It is both our honor and our privilege to announce to you that today, Korean Worker’s Party Day, the results of Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea Entertainment and Cultural Whatnots Weekly magazine’s annual People’s Choice Awards poll are to be announced! Yes, for the 29th year, you, the fun-loving and hard-working people of North Korea have been legally required to choose the finest that our shining nation has to offer in terms of Juche-doctrinal music, film, literature, cuisine, and other cultural achievements, and, for the 28th year, you have gladly and gratefully done so rather than being sent to a reeducation camp or used as airline hangar insulation material. Congratulations, brave eliminators of dogmatism and formalism and courageous establishers of Juche in ideological work! You are the real heroes! You and Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, Dear Leader Kim Jong-Un!
Now, let’s stop making the guards restless and get right to the awards.
We proudly announce the winner of the Kim Il-Sung Award for Excellence in Fiction! It goes to the new novel by our Dear Leader and Chairman of the DPRK National Defense Commission, Kim Jong-Un: The Devil Wears Shoddy Knockoff Adidas Crafted By Capitalist Dupes of the Southern Peninsula: A Novel Reflecting the Will and Aspirations of the Masses and Employed Fully in Revolution and Construction. This crowd-pleasing and best-selling tale of a hip and rigorously fashionable young woman who struggles to find the exit door from the brand-new Glorious People’s Revolutionary Concrete Sporting Facility while retaining her dignity and ability to mobilize her hilariously trendy young friends to constructive ideological action sold over three million copies to Kim Jong-Un alone, and is the top-selling book in the Democratic People’s Republic since it dethroned his previous book, All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned from the Dear Leader’s Theoretical Writings on Chajusong in Thought and Politics, Economic Self-Sufficiency and Self-Reliance in Defense. Congratulations to this deserving winner!
We proudly announce the winner of the Kim Il-Sung Award for Excellence in Film! It goes to the new science fiction film by our Dear Leader and General Secretary of the Korean Worker’s Party, Kim Jong-Un: The Fate of a Self-Defense Corps Man from Outer Space III: Self-Defense Corps Man from Outer Space Meets Robot Octopus! Easily the highest-grossing film at each of North Korea’s three remaining fully functional cinemas and a must-see at reeducation camps and juvenile counterrevolutionary rehabilitation centers from the parallel to the demilitarized zone, this thrilling sequel (freely adapted by Kim Jong-Un from his own novel, The Fate of a Self-Defense Corps Man from Outer Space Novel That Must Be Immediately Purchased and Read by All Party Members) pits our hero, Self-Defense Corps Man from Outer Space, against a vile imperialist automaton of Japanese design who has broken free in an attempt not to be eaten. We can hardly wait for the upcoming sequel, The Fate of a Self-Defense Corps Man from Outer Space IV: Mutant Clone Lords of Martyrdom During the Revolutionary Struggle Against Cultural and Ethno-Capitalist Dominion. Congratulations to this deserving winner!
We proudly announce the winner of the Kim-Il Sung Award for Excellence in Having a Gigantic Cardboard Flip-Sign of One’s Self Displayed at Mass Games! It goes, oddly enough, to Rhee Jin-Park of Wusan. The Dear Leader and Chair of the Highest Post of State will personally present Comrade Jin-Park with the award in the Darkened Basement With Ominously Stained Floor Room of the beautiful Armed Struggle Against Counter-Progressive Forces Hilton immediately after he accepts the Kim-Il Sung Award for Excellence in Non-Food-Content Meal Planning. Dire disapprobation to this doomed winner.