Dignity of Toil
SALES INCREASE UNDERPERFORMS
The Household Sundries division reported an all-time high 52% increase in sales this quarter, with strong showings in the cookware and cleaning supplies sectors leading a late-period surge that contributed to the record-setting total. Management notes, however, that its goal for the quarter was a 75% sales increase, and will therefore be instituting severe job cuts in Household Sundries. A spokesrepresentative for the employees responsible for this shortfall pointed out that previously, the highest one-quarter increase in divisional history was 12%, and that the 75% figure was “unrealistically high”; management can only point out that, according to the inspirational poster in the break room, employees are expected to ‘Make An Effort, Not An Excuse’. Those employees in Household Sundries who retain their positions will be given additional inspirational posters to place about the production facility.
FEWER WORKPLACE INJURIES REPORTED
For the first time since August of 2000, workplace safety goals have been met and fewer injuries have been reported than at any time since the OSHA investigation of the industrial melter in 1997. (Please note: the confidentiality waviers signed by all employees regarding said investigation are still binding.) Management is pleased to note the substantial drop-off in workplace injuries, and credits their new policy of discouraging employees from reporting accidents. “It’s simple,” says metal shop foreman Al Greenbriar. “The fewer injuries get reported, the fewer injuries it appears are taking place. Our new policy of bribing, threatening and generally discouraging employees out of reporting their frequent and numerous injuries makes us all look good.” Employees with minor injuries are encouraged to keep quiet about it, and employees with major injuries which impede their ability to perform their job functions are welcome to stay home without pay until such time as they feel they are healthy enough to resume their duties.
LEGAL ISSUES SETTLED
Management has finally settled a longstanding dispute amongst those who objected to the wording of an article in the January 2009 newsletter, which detailed the company’s plan to “put the fear of God” into its employees through a series of random firings. Those who objected to the initial plan have been fired, but those who objected only to the language of the plan are hereby directed towards a revised edition of the article, which appears elsewhere in this issue. Muslims are now informed that the fear of Allah will be put into them, Hindus the fear of Shiva, and so on. Nondenominational employees, as well as atheists and agnostics, will be fired.
OFFICIAL POLICY ON DISCRIMINATION
Discrimination on the basis of race, sex, age, gender, and religious practice is a violation of state and federal laws to which the management is committed to comply. In addition, it is the stated policy of this company to discourage the presence of racism, sexism, age discrimination, homophobia and religious intolerance in the workplace at all times. In order to help us fulfill these legal and ethical obligations, we ask each and every employee to not report any bigotry, discrimination or harassment that takes place during your working day. We cannot appear to be in compliance with these regulations without your help in covering up their constant lack of observance. Furthermore, in 2014, our attempts to avoid workplace discrimination will be further eased by hiring only young white heterosexual Christian males.
WORKPLACE VIOLENCE SEMINAR SCHEDULED
On Friday, September 6th, a mandatory seminar on the topic of workplace violence has been scheduled in the break room. It will last one hour and will replace your regular lunch break. Topics to be covered include scheduling the correct time and the place for workplace violence; learning to direct your anger at co-workers or family members and not at management; restricting the use of violence to living creatures while taking care to not damage important machinery and computer equipment; and following the company’s already-scheduled redundancy plans.
NEW HOLIDAY SCHEDULE
Many employees have asked if rumors concerning the relocation of many of our production facilities to Bangladesh are true. In an effort to stave off loose talk, we are officially announcing here that it is not true. In fact, production facilities are being moved to Afghanistan. However, this will not result in massive layoffs, as some now-fired rumor-mongers have claimed. Every employee who is willing to relocate to Afghanistan at appropriately reduced pay will have a chance to keep his or her job, depending on their ability to maintain efficiency during the new 18-hour work day or join the new land mine removal division. Futhermore, there will be ample opportunities for advancement for any and all employees who speak Dari, Pashto, Uzbek and/or Turkmen. Finally, in deference to local customs, we will be eliminating all American holidays and replacing them with Muslim holidays as soon as we are legally required to do so. In the meantime, there will be a suspension of paid holidays.
NEWSLETTER A GREAT SUCCESS
The brand-new company newsletter is a great success, as evidenced by the fact you are reading it right now. Many factors contributed to the success of the project, including its glossy format, full-color photos, mandatory reading requirement, and Friday afternoon quizzes on newsletter content that are a prerequisite to collecting one’s paycheck. Management reminds you that the newsletter must be read, and must be read on your own time. Many people have helped out in the creation of the newsletter, but there is simply not room to list them all. As a result, none will be listed.