Dear God, Hope You Got the Letter
GEN. 1:1. Dear Diary, Mr. Phillips wants us to create a whole planet by next Thursday. This is totally unfair. Like I have time to do all this. I’m not on the Scientific Decathlon team. Why should I have to create a planet? I just want to cheer. I shouldn’t even have to take biology. This is gay. Plus my lab partner is Lucifer and he totally hates me after I got him kicked off of Pep for refusing to be at the bottom of the human pyramid. Like it’s my fault that he has really broad shoulders. Well I guess I better get started on this. If I have to take bio again I’m totally going to vom.
GEN. 1:5. So last night when I went to bed I shut the lights off on the planet because I want Adam to get used to day and night cycles. Im like whatever, but Mr. Phillips says it’s important that he have a ‘diurinal calender’ or something. Anyway, when I got home from cheer today I started working on the project again, and I noticed, I completely forgot to make the sun and the stars! So how did I get nighttime? I must have been so wasted. Also, I forgot to make a girlfriend for Adam. And believe me, he’s going to need one, because, I mean, he is not a hottie. So sue me, Adam, I was in a hurry when I made you. Lots of people get by with only two arms, Mr. Ungrateful. I could have made a cat-man, you know.
GEN. 3:6. Okay, so, I don’t get people like Lucifer. I mean I’m not Miss Perfect Student or anything but that guy, it’s like he wants to fail or something. He totally ruined the project and now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Okay, so I put a tree down there that would tell them…well, I said fruit would tell them the difference between good and evil, but really it was just a nice-looking tree and I figured if I put a bunch of window dressing on the thing Mr. Phillips would give me a better grade. You know, for presentation. So I didn’t want them to mess it all up by eating the fruit. But Lucifer goes in there and tells them oh, eat it, it’s cool! It’s really good fruit. Like, not even caring that they’re ike decorative oranges and shit. (Lucifer said that it would spruce up the place if I put in some apple trees, and I’m like, forget it! The last thing this dump needs is more green. God doesn’t make little green apples, okay?) Anyway, of course they ate it and now it’s all just green, like a big pile of mold. I kicked them out of the little garden habitat. Mom said I was being cruel but the fact is I was super pissed, and besides, if I hadn’t stopped them next thing you know Lucifer would be feeding them the immortality sprouts. He’s already talked about it. I was all, “As if! The last thing I want is those assholes to live forever. When the semester ends I’m totally swatting them all with a shoe. You think I want to take care of them all summer? No way, José.” Lucifer is such a jerk. I don’t know why I couldn’t get a lab partner who’s interested in the grade, or at least who’s cute. Like that guy Krishna.
GEN. 4:5. Oh, great. The things are breeding now. Adam and Eve had a couple of kids. That’s awesome. I eve gave them a box full of tiny condoms (which it totally took me forever to make) and a bunch of abstinence pamphlets and I guess they didn’t even read them. I mean, okay, I didn’t teach them to read, but that was supposed to be Lucifer’s job. And fucking Adam was wearing the condoms on his fingers the last time I saw him, because he’s pretty much an idiot. Anyway, on the upside, one of the kids killed the other one, so I gave him a special reward and moved him to a different part of the planet. I guess I shouldn’t worry too much, since there’s no women besides his mother so there’s no way he can breed unless he’s completely gross.
GEN. 6:2. Oh, no way. Gross.
GEN 6:13. Well, we got a ‘C’ on the project. I’m kinda pissed that Lucifer got the same ‘C’ that I did when I’m the one who did all the work, but at least it’s over now and I don’t have to depend on his lazy ass anymore. Also, Krishna asked me to the Spring Fling Dance! We’re going to win the game against Multiverse North this weekend if I have to rub my throat raw cheering, or strike their quarterback with chilblains. Last night I went ahead and flushed the planet I made, because like I said, total pain in the ass and no way do I want to have to keep checking on it all summer. One of the little people heard me say I was going to flush it and I kinda got embarrassed, so I gave him some bullshit story about how the world had become too violent and I was going to punish everyone with a flood. I said he could save himself by gathering up his family and putting them on a boat. Yeah, good luck with that, dude, I’m sure that’ll save you from the toilet.
GEN. 8:4. Holy shit. My dad came in after I got home from school and he’s got this old shoe box. He’s all, “God, I think this is yours. I’ve been keeping it in the garage over the old water heater, but I thought you might want it.” And inside is the planet I made for biology class. And I’m all, “Dad, I flushed this. The project is over.” And he’s like “Well, I pulled it out of the toilet because it didn’t go down all the way and then I just forgot about it.” Yeah, you forgot! That was forty days and forty nights ago, Dad. Anyway, I told him to just put it in the dumpster, and he gives me this big lecture about responsibility and says he thinks it would be a good lesson to take care of my pets because I’m getting to be a young adult and adults have obligations. So now I have to look after all of these stupid things all summer, and a ton of them (there’s, like, five hundred now) are already building temples to me. I hate my parents.