I Blame Letterman

ALTERNATE INSTITUTIONS SEN. JOSEPH McCARTHY HAD CONSIDERED CLAIMING WERE HEAVILY INFILTRATED BY COMMUNISTS BEFORE SETTLING ON THE ARMY, THE STATE DEPARTMENT AND HOLLYWOOD

1. The National Forest Service

2. Ventriloquists

3. The cement industry

4. The Idaho Department of Weights & Measures

5. Bozeman, MT

LITTLE-KNOWN ROMAN GODS

1. Capitata (goddess of cabbage)

2. Asthenia (goddess of obsessive-compulsive disorder)

3. Hector (god of recycling)

4. Oxaloaceticus (god of oxaloacetic acid)

5. Chloros (god of seasickness)

REVISED STATIONS OF THE CROSS, STARRING JERRY LEWIS

1. Jerry breaks up with Dino
2. Jerry parts ways with Paramount
3. Jerry tries his hand at directing
4. Jerry begins working with the Muscular Dystrophy Foundation
5. The French hail Jerry as a genius
6. Sammy tells Jerry he should write his own scripts
7. Jerry stars in Which Way to the Front?
8. Jerry gets a prime-time comedy show
9. Jerry attempts to make The Day the Clown Cried
10. Jerry’s big comeback
11. Jerry starts to take himself very seriously
12. Jerry dies on stage
13. The body of Jerry is cremated and the ashes scattered over the Catskills
14. Jerry Lewis: the E! True Hollywood Story

LITTLE-KNOWN GENOCIDES

1. Oompa-Loompas, 1960, by Ghanaian mercenaries acting under the direction of the Lollipop Guild

2. Smurfs, 1991-1993, by Walloon separatists

3. Schmoon, 1959-1971, by Dogpatchians (Dogpatch has long denied any involvement in genocide, claiming the Schmoo “enjoyed being eaten”)

4. Antarcticans, 1852, by North Poleans

5. Unnamed microscopic civilization of some five billion citizens living in lunar crater, 1969, by “Buzz” Aldrin’s right foot

PLACE NAMES TO AMUSE SIXTH-GRADERS

1. Lake Titicaca

2. Mount Pupidudu

3. Fort Shittycrapsnatch

4. The Goddamn-Motherfücken Forest

5. The Mrs. Hilliard is a Dried-Up Old Cranberry Fart River

UNSUCCESSFUL DOG BREEDS

1. Comptonian Malamute

2. East German Shepherd

3. Melancholy Dane

4. Rhodesian Racist

5. Wireless Terrier

LITTLE-KNOWN GHOSTWRITING ASSIGNMENTS OF LEGENDARY FIGURES

1. William Faulkner: wrote a Popeye short in 1938 entitled If I Should Forsake Thee, O Sea Haggie

2. Norman Rockwell: guest-pencilled several issues of Blood Carnival for EC Comics

3. Rush: were actually the Sex Pistols

4. Kurt Cobain: ghosted the introduction to the 1991 revised edition of Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking

5. Jesus: wrote early version of Ben-Hur as a vanity project

UNPOPULAR COCKTAILS

1. Fuzzy Toenail

2. Rob Zombie

3. Bloody Nipple

4. Non-Consensual Sex on the Beach

5. Screaming Neck Spasm

REJECTED IRON CHEF CHALLENGES

1. Circus Peanuts Battle

2. Paste Battle

3. Tumorous Frog Battle

4. Vodka Battle

5. Long Pig Battle

GANGSTERS THAT NEVER WERE

1. “Sour Mack” O’Gar

2. Fiorello “Dead-Birds” Fanucci

3. “Lanky” Hans Isenstahler

4. Mendy “Connie the Hunch” Globniz

5. “Big Jock” Flip

REPLY





%d bloggers like this: