It Takes a Kid to Kill a Kid

I first got into it when I was in third grade. There was this one older kid, Paulie Troward, who would always get the merry-go-round spinning really fast and then push me off of it. Once I landed on my back? And it knocked all the wind out of me? And I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t know what was happening. I thought I was gonna die and I crawled on my hands and knees to one of the teachers. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t even talk. She just smiled at me and didn’t help me at all, I guess because she knew what was happening and that I would be okay. But I didn’t. So you know it would have been nice if she said like a kind word or something. Anyway, I decided that he could have killed me so that maybe I should kill him first.

He was super easy. Alls I did was wait until it was really cold and there was ice all over the sidewalks, and I pushed him in front of a bus.

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I know in all those books in the big kids library they say you should make it look like an accident, but I say no way. Because for one thing it’s hard to make it look like an accident again and again and over and over. Also the important thing is that nobody will ever believe that it’s an accident if there’s like five of them in a row. It’s better to just kill people right out because for starters no one is ever going to believe that you did it. No one thinks that kids kill other kids even though it happens all the time. I mean since I did Paulie Troward I must have met a dozen other kids who did somebody, like in Sunday school and on field trips and stuff. The kids in the city even have a newsletter. But they always think it’s some sicko adult, so don’t even bother with all that accident junk. Just knife them or break their necks or whatever and they’ll find some way to pin it on an adult. Like the school janitor is good, or if some kid has a parent who spanks them. Oh another really good one is you look on the internet and see if there’s anyone in your neighborhood who was a sex offender. People will blame anything on those guys. You will never get caught so don’t even worry about it.

Except one thing is don’t use a gun. For some reason adults totally freak out about guns and maybe they will bust you on that one. Stick with knives and ropes and poison and stuff. Poison I especially like although don’t forget and put it in your own milk or something, duh.

***

After I did Paulie Troward I figured that was that, because I was just a little kid and you know how dumb third-graders are. So if you told me I’d be in sixth grade and still doing other kids I would be all ‘no way’ but it turns out ‘yes way’! See, the reason you think no you won’t do it anymore is because, like with Paulie Troward, he was the only kid I wanted to get rid of and once he was gone everything was pretty okay for me. But the thing I want to teach you is: there are like a million other kids who also want to get rid of someone! And this is where you can really get a lot of practice because they will give you stuff to do it for them. Because they are scared, especially girls and the younger kids, and so they don’t want to do it because it’s gross or whatever, so you can do it for them and get their lunch money, or they can do homework for you, or you can get their parents to take you to soccer practice or get their best Yu-Gi-Oh! cards or pretty much anything you want. Another thing is that don’t forget you can’t only just do other kids! Like a lot of times it’s even better to go for a grown-up. Because first, a lot of kids will want you to get rid of them especially if it’s their mom or dad who is mean, or it’s some teacher who is a total pill. Second of all adults are not going to think you’ll kill them which makes it easier. And mostly, number three, the cops will always think the dad did it if it’s the mom, or the mom did it if it’s the dad, see what I mean? So you’re not gonna get in trouble. If anyone does it would be that kid, which isn’t you.

Probably you shouldn’t do your brothers or sisters though. I guess maybe they could help you do it, I don’t know. I am an only child. Or at least I am now.

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Anyway, I hope this is helpful to you guys because it’s really a cool thing to do. The only thing is though, you should memorize this and then throw the paper away. I mimeoed it and I’m not gonna sign my name (you guys totally know who I am, anyway) but if someone finds this there could be a lot of trouble, and I can only do one person at a time, unless I had help like with the gym teacher Mr. Morton. I have done this 14 times since third grade and it worked out great every time and there is no reason you shouldn’t ought to be doing it too. If you want to start with animals I guess you could do that, which is what Miles Norris from Pulaski Middle School does and I know everybody thinks he’s such a big shot. Well okay number one, sixteen is more than fourteen, I know that, no doy, but you have to remember that a bunch of his were from one single bus crash while all mine were done one at a time and I think that counts for more. And number two Miles Norris is totally queer and Pulaski Middle School doesn’t even have a regular cafeteria and they wear those stupid candy-stripe outfits in marching band. Anyway, I don’t think animals really helps. It’s a crutch. It’s like tee-ball, or wearing waders in the pool and water-wings. You should just jump right into it because it’s not like how you practiced.

Some of the older kids tell you that it all changes when you get to junior high. Well that’s a long time off, and we’ll just burn that bridge when we get to it. In the meantime, you have to be ready. Good luck, and remember: throw this out. And I don’t mean just shove it in the back of your locker, this means you, Marty Kossoff. I know where you live. Right next door to me.

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