Break Down, Baby

SUGGESTED WAYS TO DISPOSE OF MY BODY

1. Ground into paste and surreptitiously mixed into fanciful coffee drinks at Lincoln Park Starbucks

2. Turned into decaying, offensive puppet by German performance artist

3. Used as reanimated zombie drug mule by Haitian coke dealers

4. Brain used as defective component by modern-day Dr. Frankenstein in his monstrous Promethean creation, which subsequently goes on a horrific gin-drinking, comic-book-reading, pointlessly-complaining rampage

5. Placed in exhibit at Field Museum of Natural History entitled “The Man With the 33-Inch Penis”

SATAN’S FAVORITE PIES

1. Soulberry

2. Banana Nut Seared Flesh

3. Adulterer Nut

4. Peach

5. Créme de Festering Heart of an Unbeliever

POSSIBLE FINISHING MANEUEVERS FOR ME IF I BECOME A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER

1. The Bellyacher

2. The Delivered-with-Great-Effort Suplex

3. The Coronary Thrombosis

4. The Proaieretic Sequence

5. The Forfeit

HOW’S ABOUT A NICE HAWAIIAN PUNCH?

1. How’s about a nice Tahitian curb-stomp?

2. How’s about a nice Balinese eye-gouge?

3. How’s about a nice Icelandic hair-pull?

4. How’s about a nice Okinawan crotch shot?

5. How’s about a nice Mauritian spinal cord injury?

THE LEAST SHOUTED-OUT COMMUNITIES IN HIP HOP HISTORY

1. Qaasuitsup, Greenland

2. Fire Island

3. Puerto Navarino, Chile

4. Pocatella, ID

5. Lokka Reservoir, Finland/South Jersey (tie)

IF ROLAND BARTHES WERE A GIANT EVIL ROBOT

1. The destructural, or crushing, code

2. The microanthropic, or puny human, code

3. The nonmilitilitarian, or your weapons are useless against me, code

4. The amusomaniacal, or ha ha ha ha ha! fools, code

5. The regaliversalist, or all will kneel before the mighty wrath of BarthesBot, code

CHARACTERS FROM THE GODFATHER PART II AND THE TEEN CRAZES THEY INSPIRED

1. Johnny Ola: sitting around with a hat on your lap

2. Rocco: being nicknamed “Rocco”

3. Frankie Pentangeli: convincing your brother to grow a walrus mustache

4. Hyman Roth: watching football games while your wife makes you a tuna sandwich

5. Willie Cicci: being played by beloved character actor Joe Spinnell

DEVIANT SEXUAL PRACTICES UNIQUE TO THE DC UNIVERSE

1. DeSaadomy

2. Cluemasterbation

3. Georgeperezbianism

4. Riddler in the Front, Joker in the Back

5. Chemosexuality

LITTLE-KNOWN GRECO-ROMAN GODS

1. Capitata (goddess of cabbage)

2. Asthenia (goddess of obsessive-compulsive disorder)

3. Hector (god of recycling)

4. Oxaloaceticus (god of oxaloacetic acid)

5. Chloros (god of seasickness)

REVISED STATIONS OF THE CROSS, STARRING JERRY LEWIS

1. Jerry breaks up with Dino
2. Jerry parts ways with Paramount
3. Jerry tries his hand at directing
4. Jerry begins working with the Muscular Dystrophy Foundation
5. The French hail Jerry as a genius
6. Sammy tells Jerry he should write his own scripts
7. Jerry stars in Which Way to the Front?
8. Jerry gets a prime-time comedy show
9. Jerry attempts to make The Day the Clown Cried
10. Jerry’s big comeback
11. Jerry starts to take himself very seriously
12. Jerry dies on stage
13. The body of Jerry is cremated and the ashes scattered over the Catskills
14. Jerry Lewis: the E! True Hollywood Story

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