Hoping You Won’t Be Too

Hi! I’m Blue!

You may remember me from the color of a sunny sky, or the clothes you wore when you were a baby if you were a boy, or from the color scheme of a sports team you may enjoy. Perhaps you’re familiar with the feeling of calm and well-being I have been found to instill, or my associations with the vast expanses of water which encircle the globe, or the powerful indigenous music of our country’s African-American population. Whatever the specific connotations I conjure in your mind, one thing is for certain: unless you’re color-blind, you and I have been together since the very beginning.

But maybe you’re still a bit confused. “Hey, Blue,” you say, “I thought you were a particular segment of the visible light spectrum, or an unquantifiable abstraction meant to describe that segment! What are you doing here on this website, addressing me like the old friend you are?” Well, old friend, I’ll tell you. The world is a big, wide place, stretching far and wide under the glorious skies which bear my imprint. And there’s a lot of different people in it. Some people like to paint beautiful works of art (as did Picasso during the “period” he had the good taste to name after me); some people like to wander the countryside in search of the delicious berries which, though technically purple, bear my name and ‘seal of approval’; others just like to snuggle up with a loved one in front of a roaring fire or under a blanket in everyone’s favorite color. Other people like to bind the souls of ancient demons and extract from them their eldritch energies in order to conjure mystical forces that will allow their deranged and misguided color-cult to embody a primal metaphysical force (an unquantifiable abstraction, you might say!) in human shape. I don’t judge those people: I merely recognize that they’re out there. You might not have come across them, but I sure have.

Anyway, the point is, here I am. I’m a real live mortal person now, and it’s been explained to me by some very savvy lawyers that not only will I die someday, but due to the fact that, in my previous life as a semantic construction intended to qualify a physical-sensory phenomenon, I was less than well-versed in 21st-century intellectual property laws, I don’t have any right to royalties based on the use of my name or the qualities I formerly embodied. And, to top it all off, apparently I have to get a job now, because those savvy lawyers don’t work cheap. (I guess that’s another way they’re savvy!) So, in an attempt to ensure that the last few precious decades of the flimsy mortality forced upon me by those crazy cultists are not spent behind the register of a Rax Roast Beef joint, I have gone rather deeply into debt to acquire the services of Kline & Goldfarb Marketing & Public Relations in order to appeal to you, the people of America.

If you, the public, have enjoyed the color blue — if you have swelled with pride at the sight of a heroic Navy officer in his dress uniform; if you have gazed raptly at the sparkling waters of the Hawaiian islands; if you have turned heads walking down the street wearing a pair of tight denim jeans; if you have eaten an affordable, hearty diner meal off a sturdy ‘special’ plate; if you have enjoyed being alerted to limited-time-only specials at a certain major discount retailer — then please consider calling the number below and making a donation. Now, I’m not a charity, and I’m not just asking for handouts. I am more than willing to sponsor your events, organizations, or products. If you need the perfect spokesman for your clothing line, automobile, rock band, or anti-depressant, look no further. But I think when you consider all I’ve done for America, you’ll admit that a small donation is not much to ask; after all, without me, even the flag would be missing a certain special something.

So please call today, and tell the operator: “I WORK BLUE”!

One Response so far.

  1. Jon Morris
    06/24/2013 at 2:43 PM

    Oh Leonard, don’t work blue.


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