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This Year’s Model

This Year’s Model

28

Feb

2013

Features, Humor, Other, Personal, Uncategorized

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ANIMALS (FANCY)ChargerImpalaMustangViperANIMALS (GROSS)BeetleANIMALS (MYTHOLOGICAL)EquusTaurusCHARACTER TRAITSCivicClarityFitInsightiQSmartSoulSpeedFOREIGNYAlpinaAventadorCabrioletCadenzaCamaroFiestaFioranoForteGalibierGallardoItaliaKizashi ...
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Between Impression and Expression: Ang Lee

Between Impression and Expression: Ang Lee

27

Feb

2013

Features, Film, Other, Personal, Uncategorized

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In 1978, as I applied for film studies at the University of Illinois, my father expressed his disapproval. He quoted me a statistic: "Every year, 50,000 performers compete for 200 available roles on Broadway." Still, I went against his advice and boarded a flight to the U.S. Since then, my father and I have had a strained r ...
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You Make the Call

You Make the Call

26

Feb

2013

Features, Humor, Other, Personal

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Hello?Stan! What on earth?Uh...you pick.Stan, I don't want to play guessing games. Do you know what time it is?In jail? What are you doing in jail?Well, obviously. I didn't think you just stopped there to use the phone. What did you do to get arrested?No, I don't still want to know what time it is. Tell me what you did.Oh, ...
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Big in Japan

Big in Japan

25

Feb

2013

Features, Film, Humor, Other

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Greetings, new recruit of the Japanese Defense Force's Giant Radioactive Monster Battalion!No doubt that you, as a citizen of our great nation, have been raised with many colorful tales of the heroic struggles your predecessors in the G.R.M.B. fought in the 1950s and 1960s.  Perhaps this even influenced your decision to jo ...
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A Superstitious and Cowardly Lot

A Superstitious and Cowardly Lot

23

Feb

2013

Comics, Features, Humor, Other

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You're at home playing with your train set when your dad bursts in with a big smile on his face.  "Say, sport!", he says, lifting you up in his firm, rugged arms, "How'd you like to take in a movie with me and your mom tonight?  The Mark of Zorro is playing down at the Gotham Rialto.  What do you say?"  You turn it ov ...
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What You See is Not a Test

What You See is Not a Test

22

Feb

2013

Features, Humor, Other, Uncategorized

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PART A -- Sentence CompletionComplete the sentences below by selecting the choice which best fills in the blanks.  Do not guess; guessing may lead to the conjuration of ancient and malevolent demonic creatures.1.  Mrs. Johanssen is an excellent ________ because of the _______ she gives to her students.(a) ...
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American Idol, Season 12 – Episode 12: Second Las Vegas Elimination Round

American Idol, Season 12 – Episode 12: Second Las Vegas Elimination Round

21

Feb

2013

Features, Humor, Music, Other, Television

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Two more hours of Idol tonight! I might literally die, and then I'd never know what eventual winner I will fail to buy any records from. Tonight is exactly the same set-up as last night, only with the boys, so let's get right to it. Keith Urban is wearing a cheap brown leather coat (and here "cheap" means "crummy but still ...
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American Idol – Season 12, Episode 11: First Las Vegas Elimination Round

American Idol – Season 12, Episode 11: First Las Vegas Elimination Round

20

Feb

2013

Features, Music, Other, Television

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At this point in my life, I have been watching American Idol for 12 years -- a longer time than I have done practically anything else, including date a woman, hold a job, or refrain from taking narcotics. My primary concern is just trying to remember everyone's name, which is why I am so happy when we get to the elimination ...
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Going to the Dogs

Going to the Dogs

19

Feb

2013

Features, Humor, Other, Uncategorized

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Hello, fellow citizens of Earth! I'm Smarty R-T, and I'm your holographic helper for those of you who have decided to spend your vacation here at my home away from home, the beautiful planet of Canus Lepta VII. On behalf of the Tourist Bureau, welcome, one and all!Now, if you've come this far, that means that you're open-mi ...
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According to Hell

According to Hell

16

Feb

2013

Essays, Features, Humor, Other

1 comment

Klansman. This game is no different from Amarillo, except that the center cards are laid out in the shape of a cross. The card in the center of the cross is then set on fire. Once the entire structure is burning, the players take turns stabbling, punching or kicking a member of the group who is an ethnic mi ...
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One to Lie and One to Listen

One to Lie and One to Listen

15

Feb

2013

Essays, Features, Humor, Other, Personal

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Oh, lies. Lies are what make us human, what keep us from being bored to death; lies are the very foundation of our civilization. (Sure, when Pablo Picasso says stuff like this, you say he's profound; when I say it, you roll your eyes at me.) Lies form the basis of our faiths ("There is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is his ...
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American Idol – Season 12, Episode 10: Final Hollywood Round

American Idol – Season 12, Episode 10: Final Hollywood Round

14

Feb

2013

Features, Humor, Music, Television

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A dreamily short entry tonight, and thank God for it, since I feel like I've been recapping this show for twenty years now. I'm not sure what tonight is supposed to accomplish, but then I am reminded that (a) this is the final night of Hollywood Week, where Idol treats everyone like discarded Kleenex, and (b) it has indeed ...
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American Idol – Season 12, Episode 9: Hollywood, Women’s Round

American Idol – Season 12, Episode 9: Hollywood, Women’s Round

13

Feb

2013

Features, Humor, Music, Other, Television

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It's LADY WEEK in Hollywood! That means lots of crying, although let's be honest, the guys were a pretty weepy lot this time around, too. After a boring recap of last week's nonsense (lines of ten in single performance, followed by extra-brutal group round), we experience a strong push for the ladies; Idol seems determined ...
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For the Home Team

For the Home Team

12

Feb

2013

Features, Humor, Other, Sports

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Pitchers and catchers have reported to spring training, and that can only mean one thing:  six months of manic-depressive obsessing over baseball!  But not everyone is like me, hardened like a Turk's brass knuckle by years of following the sport.  How does a newcomer know what team to root for?  Luckily for you, I've co ...
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Between Impression and Expression: Myles na gCopaleen

Between Impression and Expression: Myles na gCopaleen

11

Feb

2013

Books, Features, Humor, Other, Uncategorized

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(from the Irish Times' 'Cruiskeen Lawn' column)You must keep this strictly under your hat but I received an invitation to be in attendance at 86 St Stephen's Green last Thursday evening to hear a 'paper' on...guess?...'The Function and Scope of Criticism'.  It interests me as a scientist that there is to be found today in ...
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