English as She is Illegally Spoke
With the dentist
DENTIST: Open your mouth, please. Which is the tooth that hurts?
LARRY: I’m not sure. I think all of my teeth hurt.
DENTIST: Your gums are infected. I am going to prescribe an antibiotic.
LARRY: How about some painkillers?
DENTIST: No, I do not think such will be necessary.
LARRY: Because it really hurts. I think I could use some Vicodin.
DENTIST: This one must be extracted. You also have a cavity.
LARRY: Back home, in America, cavities are often treated with Oxycontin.
DENTIST: I cannot fill the cavity today. You must come back another day.
LARRY: What about that Oxy?
DENTIST: I assure you that such will not be needed. Do you utilize dental floss?
LARRY: I’m not sure. You know what would help me remember? Xanax.
DENTIST: You should utilize dental floss daily.
LARRY: Are you going to give me local or general anesthesia?
DENTIST: I will give you an injection of novocaine.
LARRY: Maybe I could have some to take home.
DENTIST: Rinse out your mouth and spit in this trough.
LARRY: Or maybe some cannisters of nitrous.
DENTIST: If pain persists, take two aspirins and apply an ice pack.
LARRY: Got any ether?
Renting a car
LARRY: I want to rent a car.
EMPLOYEE: Do you wish to rent a large car or a compact model?
LARRY: Compact. I’m really just going to drive it to and from the hotel.
EMPLOYEE: We charge for mileage unless you rent by the week.
LARRY: Because it’s just me on this trip. I’m alone. In my hotel.
EMPLOYEE: I suggest then that you rent a standard car. Shift or automatic transmission?
LARRY: I mean, the room has, it’s got a big bed. But it’s just me in it. For now.
EMPLOYEE: A standard shift uses less gasoline. I also advise local insurance.
LARRY: So if you have any suggestions about how to spend my time here…
EMPLOYEE: We accept cash, traveler’s checks or major credit cards.
LARRY: I’m not really doing anything. I have no plans. For my room that I have.
EMPLOYEE: How about this blue sedan?
LARRY: I was told this was where I could get hookers. Was that wrong?
In the emergency room
DOCTOR: What happened, sir? How were you injured?
LARRY: It’s the strangest thing. I was walking along and I heard a shot.
DOCTOR: Did you lose consciousness?
LARRY: It just happened to hit me here in the back of the shoulder.
DOCTOR: I am going to wash and disinfect the wound.
LARRY: I don’t know if you’ve heard about it but there was a big bank robbery downtown.
DOCTOR: Have you ever been given a tetanus shot?
LARRY: Nothing to do with me, of course. I was hit by a stray bullet. Probably from an airplane.
DOCTOR: We will require an X-ray. The technician will take you to the X-ray room.
LARRY: What is the doctor-patient confidentiality law like in this country?
Problems with the automobile
LARRY: Fill the tank, please. And change the oil, too.
ATTENDANT: What brand of oil do you use?
LARRY: Pennzoil. Oh, and don’t look in the glove compartment.
ATTENTANT: I’m going to put water in the radiator.
LARRY: That’s fine. Stay out of the trunk, too.
ATTENDANT: Are you a member of the Auto Club?
LARRY: Don’t look under the seats. Or in the back.
ATTENDANT: You will soon need a new battery, sir.
LARRY: In fact, you should probably stay out of the interior altogether.
ATTENDANT: Your auto should be ready on Monday, depending on how quickly we can get parts.
LARRY: What is the customer-mechanic confidentiality law like in this country?