Meet the Defenders

MEET THE DEFENDERS:  Season 1, Week 1

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#1: FAMILY TIES

Panel 1: The Beast, Wasp, and Nighthawk are having coffee in the kitchen. Iceman enters through the rear door, taking off a heavy coat and scarf.

NIGHTHAWK: Hey, Bobby! Is it cold out?

Panel 2: Iceman pulls a stocking cap off his head.

ICEMAN: How would I know? My mom makes me wear this when we go out. She says ‘even a snow mutant can get the sniffles’.

WASP: So you got your folks to the airport okay?

Panel 3: Iceman is making himself a cup of hot tea.

ICEMAN: Yeah, they’re on their way back home. Mom thinks I should consider getting a real estate license, my kid brother wants to tell TMZ that I wet the bed, and my dad wants to know why I can’t ever make it hail when the Packers are losing, but otherwise they’re doing fine.

Panel 4: Iceman sits at the table with the rest of the group.

NIGHTHAWK: Yeah, family visits can be kind of a hassle.

BEAST: Last time I was home with my folks, all my dad did was shake his head at me and ask my mom “You see what I have to put up with?”

NIGHTHAWK: I thought your mom passed away.

BEAST: She did. He talks to her urn.

Panel 5: Everyone sips their drinks.

WASP: Still, could be worse.

ICEMAN: Yeah? How’s that?

Panel 6: Hellcat is sitting at her own kitchen table at her own home with a half-empty bottle of flavored vodka and a shot glass. Behind her, dripping wet and soapy, is a huge, cloven-hoofed, goatlike Satan. His speech balloon is large and in Gothic ‘metal’ lettering.

SATAN: PATSY I’M BORROWING SOME OF YOUR SHAMPOO IF THAT’S ALL RIGHT

#2: THE DEVIL YOU KNOW

Panel 1: Devil-Slayer and a fairly attractive young woman are sitting at a table in a fancy restaurant, both looking extremely awkward. He is wearing a somewhat dated, wrinkly suit, obviously thrown on over his superhero outfit, and he still has his mask on. Neither speaks.

Panel 2: The girl, looking slightly annoyed, tries to flag down a waiter.

JEANETTE: Waiter! God, the service in this place…

DEVIL-SLAYER: So, er, how do you know Garg…how do you know Isaac?

Panel 3: They talk as a waiter heads over to their table.

JEANETTE: I’m a volunteer at the senior center. I, like, call the bingo numbers and stuff like that.

DEVIL-SLAYER: I see. I rarely get the chance to do things like that because of my work. Slaying devils. Do…do you get a lot of devil attacks at the senior center? Because I could slay them for you.

Panel 4: The waiter arrives with a fresh bottle of wine.

WAITER: More wine, madame?

JEANETTE: Yes, please. God.

DEVIL-SLAYER: Anyway, it was nice of him to set us up on this. Uh, this date. I don’t date much.

Panel 5: Jeanette slams down her wine.

JEANETTE: You don’t say.

DEVIL-SLAYER: Oh, yes. Honestly, most of the people I meet are devils. Or demons. And we don’t really get a chance to see each other socially because I…

Panel 6: Jeanette rolls her eyes and drums the tabletop with her fingernails.

JEANETTE: …slay them?

DEVIL-SLAYER: Exactly! Yes! Wow, I really…I mean, I know this is only our first date but I feel like you really understand me.

Panel 7: Eric picks nervously at his cape.

DEVIL-SLAYER: So how did you like the movie? I thought it was okay, but there wasn’t really very much devil-slaying, and…

JEANNETTE: Oh, man, come on! Can’t we talk about something else other than that? Seriously, I can’t listen to you talk about devil-slaying any more. For real.

Panel 8: Awkward silence. Jeanette glares and Devil-Slayer looks nervously at the ceiling.

Panel 9: Devil-Slayer speaks, barely looking at his date.

DEVIL-SLAYER: Um…uh…oh! Tell me about the last time you slew a devil!

JEANETTE: WAITER!

#3: ONE FOR THE BOOKS

Panel 1: Wong and Andromeda are pushing a shopping cart through a grocery store.

ANDROMEDA: …and he says, oh, Clea enjoys shining my shoes! She finds it therapeutic. Can you believe that?

WONG: Yes, master says same thing about Wong doing his laundry. He tell Spider-Man I get deep spiritual fulfillment out of pressing his cape. I not get any such thing.

Panel 2: Wong is looking at several brands of tea.

WONG: If you not mind my saying so, Miss Andromeda, you not look so refreshed. Perhaps no sleep is key.

ANDROMEDA: Yeah, Tanya kept me up all night again. She does that “Russian snoring”.

Panel 3: Wong tosses a cheap store brand in the cart and they move on.

WONG: “Russian snoring”?

ANDROMEDA: Yeah, it’s where she snores really loud, and also I hate her. How come you buy that generic store brand tea? I thought Dr. Strange only liked the really expensive imported kind.

