Courtball Weekly

Texcoco wingman Kevin Malixtepinqa announced his retirement last week after thirteen seasons with the squad. He led the league in goals for for six seasons, including two consecutively in 1502 and 1503. An anterior cruciate ligament injury hobbled him for the last two campaigns, and he made the announcement after another disappointing season. He looks forward to spending time with his wife Anita and three remaining children.

Roger Balcopan, coach of the Irapuato Golden Palominos, denies widespread allegations of fixing by the squad’s captain of last season. Since the final match at the Temple of the Sun Stadium (renamed the Hualpoza Stone Implements Dome during the off-season), rumors have swirled that Benny J. Quixahacto deliberately failed to score a crucial goal that would have put his team ahead and possibly sealed the championship. “I know Benny. He’s got a heart as big as any I’ve ever seen in this league,” said Balcopan at a press conference Monday. “And I know he’s not the kind of guy who would throw a match just to prevent his big heart from being eaten by the Stone Guardians of the Winged Serpent at the victory celebration. Guys work their whole careers to have a shot at being gutted and bled before the holy priests of the temple, and I can’t believe he’d piss that away just to live a couple of extra years.”

The new uniforms sported by the Toluca Sun Serpents continue to be a hot topic of conversation in the hot stove leagues all throughout the land which runs from the silver-lain mountains to where the sun bleeds into the seas. Fans are divided between the progressive faction, who argue that the uniforms offer less protection and more chances of serious injury, and the traditionalists, who claim that while it’s true the uniforms will more easily allow life-threatening wounds, the bright red color scheme will render them more difficult to see. While the argument shows no sign of abating, Toluca’s management has no intention of getting rid of the uniforms, as fan replicas (priced at a staggering six jade discs) are flying off the shelves. Rival team Coatzicoaicos, meanwhile, has scored a big hit with fans — particularly female ones — by featuring intermittent ‘Turn Back the Clock’ games in which the team plays naked.

Patzcuaro Pythons team doctors are at a loss to explain the squad’s recent hard luck with injuries. The Pythons, heavily favored to be made into victorious sacrifices to the feathered snake-god in preseason polls, have been hampered by a rash of injuries, not a single one of them fatal. “I can’t explain it,” confesses trainer Andrew McTualinchingo. “We’ve had knees shattered, arms torn out of their sockets, spines crushed and even severed, and even a couple of throats cut. Right now, I’ve got three guys in the training room with bruises on their kidneys the size of a jaguar’s head. And yet, not a single death. I don’t know what we’re doing wrong. I’ve sent all the batons and blades out for sharpening and re-roughening, but sometimes you just hit a patch of bad luck.” Management has apologized to the fans for the team’s first death-free season since 1484, but a number of season ticketholders are still demanding refunds if fatal injuries do not hit the double digits by the end of the year.

Fans in Tihuatlan and Tantoyuca are abuzz with news about the pale-skinned men with metal skin who came across the warm seas on cloudborne canoes. Local reporters have commented on the pale-skinned men’s love of golden plates, the roasted flesh of pigs, and women who have not yet had children. While it is unknown whether or not the visitors are adept at courtball, they have been spotted deploying a number of metal sticks and wheeled poles which might be used for sport. Tihuatlan mayor Vic Tlaxiaco intends to approach the pale-skinned men and challenge them to a rousing exhibition game, after which he hopes they go away and do not slaughter everyone or give them a horrible disease like those guys in Hecelchakan did last year.

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