Of Grievances

UNSUCCESSFUL DOG BREEDS

1. Comptonian Malamute

2. East German Shepherd

3. Melancholy Dane

4. Rhodesian Racist

5. Wireless Terrier

WORST POSSIBLE BAND NAMES

1.  Eichmann Tina Turner

2.  Harcourt Fenton Mudvayne

3.  Fag of Convenience

4.  Englebert Needledick

5.  Muslimgauzey Muslimgauzebourne

THINGS PABLO PICASSO WAS CALLED, OTHER THAN AN ASSHOLE

1. Fuck-knuckles

2. Cock-wrangler

3. Dipshit

4. el monopito

5. Pablo Picasshole

SON OF WORST POSSIBLE BAND NAMES

1.  The Suge Knight Conflict Resolution Society

2.  Ritchie Blackmore’s Reading Rainbow

3.  Danny Elfman Needs Food, Badly!

4.  Sussudio-intellectual

5.  When People Like Red Smed and the Hot to Trot Smash the System Boogie Band Were Shorter And Lived Near The Water And Were Known By the Trail of Dead

TELLING IF IT IS SUNDAY

1. Hey, is today Sunday?

2. No way. It can’t be Sunday already.

3. It doesn’t feel like Sunday.

4. Holy shit. Look at the fucking calendar. It is Sunday.

5. Dude, I can’t believe it’s Sunday.

WORST POSSIBLE BAND NAMES’ REVENGE

1.  I Love You But I’ve Chosen Digger Harkness

2.  Swift Boat Veterans for Truth and Soul

3.  The Jesus and Mary Cheney

4.  The North American Fanboy Love Association

5.  God’s Peed, You Black Emperor!

NICHE-MARKET PUBLICATIONS

1. American Leeching Enthusiast

2. Cuttlefish Fancier

3. Better Sheds and Tar-Pits

4. Pancreatic-Cancer-Stricken Boardgamer Weekly

5. Blood and Roses: A Magazine for People Who Like To Murder Florists

REVENGE OF THE CURSE OF THE CREATURE’S WORST POSSIBLE BAND NAMES

1.  H.M.S. Pinochet

2.  Morbidly Obese Angel

3.  Pastel-Packin’ Monet

4.  Single Bullshit Theory

5.  Batroc the Freeper

UNPOPULAR MEDICATION DELIVERY VECTORS

1. intracrurally

2. via osmosis

3. hypodermic shotgun

4. piggybacked on Ebola infection

5. in the form of a long, tedious lecture on gum care by Wilford Brimley

DUDE, WHERE’S MY WORST POSSIBLE BAND NAMES?

1.  Le Corbusier You, Le Corbusier Me

2.  Peter Graves Digs Girls

3.  Randolph Manteat

4.  Tall, Tansut and Terrific

5.  The North Atlantic Titty Organization

LITTLE-KNOWN STATE SYMBOLS

1. .45 ACP (official state ammunition of Texas)

2. Ol’ Chief Smoke-Em-Up (official state wooden Indian of Nebraska)

3. “cocksucker” (official state profanity of Colorado)

4. Haskell (official state programming language of Massachusetts)

5. Wisconsin (official state state of Minnesota)

PLACE NAMES TO AMUSE SIXTH-GRADERS

1. Lake Titicaca

2. Mount Pupidudu

3. Fort Shittycrapsnatch

4. The Goddam-Motherfucken Forest

5. The Mrs. Hilliard is a Dried-Up Old Cranberry Fart River

LITTLE-KNOWN GENOCIDES

1. Oompa-Loompas, 1960, by Ghanaian mercenaries acting under the direction of the Lollipop Guild

2. Smurfs, 1991-1993, by Walloon separatists

3. Schmoon, 1959-1971, by Dogpatchians (Dogpatch has long denied any involvement in genocide, claiming the Schmoo “enjoyed being eaten”)

4. Antarcticans, 1852, by North Poleans

5. Unnamed microscopic civilization of some five billion citizens living in lunar crater, 1969, by Buzz Aldrin’s right foot

MORE RE-IMAGINED SCIENCE FICTION TV SHOWS

1. Automan: The Next Generation

2. Far Out Space Nuts 2013

3. The Invisible Man: More Invisible Than Ever

4. Electro-Woman, Dyno-Girl, and a Chinese Baby

5. The Even Better Powers of Matthew Star Jr.

WORDS THAT SOUND LIKE INSULTS BUT AREN’T

1. thistle

2. bromo

3. jigger

4. brick

5. passel

REPLY





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