PFC Miller, Spec/9 Taylor and Cpl. Laredo: This one was no big deal. I don’t even know why this is being brought up against me. It was the designated duty of Spec/9 Taylor to inspect the Apache for engine flaws and mechanical problems and the like, not the designated duty of me. It is my opinion that if you want to try me under the Uniform Code for accidentally dropping a wrench into the main rotor circuit, then okay, I am guilty, and I’m sorry I can’t be perfect like all the people on the tribunal. But I am pretty sure there is no rule against wrench-dropping, nor neither is there any such rule against not mentioning the wrench-dropping, especially as if you were going to mention it later and you didn’t even know the thing was going to take off so soon because that’s not your squadron anyway. If you ask me and I know nobody did because they’re all too busy listenening to Mrs. Laredo’s sob story like it’s my fault she had six kids, it should be Taylor who is on trial on the charge of not doing his job and if you think about it he’s kind of lucky he burned up in the fire because I would court-martial him if I was you guys, instead of me.
Pvts. Montague, Molesky & Duncan: Oh, this one I’m completely guilty of. Guilty of doing my job is what I mean. As a ground spotter it is my job to report the movement of other ground forces. That is what it says in my service manual. If you read the service manual, and not the book on witch hunts or whatever you guys are reading, you guys sir I mean, then you would know: yes! It is the job of PFC Dunn to report to the fighters if there are troops moving in the vicinity. And yes! It is the job of PFC Dunn to report to the fighters how many and in what direction they are moving. But no! It is not the job of PFC Dunn to report to the fighters if they are our boys or not. And no! It is not the job of PFC Dunn to ask how come the pilots didn’t ask me if they were our boys or not. I read part of their so-called testimony and they said they just ‘assumed’ that the troop movements I was reporting was of the Talibans. Well hey guess what flyboys? Guess what happens when you assume? Yes. You make an A-S-S out ouf U and PFC Dunn. Now, okay, I know it’s not your all’s jurisdiction to prosecute the Air Force pilots. But can we just admit that they are the ones who should be on trial in this situation? I am what is called a patty in this matter.
Lts. Untermeyer and Kahane, Capt. Feller & SSgt. Velasquez: All right, first off the bat, I do not know what the word ‘fragging’ means. I’m sorry but I didn’t go to college like some people and that is why I am just a regular grunt in this man’s army instead of some high and mighty military prosecutor. So if you’re just throwing this word around to impress people I’m sorry but you don’t impress me, on account of how I don’t know what it means. Second of all off the bat, since you already have Cpl. Rashid in custody for actually launching that rocket into the officer’s mess, which to me seems like the real crime here, I don’t know what the point is of charging me for abetting is. I admit that I gave him my rocket launcher and told him where the officer’s mess is — for which, okay, I am sorry that I was trained to help out my fellow soldier in need and also I am sorry that I can’t read minds or see the future, forgive me — but he was the bad guy in this situation. He was the one who did the crime and to drag me into it when I really had nothing to do with the actual killing, just seems like you’re being petty. I’m sorry but that really is my opinion.
Pvts. Helton, Gopaswandi & Tariq and Lt. Elster: Before I address this specifically, I want to say that, all right, seventeen people starts to look kind of like you’re doing it on purpose. (By you here I mean me, because for some reason I am the one being charged with all of these so-called incidents.) But, listen, if you drop a plate, you are just as likely to drop another plate, and that’s statistics. Like flipping a coin. The one thing doesn’t have anything to do with the other thing and it’s just a series of unconnected things. I read this somewhere. It’s math. So, okay, yes, seventeen people in five different things, or incidents, or whatever you want to call them, yes that looks bad. But it is still just five unexplained coincidences, and once I explain them, then it’s just five coincidences and that’s not anything a guy needs to go to jail over. And saying how one guy accounts for over 25% of the fatalities in the entire Coalition military over whatever period of time does not make it any less coincidentical. All right. Now as to the facts: I hate to break this to you but I joined the US Army. Not the British Army. And I am sorry to say this because it is not very PC but those guys look a lot like Talibans. Whose fault is it that I was not told upon enlistment that there was such a thing as a Pakistani, and some of them were in the British Army (which I am not a member of), and they are not the enemy? All I know is that they were armed and in our zone of control. Maybe we should not have picked so-called allies who have totally different uniforms than us, did anyone think of that in the rush to make a scapegoat of PFC Dunn?
Pvt. Collins, Cpl. Reid and Sgt. Gunderson: Okay, you know how they said the Talibans were going to dress up like US soldiers? I totally thought this was one of those deals.