What You See is Not a Test

PART A — Sentence Completion

Complete the sentences below by selecting the choice which best fills in the blanks.  Do not guess; guessing may lead to the conjuration of ancient and malevolent demonic creatures.

1.  Mrs. Johanssen is an excellent ________ because of the _______ she gives to her students.

(a) tennis player…thumbtacks
(b) pusher…crack vials
(c) heart surgeon…heart surgery
(d) lay…blowjobs
(e) well…touch, I do confess it

2.  If we don’t find the map quickly, it will be ________ to ________.

(a) coals…Newcastle
(b) unnecessary…procreate
(c) six miles…Naperville
(d) pizza…go
(e) impossible…refrain from murdering you

3.  ________ have plagued our society for many years, but a solution may yet be found if we are willing to ________.

(a) Spit ends…find the proper pH balance
(b) Burritos…eat them
(c) Jews…read Mein Kampf
(d) Testicles…have sex change operations
(e) Things…do whatever

4.  Jeanette was widely regarded as ________ thanks to her tendency to ________.

(a) fat…weigh 473 pounds
(b) female…conceive
(c) a cigarette…smoke
(d) Canadian…clean up after herself
(e) popular…take her shirt off

5.  On his way home from ________, Dr. Renfrew suddenly remembered his ________.

(a) her funeral…mama
(b) the hospital…incompetence
(c) Hell…subwoofer
(d) an alley behind a convenience store…penis
(e) suicide…purpose in life

6.  After repeatedly testing his hypothesis, the scientist concluded that ________ was ________.

(a) America…waiting
(b) he…late
(c) astrology…scary
(d) a stroke…imminent
(e) holding infants underwater for six minutes…fatal

7.  Many people rely on the President to provide ________ in times of ________.

(a) tax cuts…great poverty
(b) comforting words…slight inconvenience
(c) distraction…suspicion
(d) amusement…despair
(e) war…peace

8.  When Mr. Caulfield removed his ________, the first thing I noticed was his ________.

(a) pistol…valid point
(b) tumor…dexterity
(c) condom…departure
(d) hard drive…failure to create a back-up disc
(e) pants…arrest

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