Millstones

BORN. To Janet Corbett, 31, a convenience store clerk in Puyallup, WA, and Satanachia, 6008, Grand General of the Infernal Spirits, a man-child who shall be named “Enoch”. The father came to the mother on the moon of the sixth day of the sixth month at the sixth hour in the form of a black cat. Baby and mother are reported doing well, and father is planning to arrange for the child to have a career in nuclear physics or pornography.

DIED. Arturo Sandoval, 61, of Guadalajara, Mexico, eaten by a nameless gibbering thing that appeared after he unsuccessfully attempted to summon Berich, 6008, a wingéd demon of gluttony. The imperfectly cast spell resulted in Sandoval’s gory consumption by the horrid thing which arose from some long-forgotten sludge pit in a fetid and dank cranny of Hell so remote that Satan Himself knows it not, but Berich claims that Sandoval would have died soon anyway, as his cholesterol levels were dangerously high. Berich released a statment urging all those who would call forth and bind the great devils of the eternal realms of torment to follow directions exactly, as well as to consume less red meat and alcohol and lead a more active lifestyle.

ENGAGED. Terry Jackson, 24, third baseman for the Detroit Tigers professional baseball franchise, to Jeh, 6008, demon-whore of lust and debauchery, chief of the mating demons, and seducer and polluter of perfection. The two met when Jeh was employed as a hostess in the Champagne Room at Squeezums, a Detroit-area gentleman’s club. Jackson plans to purchase a home for his new fiancee in the suburb of Farmington Hills, while Jeh plans to slowly suckle at the soul of her new fiance until his batting average sinks below the Mendoza Line. To that end, she has left her full-time position at Squeezums and is now working only part-time at Twooos, near the airport.

ENGAGED. Vepar, 6008, the mermaid-demon, bringer of storms, bane of battle, conjuror of seaborne mirages, to consume with maggot-infested wounds the pitiable and tormented soul of media magnate Ted Turner, 80, soon after his death from a massive coronary six years from now.

MARRIED. Olivier, 6008, Fallen Archangel of the Fourth Power and Tormentor of the Poor, to Hine-Nui-Te-Po, 6008, Queen of the Underworld of the Bold Maori. The two began dating in the late 1980s when the bride mistook the groom for the shade of recently deceased actor Sir Laurence Olivier; the romance survived its rocky start when the groom fell in love with Hine-Nui-Te-Po’s gargantuan clitoris, with which she squashes the bodies of rogues and sinners into a bloody paste. The two plan to honeymoon in the First Round of the Seventh Circle of Hell, where they will hurl stinking viscera at the homicides and makers of war as they bob to the surface of the rivers of hot blood in which they forever thrash.

PROMOTED. Lt. General Adrian McElroy, 52, to the rank of Major General and Chief of North American Command for the United States Army, after sacrificing a dark-skinned virgin boy at blackest night to Furcas, 6008, the Old Man of the Horse and Spear, Demon Overlord and Teacher of War. The name of the virgin boy has not yet been released, but Furcas reports that his soul tasted of sweet date wine.

PLACED IN A BARREL OF MOLTEN PITCH WHICH WILL SEAR AND CHAR HIS EVER-REGENERATING SKIN, EMERGING ONLY ONCE EVERY HUNDRED YEARS IN ORDER THAT HE MIGHT BE TORN TO TATTERS BY THE KNIFE-SHARP BEAKS OF HUNGRY VULTURES AND THEN WASHED CLEAN BY POWERFUL BLASTS OF BRACKISH SALT WATER: John Hyland, 72, a recently deceased former automobile mechanic from Sioux Falls, SD.

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