ADDICTION SOLITAIRE.
Can you make all cards match in descending suits before the junk sickness weakens you? A delightful romp through the worlds of both heroin abuse and online card games.
BLACKJACK.
Play a game of “21” with a slick Las Vegas sharpster. Later, after you lose, sneak up behind him in the parking lot, cosh him with a spring-loaded lead weight, and get all your money back.
BRIDGE.
In this fast-paced classic, you play a civil engineer who’s struggling to complete a new commuter bridge after staying up all night playing cards with your bitch wife and her shithead friends. Who will sue for divorce first after the civil suit?
CRIBBAGE.
Combines all the thrills and chills of cards and dice with the spills of moving a golf tee around a wooden board! An ideal game for the elderly, the near-death, and small children too dumb to know better.
CANASTA. Not just a mysterious enigma sometimes invoked in 1950s Bugs Bunny cartoons, but an actual card game you can play! It’s like Bezique, like you know what that is, loser.
EUCHRE. Another game popular with the senile and pointlessly retro. This one is available in a variety of flavors, including Euchre-Wrist (for the religious), Euchre Mage (for the geeky), and Euchre’s Wild (for the 1970s game show enthusiast). Impress your easily impressed friends, and take all their tip money to boot!
GIN RUMMY. If there’s one thing alc0holics love almost as much as booze, unemployment, and annoying their friends, it’s card games! Especially ones named for liquor. Try our hot new variant, Whisky Wino.
GO FISH. This is a great one, because it sounds like you’re going to do an actual physical activity (albeit a pathetically low-energy one), but you’re not. Perfect for people who have “graduated” from playing War.
HEARTS. There’s only one suit that matters in this family favorite! Play to win, because just like the Aztecs of yore, you’ll be betting against the still-beating hearts of your enemies.
HOLD ‘EM POKER. The non-consensual sex game that’s fun for one and all.
PINOCHLE. First developed in 342 A.D., this game has been played continuously for over 1500 years by people with nothing better to do. Involve your middle school children and watch them delight in calling it “pee-knuckle”.
WHIST. One round, and you’ll be “whist-ful” for more! No, seriously, we don’t even know what the fuck this one is. It seems to attract white retirees, though, so look for lots of plug-in java ads for Liberty Mutual Life.
BIG OL’ EATIN’ CONTEST, WHOOO.
A standard eating contest, but with an element of choice involved. Each contestant gets to pick which bulk food item he thinks he can consume at a single sitting. For example:
– a 10-lb. bag of flour or a 2-lb. can of lard
– a 3-lb. bag of sugar or a 1-lb. can of salt
– a 96-ounce steak or a 5-lb. wheel of cheddar
– 3 fifths of vodka or an entire bottle of ephedra
– one entire pig or eight whole chickens
Winner gets his medical bills paid by the loser’s insurance company, if any.