I Need a Reminder to Look at My Reminder

MON-EL’S BIGGEST COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE THOUSAND YEARS HE SPENT IN THE PHANTOM ZONE

1. No cable

2. General Zod wouldn’t stop telling that one story about how he first decided to become an astronaut

3. Friday Night Fish Surprise was just Mrs. Pal-El’s Fish Sticks with sprig of parsley

4. Nam-Ek smelled like rhino ass

5. Was in there for a thousand years, and Az-Rel hogged the Zone-o-Phone for at least 900 of them

MY FAVORITE NUMBERED LISTS

1. 5

2. 8

3. 10

4. 7

5. 3

ASS

1. can

2. butt

3. fanny

4. crapper

5. hiney

SATAN’S FAVORITE PIES

1. Soulberry

2. Seared Flesh Brown Betty

3. Adulterer Nut

4. Peach

5. Festering Heart of Unbeliever Créme

TAEBO’S INHERITORS

1. Yoga With Firearms

2. No-Holds-Barred Zoomba

3. Stairmaster Jujutsu

4. Tae Kwon Go!

5. High-Impact Cardio-funk Dim Mak

IT, THE LIVING COLOSSUS’ DATING TIPS

1. Don’t get all self-involved. Women aren’t impressed by your title. Just introduce yourself as “It”, not “It, the Living Colossus”. Only tell her you’re a living colossus if she specifically asks what you do for a living.

2. Don’t get all hung up on the past. If she asks about your past as an awesome Communist symbol of the majesty of the proletariat, just laugh it off as a crazy idea you got caught up in as an undergrad. Say you used to have a Che poster, too.

3. Everybody knows that you’re possessed by the consciousness of a megalomaniacal alien overlord from the planet Kigor. But you don’t have to say that you’re possessed by the consciousness of a megalomaniacal alien overlord from the planet Kigor. Tell them you’re “goal-oriented”.

4. If she asks about Tony Isabella, say you don’t know him.

5. Don’t say: “Run from me now, humans! I’ll crush you! I’ll crush you all!”. Do say: “You look beautiful. How do you feel about sushi?”

THE GREAT CONFLICTS IN RAP

1. Man vs. bitches

2. Man vs. hos

3. Man vs. suckas

4. Man vs. The Man

5. Man vs. mic

EXCUSES MADE BY NAPOLEON FOR LOSING BATTLE OF WATERLOO

1. Field Marshal General Gebhardt Leberecht Prince Blücher von Wahlstadt was stealing signals

2. I’m pretty sure I was supposed to have, like, a lot more troops, but they never even showed up, and you can’t blame me for that, man

3. Couldn’t stop laughing at General Grouchy’s name

4. Was totally baked

5. Got that ABBA song stuck in my head and it was really distracting

DEVIANT SEXUAL PRACTICES UNIQUE TO THE DC UNIVERSE

1. DeSaadomy

2. Cluemasterbation

3. Georgeperezbianism

4. Riddler in the Front, Joker in the Back

5. Chromosexuality

ACTIVITIES GENERALLY FREE FROM MOB INFLUENCE

1. Toothpick manufacturing

2. Singing of madrigals

3. Operation of deep-sea diving bells

4. Performance art

5. Theoretical physics

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