April 1st: I am a worthwhile human being with much to offer.
April 2nd: I will not allow myself to be hindered by the judgments of others.
April 3rd: I am creative and intelligent.
April 4th: I am in control of my own life.
April 5th: I am having an effect on others in a positive way.
April 6th: I am responsible for all of my creations, and as of now I choose to be loving, joyful and positive in thought, word and action.
April 7th: I am going to conquer my sciatica.
April 8th: I am the creator of my own happiness.
April 9th: I am going to find that missing rubber mallet.
April 10th: I am capable of beating this solicitation charge.
April 11th: I am talented and I love to make use of my many gifts.
April 12th: I am going to get rid of this skin rash, no matter what any numerologist says.
April 13th: I am capable of learning from my mistakes, especially ones involving grave robbery.
April 14th: I am in charge of my possessions; my possessions are not in charge of me. Especially that stuck-up shovel.
April 15th: I am in the right place at the right time.
April 16th: I am going to be in the right place at the right time from now on, and I now understand that the alley behind a strip club at 3 A.M. with a Croatian document forger is probably never going to be the right place or the right time.
April 17th: I am not going to rob the liquor store, no matter how overpriced their tangerine schnapps is.
April 18th: I am moving forward with a joyful sense of adventure.
April 19th: I am forgiving of the shortcomings of others just as they are forgiving of my shortcomings, and I am going to attribute the girl at the dollar store’s attitude to a bad childhood instead of thinking it’s about me personally.
April 20th: I am the master of my soul, not the frozen burrito company.
April 21st: I am able to tell the difference between Dr. Pepper and Diet Dr. Pepper.
April 22nd: I know I am not the Emperor of Rats. Yet.
April 23rd: I am aware that all life is sacred, but my life is the most sacred of all, and when it comes right down to it, the janitor down at the middle school had probably seen his best years anyway.
April 24th: I am not addicted to pornography; pornography is addicted to me.
April 25th: I am capable of making my own decisions about diaper pails.
April 26th: I am constantly filled with the love of the Creator.
April 27th: I am strong enough to chew through electrical tape if I have to.
April 28th: I am not going to let some unenlightened meter maid tell me what is and isn’t sexual harassment.
April 29th: I am without judgement of others or myself. I unconditionally accept that all things are an expression of divine love.
April 30th: I am due in court on June 7th.