you’d like to read a book that’s funny on purpose, why not consider my short humor collection, Moods from Marbletown? It’s crammed with highbrow literary comedy of the sort that you might find on much more reputable websites, but it’s not free, and won’t impress your friends. Unless you’re friends with me! Which you are! The funniest thing you’ll read from now until the end of the year, probably, and a flaming pile of bargain to boot. Buy in paper or electronic form from the publisher, or the usual on-line suspects.
Tired of all this stuff that’s already been written? Why not sign up for a brand-new, original short story every month, from me to you? For a mere ten bones, I will craft a piece of short fiction and send it to you in the format of your choosing; for $100, you get an entire year’s worth of short stories, one per month; and for $2,500, I will send you an original piece of writing once a month until one of us dies or the internet stops working. Details here, or e-mail me: leonard dot pierce @ gmail dot com.
Do you like eating more than you like reading? God knows I like eating more than I like writing. Sometimes I do both at the same time, which accounts for the awful state of my manuscripts. For fifteen measly dollars, I will craft a special spice mix tailored to your tastes and preferences; twenty gets you more than twice as much. I also offer menu planning for your parties, festivals, and other social whang-dang-doodles; $20 gets you a six-course menu plan, complete with recipes. I’ll even come to your house and cook it, for a fee that is surprisingly reasonable for something you’ll never forget, for good or ill.
Are you a writer yourself, or just someone who likes inventing things, founding things, or giving birth to things, but you can never think of the right name? I offer a professional naming service, which you can use to gain a royalty-free, dynamic and successful-sounding name for your fictional characters ($10), business, arts projects, recipes, inventions, etc. ($20), or pets/children ($40). Names are important! Don’t let your corporation/infant make it to the free market/preschool without one! Details here, or e-mail me: leonard dot pierce @ gmail dot com.
Would you like a special gift for your furry little ‘forever friend’? Then I can’t help you. Unless you’d like a rap song written about your pet! Yes, I will compose a “food rap” for the living creature of your choice for one Andrew Jackson (that is to say, twenty dollars, not an actual person or a dead former president); or a “dis rap” mocking and deriding any individual or group for $30! And for only fifty bones, I will not only write the rap for you, but record it, and send you the mp3! Try and get that deal from 50 Cent, or for 50 cents. Details here, or e-mail me: leonard dot pierce @ gmail dot com.
Perhaps you are so lazy that you are unwilling to even get up off of your big ass and go to a thrift store to buy some crazy cheap shit that used to belong to someone even lazier than you. In that case, you’re a man/woman/other after my own heart! My thrift plunder service gets you a small box of randomly selected items from a second-hand store here in San Antonio delivered to your door for only $20, or, for $30, a large box of even more randomly selected items from a retailer of despair from another town altogether! Be part of an astonishing experiment in post-modern consumerism. Details here, or e-mail me: leonard dot pierce @ gmail dot com.
The holidays are a stressful time, and sometimes you want nothing more than to make your beloved spouse, children, loved ones or significant others fear for their lives and, eventually, go irrevocably insane. I can even do that for you! With my unique textual gaslighting service, we’ll work together to transform ordinary household items from your home into terrifying omens of imaginary fear and mysterious terror. And nothing spells Christmas more than that! Only $75 for endless psychological hilarity. Details here, or e-mail me: leonard dot pierce @ gmail dot com.
Thanks for your kind custom, folks, and happy holidays!