Resume the Résumé
Conrad Z. Wright
The Elite Hotel for Transients
1258 W. Clark Street, Suite # 2nd Floor on Your Right with “WHORS” Carved Into the Door
Chicago, IL 60657
(773) 288 4904 when not in use by another resident
I have an e-mail address but I don’t know how to work it
CONRAD Z. WRIGHT: CURRICULUM VITAE
1992-1994: Montana State University (Bozeman campus)
Major: Cellular biology; minor: whatever other course let me sit in the back for free
1982-1991: Bozeman Community College (Bozeman, MT)
Concentration: Student union
1978-1982: Bozeman North High School (Bozeman, MT)
Concentration: hesher studies
July 2012-present: City of Chicago (Chicago, IL)
Public Aid Research Assistant
Duties: Receive monthly public aid checks. Assist social services researchers in gauging the effectiveness, efficiency and utility of various city, state, county programs and federal. Some peripheral support to local liquor sales and plasma donation service companies.
December 1998-July 2002: Self-Employed (Chicago, IL)
Charitable Giving Facilitator
Duties: Provide charitable organizations and individuals with the opportunity to take part in the giving process. Solicit taxable charity donations from museum patrons, restaurant-goers and people entering and departing the White Hen convenience store.
December 1996-December 1998: Guy Who Came And Picked Us Up In the H.E.B. Parking Lot Inc. (San Antonio, TX)
Day Labor Trade Specialist
Duties: Various construction-trades work, such as pouring cement over freshly dug pit filled with quicklime in a remote field and throwing large weighted sacks into the river, for guy who picked us up in the H.E.B. parking lot. Also, H.E.B. dumpster food removal.
June 1995-August 1997: Von Fursten Biomedical Research, Inc. (Bozeman, MT)
New Product Testing Associate
Duties: Aid in the development of new biomedical and pharmacological products. Act in the capacity of research assistant, reporting any symptoms, severe pains, drastic alterations in anatomy, or sudden anti-social thoughts or hallucinatory episodes in little blue book.
August 1994-June 1995: Metropolitan Life Insurance Corporation (Bozeman, MT)
Assisted policyholders in the filing of claims by robbing their homes and vandalizing their cars. Provide material evidence of crimes which occurred or didn’t to aid in the payment of said claims. Develop plans for sharing of proceeds from claim payment to self.
References, salary data and contact information for professional experience can be provided on request, as can criminal history, if, like, you’re really into that kind of thing.
RELATED EXPERIENCE AND SKILLS
I have done many things for money. In fact, you might say I would do anything for money, up to and including burning down buildings if I have some kind of real or imagined grudge against the people who work there. Like, for example, the personnel department. As my work history shows, I am not a proud man, but I am a hard worker, and will do pretty much whatever it takes, for example causing direct harm to myself or others, in order to get wine money. If that’s the kind of quality you’re looking for in a senior vice-president of public relations, Mr. Exxon, then send someone over to the transient hotel to wake me up, and I’ll be there as soon as Family Matters is over.