Panel 4: Andromeda pushes the cart, looking exhausted. Wong selects some fancy cat food.

WONG: I buy this kind, put in old lunch sack with Chinese letters say ‘PROPERTY OF WONG DO NOT EAT’, tell master is authentic junshan yinzhan. I pocket extra money, he not tell the difference. Forgive my intrusion, but if Miss Red Guardian is such bad roommate, why still you live together?

ANDROMEDA: Well, you know how New York real estate is. I got locked into this lease that’s absolutely brutal, but if I break it, good luck finding anything else this side of South Jersey. I’d just go back to living underwater if I could get my DVD player to work down there.

Panel 5: Wong and Andromeda head for the checkout line; bystanders give them the eyeball.

WONG: Where is Miss Red Guardian? Usually she very much enjoys coming on shopping trips with us.

ANDROMEDA: She went to one of those warehouse stores to stock up on something. She wants to get in the Guinness Book of World Records for most whatevers in an hours, you know, like a competitive eating thing? I can’t even understand what she’s saying half the time. I just hope it’s something that doesn’t stink up the apartment too much.

Panel 6: Meanwhile, at a warehouse store in the Bronx, Red Guardian is standing in front of the service desk.

RED GUARDIAN: Yes thank you shoppie, seven hundreds and fifty cartons of your cheapest menthol cigarettes if you to please!

#4: NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH

Panel 1: Dr. Strange is talking to someone on the phone. Behind him, Ghost Rider is raising a ruckus.

DR. STRANGE: Yes. Yes, I know. No, it’s terrible. I do apologize.

GHOST RIDER: IF YOU LIKE A GAMBLE I TELL YOU I’M A MAN, WIN OR LOSER ISSALLA GAMEaaaaaaaaeoooow, my foot fell off

Panel 2: Same as above.

DR. STRANGE: No, of course. Of course not. I understand. Absolutely. I don’t even know who – excuse me – can you PLEASE keep it down, I’m on the telephone, THANK YOU. Sorry. I don’t even know who keeps giving him whiskey.

GHOST RIDER: No lissen, YOU lissen, one time I had a phone! A HOT LINE TO TELL, HAW HAW HAW, no wait, was that me? That was five years ago, LEATHER PANTS MAN

Panel 3: Same again.

DR. STRANGE: No, of course, certainly not. I’m very sorry. I’ll have a word with him. It won’t happen again, I promise you.

GHOST RIDER: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME PUT OUT MY HEAD, my daddy was a pistol and I’m a son of a…a pistol UuuuuuURP

Panel 4: On the moon. In the foreground, Machine Man is looking at events on Earth. Behind him, back to us, the Watcher is hanging up the phone.

UATU: What’s he doing now?

X-51: The Hulk just came over with a bag of frogs.

UATU: Ugh. Well, I’m not watching that.

#5: MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE STARS.

Panel 1: Angel and Candy Southern are watching TV and eating fast food. The Silver Surfer enters from the doorway to the den.

CANDY: Hey, Norrin.

SILVER SURFER: Friend Warren! Friend Candy! What occupies you on this dreary afternoon?

Panel 2: Candy is sipping contentedly at a milkshake as the Surfer sits next to them on the couch.

ANGEL: Just watching the Jets game, hanging out.

CANDY: You want to watch it with us?

SILVER SURFER: Alas, my good companions, I fear that watching your Earth football only makes my heart ache for kicking-skin, a nearly identical but far superior amusement that I used to play as a lad back on my beloved Zenn-La, now lost forever to cruel fate and the machinations of great Galactus. Might I ask, though, what is this beverage that brings you such joy?

Panel 3: Candy hands the cup to the Surfer.

CANDY: It’s a milkshake. Here, try some.

Panel 4: The Surfer takes a contented sip.

Panel 5: He hands the cup back to Candy.

SILVER SURFER: Ah, delicious! Much thanks! Too often it seems that I deny myself the simple pleasures of the world to which I am agonizingly confined.

Panel 6: He gazes off into the distance, affecting a poetic stance.

SILVER SURFER: Of course, it cannot compare to the ‘kalagron’ treats of my long-vanished native planet of Zenn-La. Sweeter than the most delicate cloud, thick and creamy like an ocean of honeyed delight, the kalagron was a unique blend of pure milk and frozen, whipped, sugared cream. Totally inimitable here on Earth, with your primitive technologies.

Panel 7: Angel looks annoyed. Candy takes another sip and tries to explain.

CANDY: But that’s what this is, Norrin. Milk, ice cream, blended together.

SILVER SURFER: …What?

Panel 8: Same as above.

CANDY: It’s the same thing as your kalagron. Milk, ice cream, whipped together in a drink. Same thing.

Panel 9: Silver Surfer stares in incomprehension. Warren grabs for the remote.

SILVER SURFER: But mine were from space.

ANGEL: OKAY, game’s back on.

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