Hey, there, neighbors! I’m H.I. “Red” Hand, owner and head man in charge of Frederick’s of Rhetoric, and I’m here to tell you: April is the cruellest month, mixing memory and desire — but February is the shortest! And that means that I’ve only got four days left you offer you big, big savings on all your rhetorical needs, whether you’re a professional word-burglar or strictly a hobbyist in the field of romantic semantics. Yes, we’re mixing inventory and discounts here at Frederick’s of Rhetoric, so come on down, scribblers, Scrabblers, dabblers, rhetoricians, semoticians and producers of fine fiction! Nearly half our inventory of 100% English-crafted figures of speech is on sale!!!
That’s right, partners: you’ll pays your money, but you won’t takes your chances with our hand-made collection of enallages! Git these metaplasmic figgers, only six fer a dollar! And do we have the finest collection of tmeses in the tri-state area? Abso fucking lutely we do! If you’ve come looking for asyndetons, you’ll see ’em, you’ll buy ’em, you’ll love ’em! Our syncopes are ex’lent, our aphareses are ‘mendous, and our apocopes are terrif; our antisthecons are outstending and our metatheses canont be beat. And if there’s any way I can sweeten the deal to send you home today with a brand-new synaloepha, I’ll do’t!
But there’s more! You won’t want to leave without these…ellipses, a real bargain at $1.25 with…no strings attached. Do we sell polyptotons? Such we sell, and by such selling, you’ll be sold. Our hendiadys section is thick with bargains and amazement. Our stock of scesis onamatons: burly, bold, brilliant and eminently tailored to your budget. We have had anaphoras, we have anaphoras, and we will continue to have anaphoras. Our anastrophes are widely known as “the figure affordable”. Our prostheses are enleagued with an impressive collectation of epentheses and a dazzling inventorium of proparalepses. Do you want epistrophes? Do you need epistrophes? Do you crave epistrophes? Then, by God, you’ll have epistrophes — and at low, low prices!
Do not worry, do not fret, be stressed, or suffer anxiety: our stock of congeries is second to none! And if you’re in the market for antanaclases, give us your business, and we won’t give you the business! For who has the most symploces? We do. Who has the best symploces? We do. Who has the cheapest symploces? We do. Neither the Rhetorical Oracle, nor McFigure’s, nor Hypozeuxis Hut, nor Phraseturners can offer you savings on paradiastoles like we can. Only a few can beat our prices in epanorthoses –no, not a few, but none at all! And I can’t even tell you about how great our selection of aporias is!
And, friends, we don’t just give you the basics here at Frederick’s of Rhetoric. If all you wanted was a plain-Jane personification and a syllepsis or two, well, hell, you could just pick them up at the 7-11, couldn’t you? We cater to a full range of rhetorical needs. We feature parentheses (the likes of which you’ll not find anywhere outside of exclusive designer boutiques) at thrift-store prices. Savings, savings, what staggering savings will you find on diacopes! Cheer our price-cutting on this year’s epanalepses, cheer! You’ll sound a loud rejoice when you get a load of our selection of antimeria, and look you and behold with the vision of thine own eyes the widest range of pleonasms available anywhere and in any location! So much, indeed, you’ll save on all hyperbatons as these. How the customer shall praise my zeugmas, I, H.I. “Red” Hand! And don’t forget our Foghorn Specials: if you’ve come looking for metonymy, when the horn has sounded, your wallet shall be filled.
So if you’re looking for discounts of depth on some antiptsoses for a weekend project, or you want to beat the burning chill of winter’s heat with an icy-hot catachresis, or if you want some polysyndetons that are cheap and plentiful and enticing and of good quality and in a variety of styles, just remember: here, at Frederick’s of Rhetoric — this is where asterismosis comes alive!