Unaccustomed as I AM to Public Speaking

Okay, folks, we need to have a little sit-down about some of the rules. God has been noticing a lot of disobedience lately, and He doesn’t want to have to kill a bunch of people again.

Hey, Gershon, tell me about it, okay? I lost three cousins in that slaughter. But nobody made you guys worship the golden calf, okay? It was either kill your families yourselves or have God bring a plague down on you.

Well, granted, Kreindel, He brought a plague down on you anyway. Can we hold the questions until the end? The sooner I say what I have to say, the sooner we can all get out of here.

All right, one more. Hank?

How come it’s me giving the speech instead of Moses? Well, you know my brother. He doesn’t like public speaking. He gets all mushmouthed. And the dry climate doesn’t help. Also, he just had a meeting with the Big Man, to get all these rules straightened out, and when he came down, his, uh, his face was glowing.

You heard me. Just what I said. He met with God and apparently, and I’m as sketchy on the details as you all are, God let Mo see His back, and it made Mo’s face glow.

I know how it sounds, Hank. Why don’t you take it up with God?

Fine. Okay then, let’s move on. Now, first of all, I want to make it clear that God isn’t blaming you for anything. He recognizes that there was a lot of ambiguity in the last memo, so he wanted to spell it out more clearly so there isn’t any confusion. After this, everyone will know where we stand, and we won’t have ignorance of the law as an excuse. He’s written them all up in these sort of talking-points things, so hopefully we can burn right through them.

Yes, Yigol? There’s…let’s see…looks like about six hundred.

Well, why did you think there’d only be ten?

The tablet is just the first ten. I know it’s going to take forever. But it’s going to take even longer if you all keep asking questions, okay? Can we get through this now?

Okay. Here’s one people have been asking about: no killing. There’s none of that.

I know.

I know, okay? Look, I’m just repeating what I was told: “thou shalt not kill”. It says it right here. It’s literally written in stone, Avshalom. Well, obviously He’s going to make exceptions for Himself. I think He’ll probably start with you if you don’t pipe down.

Moving on. This one will be of interest to you, Chanoch the Architect: God doesn’t want any of His temples to have steps. Because when people are climbing the steps you might see their, uh, their equipment.

Look, you people are arguing with the wrong guy, all right? Take it up with Him. You remember how receptive He usually is to criticism, don’t you? Okay. That settles that. Besides, fellas, nobody wants to see that shit anyway. Believe me, God’s not alone on this one. I’m sure He got lots of encouraging words from the ladies, am I right, ladies?

Here’s one that came up last week. If you beat your servants to death, you will be punished. But if you just beat them into a coma, you’re good. Okay? Let’s all remember that. Especially you servants.

For being a witch, death. For cursing out your parents, that’s death. You hear that, punks? Yeah, I’m talking to you, over by the smoking patio. That’ll be enough wise lip out of all of you, or it’s stoning time. Uh…for working on the Sabbath, that’s also death. Fucking an animal, that’s death. Are you listening, Hank? No, I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m just saying, maybe you should be listening very closely right about now. For dudes doing it with other dudes, you get death for that. Worshiping other gods, obviously that’s death. Goddamn, how long does this go on? Oh, one more: death for…whoops! Death for taking God’s name in vain. Let’s make that one active starting right after my previous sentence.

Baptisms are going to be with ox blood. I know a lot of you were hoping for water, but that’s the way it is. Look at it this way: afterwards, you can make soup.

There’s a bunch in here about priests. They have to wear special underwear…

For the last time, Efrat, I didn’t make this stuff up. He did. No, I’m not getting kickbacks. I know my wife is a seamstress. I know what my own wife does for a living, Efrat. It’s not that kind of special underwear. Can I finish up here, please?

No marrying sisters unless one of them is dead. Boy, that can’t be right. Let’s put this one on the ‘revisit’ pile.

Oh, okay. This one’s for you guys, the guys from Tent 13, you had a whole list of questions, and God’s got answers for you. Let me run through them. You’re not gonna like them, I’ll tell you that much. Okay: no tattoos…no cross-dressing…no midgets…no genital lice…no crushed testicles…nobody with their dicks cut off. All that stuff disqualifies you from the priesthood, and also from membership in the Chosen People. Sorry, fellas.

No, He didn’t say anything at all about not being able to run off and join the circus. Go crazy.


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