The Book of (Dumb) Questions

1. Imagine you are having dinner with Abraham Lincoln. You have the ability to warn him in advance that he is going to die, but it might result in the North losing the Civil War if he lives. Do you think you could get him to admit he was gay?

27. You are a guest at a sumptuous holiday dinner served by a group of people whose business you are trying to acquire. They have something of a high-toned attitude. During the second course, you discover a cockroach in your food. Do you say anything? Well, what if they told you that jellied cockroaches were the hot new trend in cuisine haute? Do you say anything now, smart guy?

31. You are in a room with two doors leading out. One door leads to a room full of gold bullion, and the other leads to a man-eating lion who just lost his millions of dollars in gold bullion to a gang of psychologically unbalanced architects. Do you think that architecture would have been a good career for you?

111. You are trapped on a lifeboat with Martin Lawrence and twenty-one semi-professional Martin Lawrence impersonators. There is only enough food for twenty people, assuming that most of them do not holler “I’M SO CRAZY!” all the time. Did you even know there was such a thing as a Martin Lawrence impersonator? And how do you get to be only a semi-professional impersonator of someone?

129. When you die, do you care what is done with your body? What if it’s something sexual? You’d like that, wouldn’t you, you weirdo pervert? I bet you wouldn’t be so happy if they ripped you into tiny pieces and fed them to sinners like they did our Lord Jesus Christ. Or would you?

134. You have become lost on your way to Crete for a windsurfing holiday. You approach a fork in the road, one branch of this, you are somehow certain, leads to your hotel. Two men stand by the roadside: one always tells the truth, and one always lies. It should be pretty easy to spot the liar, because all you have to do is ask him if he’s a giant turtle or something, but consider this: do you think the one who always tells the truth has ever had a date in his life?

177. If you could be trapped on a desert island with anyone, historical or fictional, wouldn’t you have to be kind of an idiot not to pick Superman, seeing as how he could get both of you off the desert island without even breaking a sweat?

281. Which of your senses would you least like to lose? Are you counting ‘sense of humor’ as a sense? How about ‘sense of honor’? ‘Sense of balance’? How about Sense and Sensibility? Would you really want to live in a world without Jane Austen?

303. While you’re out strolling with your young infant son one day, you are approached by a pair of wealthy, perverse Arab oilmen. Each offers you one billion dollars in exchange for the boy. One of them intends to adopt your child as his own, raising it well and giving it the best education and care; the other plans to torture the child to death. But because of their beastly foreign jibber-jabber, you can’t tell which is which. Why would you even care?

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