I Will Get By, I Will System Shock Survive


1900 hrs – arrived for duty – relieved Duty Officer Lothar the Civic

1907 hrs – dispatch: Royal Dungeons, Dwarf City of Kang – 12 kobolds – D.O. action: disposal – valuables left at scene: none

2042 hrs – dispatch: Slag Pits of Morthor – 3 firedrakes – D.O. action: 2 disposals, 1 transfer to Humane Society – valuables left at scene: none

2111 hrs – received call from city of Hillendale – caller said can you get rid of these three bandits – D.O. responded this is Dead Animal Pickup – caller said yeah so what – D.O. responded those aren’t animals, those are people – caller said so what am I supposed to do – D.O. referred caller to Health & Human Services – caller said I’d rather not get the authorities involved – D.O. gave number of reputable organ harvester

2124 hrs – dispatch: Fen of MacHeath – 6 plague slugs – D.O. action: 6 disposals (see Hazardous Duty Report forms, attached) – valuables left at scene: none

2250 hrs – received call from Floating Skyland of Haramoth – caller said I got a bunch of ghouls who are really riding my ass – D.O. responded this is Dead Animal Pickup – caller said yeah but technically these things aren’t alive which means they’re sort of like dead right so doesn’t that mean you can get rid of them – D.O. responded sorry dude doesn’t work that way – caller said look man I just made 4th level can you help a brother out – D.O. responded no can do – caller said do you know any good priests at least – D.O. put caller into voice mail

2420 hrs – dispatch: Graveyards of Krim – 2 cockatrice – D.O. action: it turned out this were a bunch of guys who wanted to mug me – it was all these goth kids who figured that since I was always cleaning up wandering monster bodies I would have a bunch of treasure, so they’d make a fake call and when I got out there they’d totally jump me – D.O. responded you gotta be kidding dude you people pick every corpse clean, what’s supposed to be left when I get there, you even pull out gold teeth – goth kids said never mind and also some rude words – valuables left at scene: none

2440 hrs – dispatch: Wild Lands of Koranthion – 1 adult red dragon – D.O. action: there is no way I am touching that thing without at least 2 other guys to help out, they weigh like a million tons – valuables left at scene: none

0116 hrs – dispatch: Graveyards of Krim – 3 goblins, also 1 2nd-level necromancer – D.O. action: 2 disposals – it was the same goth kids from before – they said aren’t you gonna do anything with our friend – D.O. responded not my job, pal, I just do animals – they said I should go eff myself then – I said you must be pretty much a bunch of pussies that you got your asses handed to you by three goblins (see attached Customer Complaint Form) – valuables left at scene: 1 CD of Nine Inch Nails’ The Downward Spiral (used)

0200 hrs – waited to be relieved by Kevin the Generally Affable

0242 hrs – Kevin the Generally Affable called – he says he’s not coming in anymore – D.O. responded why not? – Kevin says he has a girlfriend or something – D.O. responded whatever dude


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