From E.S.L. to A/S/L

ON THE INTERNET 

To Do and Say

  • TO THINK:  “I have not been completely inundated with self-validation about _____.”
  • TO SAY:  “Am I the only person in the world who thinks _____?”

 

  • TO THINK:  “I am irrationally excited by the overly familiar.”
  • TO SAY:  “Squeeee

 

  • TO THINK:  “I do not know the facts.”
  • TO SAY:  “I’m sorry, but those are just the facts.”

 

  • TO THINK:  “I have insufficient information to have an informed opinion about _____.”
  • TO SAY:  “The problem is that you’re focused on _____, when the real problem is _____”

 

  • TO THINK:  “My job and/or home life is extremely unfulfilling.”
  • TO SAY:  “This altered photograph of Gene Wilder as Willie Wonka should make my feelings on this matter clear.”

 

TO DO:  A woman has asked to be treated with a modicum of respect.  Explain why she is a dirty whore.

  • TO THINK:  “It is really a matter of public health.”
  • TO SAY:  “You are fat.”

 

  • TO THINK:  “I cannot be bothered to articulate my thoughts on this issue, because I am playing Angry Birds.”
  • TO SAY:  “Meh.”

 

  • TO THINK:  “I am having an affair with your sister.”
  • TO SAY:  “I think it’s sad that you can’t learn to trust other people.”

 

  • TO THINK:  “I am desperately insecure.”
  • TO SAY:  “I have just checked in as the new Mayor of _____.”

 

  • TO THINK:  “Everyone is wrong but me.”
  • TO SAY:  “There are extremists on both sides of this issue.”

 

TO DO:  Justify your own constant appropriation of other peoples’ work while scolding someone about creator’s rights.

  • TO THINK:  “I cannot comfortably conceive of a person whose tastes are at variance with my own.”
  • TO SAY:  “If you don’t like _____, I don’t think we can be friends.”

 

  • TO THINK:  “I take offense at everything.”
  • TO SAY:  “I take offense at that.”

 

  • TO THINK:  “I am a dolt.”
  • TO SAY:  “tl;dr”

 

  • TO THINK:  “I find my own neuroses endlessly fascinating.”
  • TO SAY:  “I guess I just don’t conform to your mainstream standards.”

 

  • TO THINK:  “I am a huge asshole.”
  • TO SAY:  “I am the moderator of a Men’s Rights forum.”

 

TO DO:  Oh, no, it’s raining!  Tell your friends in other parts of the country how they have no idea what bad weather is really like.

  • TO THINK:  “I have no idea what is happening, what is happening, make things stop happening”
  • TO SAY:  “Reply:  All”

 

  • TO THINK:  “I think of other people primarily as marketing tools for my personal obsessions.”
  • TO SAY:  “Please RT”

 

  • TO THINK:  “I have just read the Wikipedia entry about _____.”
  • TO SAY:  “Obviously, you don’t know anything about _____.”

 

  • TO THINK:  “I did not write this.”
  • TO SAY:  “This is problematic.”

 

  • TO THINK:  “I am a hypocrite.”
  • TO SAY:  “I am on the internet.”

 

TO DO:  Explain someone else’s joke to them.

2 SHOTS LICKED so far.

  1. ALTPRINT
    01/15/2013 at 10:47 PM

    An amazing series of japes! I really enjoyed reading this.

  2. Corimu
    01/16/2013 at 11:57 AM

    Yay! Fun!

REPLY





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