Teach Us To Number Our Gags, O Lord

POOR-SELLING CELEBRITY COOKBOOKS

1. Jackie Mason’s Sculpting with Chopped Liver

2. Someone’s in the Kitchen with U.S. Undersecretary of State for Democracy and Global Affairs Maria Otero

3. Vincent Gallo’s Cooking for Faggots

4. My Hands Hurt with Jennifer Aniston

5. Journey to the Center of John Madden’s Unthinkable Gullet

FROM BAD TO WORST #1

1. 2Pac: The Lost Recordings

2. 2Pac: The Last Recordings

3. 2Pac: The Least Recordings

4. 2Pac: The Lust Recordings

5. 2Pac: The New Recordings

UNPOPULAR COCKTAILS

1. Fuzzy Toenail

2. Rob Zombie

3. Bloody Nipple

4. Non-Consensual Sex on the Beach

5. Screaming Neck Spasm

FROM BAD TO WORST #2

1. The Godfather Part III

2. The Godfather Part IV: The Funeral of Mary Corleone

3. The Godfather Part V: Avenging Dubstep Godfather

4. The Godfather Part VI: Enzo’s Revenge

5. The Godfather Part VII: Fredo vs. Jason

LITTLE-KNOWN GHOSTWRITING ASSIGNMENTS

1. William Faulkner: wrote a Popeye short in 1938 entitled “If I Should Forsake Thee, O Sea Haggie”

2. Abigail Van Buren: guest-pencilled several issues of Blood Carnival for EC comics

3. Rush: were actually the Sex Pistols

4. Kurt Cobain: ghosted the introduction to the 1991 revised edition of Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking

5. Jesus: wrote early version of Ben-Hur as a vanity project

FROM BAD TO WORST #3

1. Everybody Loves Raymond

2. Everybody Loves Raymond Chandler

3. Everybody Loves Tyson Chandler

4. Everybody Loves Chandler Bing

5. Everybody Loves Bing Crosby or He Beats Them

THAT AND A DOLLAR WILL GET YOU…

1. …one twelve-thousandth of an hour of Alex Rodriguez’ time

2. …most of a Haitian baby

3. …a kid down at the playground to eat a wadded-up ball of aluminum foil

4. …six thousand shares of Zynga

5. …the words “a cup of coffee” written on a morning newspaper

FROM BAD TO WORST #4

1. The Museum of Contemporary Art

2. The Museum of Temporary Art

3. The Museum of Temporary Workers

4. The Museum of Temporary Insanity

5. The Museum of Pimp-o-rary Badassery

PIRATE BEHAVIORS THAT HAVE NOT BEEN PICKED UP ON BY TRENDY PEOPLE

1. forcible sodomy

2. contracting scurvy

3. burying one’s life savings on a sand shoal off the Spanish Main

4. “timbers”, generally

5. being hanged by the British Navy

FROM BAD TO WORST #5

1. Dan Brown’s The DaVinci Code

2. Dan Brown’s The Kandinsky Cypher

3. Dan Brown’s The Rockwell Enigma

4. Dan Brown’s The Kinkade Dilemma

5. Dan Brown’s The Dan Brown Quarterly Earnings Statement

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