What Had Happened Was

What Had Happened Was

30

Sep

2013

To begin with, I just want to say that I think it's stupid that I have to do this. I know it's supposed to make me rehabilitate or whatever, but I really, really don't feel like doing it, and to be perfectly honest it seems kind of petty. I mean, I'm already in jail, right? You caught me! You win! It seems sort of lame that ...
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South Bronx, Way South Bronx

South Bronx, Way South Bronx

26

Sep

2013

"Welcome once again to BookTalk, where my guest, inexplicably, is Tyrell Hokus. He has been our guest twice before, under a policy by my previous booking agent of not bothering to find out anything about potential interview subjects. It's a policy I had hoped would be reversed, but we don't choose the hand life deals us, so ...
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Ain’t Love Grand

Ain’t Love Grand

25

Sep

2013

What may be the first truly crucial aesthetic argument of the 21st century – the proper place of video games in the pantheon of the arts – came to a head last week in a fairly spectacular fashion with the release of Grand Theft Auto V. The newest installment in the popular and critically acclaimed series of open-world c ...
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Unfair Use

Unfair Use

24

Sep

2013

"Good morning, and welcome once again to BookTalk. Today our guest is the always-controversial arts biographer, Mr. Tyrell Hokus. Mr. Hokus, good day to you.""Good morning, Ross.""Tom.""Ross.""I can assure you.""Well, hell. Sorry about that. I could have sworn it was Ross.""Think nothing of it. You're getting closer every t ...
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It’s the Arts, Stupid

It’s the Arts, Stupid

23

Sep

2013

"Mr. Tyrell Hokus is our guest in the studio today on BookTalk. Mr. Hokus is the author of a controversial new biography of Impressionist French composer Maurice Ravel. Good morning, Mr. Hokus.""Morning, Salvatore.""Tom.""Sorry, Tom.""Mr. Hokus, you are without a doubt one of the most talked-about arts biographers on the li ...
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It’s Drama Because It’s True

It’s Drama Because It’s True

22

Sep

2013

Dear Mr. Lombardo,My apologies for contacting you so presumptuously, but I think you'll be so excited about the program I'm proposing that you'll forgive my having bypassed the normal channels. For years, HBO has been enjoying success with historical drama -- millions of viewers have enjoyed your network's gripping adult vi ...
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Shout, Shout, Let It All Out

Shout, Shout, Let It All Out

20

Sep

2013

A novel is in many ways a lonely, solitary endeavor. But, curiously, it is also a collective enterprise -- a seeming contradiction for which I am extremely grateful. The following acknowledgments are long overdue.- Shout out to God. Peace to all the gods and the earths. As-salamu alaykum.- Shout out to my baby mama Esther. ...
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Who Put This Thing Together?

Who Put This Thing Together?

18

Sep

2013

Each year at this time, the Grady McPhailey Foundation releases a list of the annual recipients of the McPhailey Foundation Scholarship Grant, popularly known as the 'Grady Train'.Mr. McPhailey, heir to the McPhailey Ear Shortener fortune, spent his 72 years on Earth attempting to be a poet. Although he never completed any ...
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Are You Ready For Some Mascots?

Are You Ready For Some Mascots?

16

Sep

2013

MY N.F.L. PICKS FOR THE 2013-2014 SEASON (IN ASCENDING ORDER OF FINISH)32. Cleveland Browns. Frankly, this is just confusing. Is it the color brown? If so, it's too conceptual to win. Is it a person named Brown? If so, it all depends on if he's closer to Jim than to Charlie. Is it some kind ...
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Listeria

Listeria

15

Sep

2013

LARGEST FINANCIAL COMPENSATIONS I HAVE RECEIVED FOR WRITING THIS BLOG1. $280,750 from Henry Kissinger: for keeping my mouth shut2. $55,000 from Paragon Electrical Sex-Novelties of Daegu, South Korea: for dropping the lawsuit3. $1,000 per week for the duration of the blog from Raymond "Benzino" Scott: for co ...
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The Most Beautiful Fraud: All Night Long

The Most Beautiful Fraud:  <i>All Night Long</i>

15

Sep

2013

Charles Mingus is wrong, you see.Mingus is the first (and the greatest, though he'll have some stiff competition) jazz musician we see, idly coaxing some low mournful notes out of his upright bass in the spacious London loft of jazz aficionado Rod Hamilton (played with maximum glad-handing by Richard Attenborough).  When D ...
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Suboptimization

Suboptimization

13

Sep

2013

Let us say that you are an average American consumer, and you have taken it on yourself to purchase a combination shotgun/rod and reel so that you can recreationally kill two kinds of wildlife at once.  During a commercial break near the end of the evening's episode of Law & Order:  Canine Hangman Squad, you log on t ...
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Down That Wrong Road

Down That Wrong Road

12

Sep

2013

I was the one who finally got the courage up to knock on Old Man Tillman's door. They said I should be the one who done it because I ain't afraid of nothing. The other kids, they call me Johnny Fearless, because I'm supposed to have been born without no fear. It's really the drugs I take for my learning disability; they hav ...
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Snake Tube Boogie

Snake Tube Boogie

11

Sep

2013

Wednesday, Sept. 115:00 PM(CBS2) News(NBC5) News(ABC7) News(WGN9) Sabrina the Teenage Witch: Sabrina is drowned by the townspeople for consorting with the Devil.(PBS11) I Can Slaughter That!: home butchery.5:30 PM(PBS20) Charlie Rose: Charlie interviews the song "Joe McCart ...
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Good Reads for Bad Seeds

Good Reads for Bad Seeds

9

Sep

2013

Hello! My name is Jimmy. I used to be new in the neighborhood too, and it can be kind of scary. Will you be my friend? It's good to have FRIENDS. I made a new friend when I moved here, and he helped me get used to things, so it wasn't so scary. I like my friend. Let me show you around!*This is my house. It's where I go afte ...
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