The Stately Homes of Blingland
Welcome to Rapsylvania!
I’m your tour guide, Sharon, and I’ll be sharin’ with you — ha ha — some of the sights, sounds and stories of this, the palatial mansion of Spin-L.P., the biggest-selling recording artist in the history of hip-hop. There is no food or drink on the tour, and due to the mad levels of ice in the estate, I’ll have to ask you to refrain from using flash photography else you be blindin’ me, bling bling. Yes, cell phone cameras too. Otherwise, please feel free to ask me any questions at all, and let’s get ready to climb all up in this piece!
Our first stop is the Trophy Room. This is where Spin kept his gold and platinum records. The ones you see now are actually replicas, since in 2014, he attempted to melt all 47 of them down and make one big-ass platinum record, yo, only to discover they weren’t actually made of gold. However, he had them recast, then purchased enough precious metals to create actual gold and platinum records, which he then had melted down and made into one big-ass platinum record, yo, which you will see hanging above our heads. Also, to your left is the glass case containing Spin’s famous “wheels of steel” medallion. Early in his career, he had taken to wearing a large gold medallion portraying a set of turntables, so that everyone who saw him in the street would know how much he loved scratchin’. Later, he had it encased in steel, for verisimilitude’s sake, but then changed it back to gold when he realized that not only was steel not as dope as gold, but that “wheels of steel” is actually just a clever rhyme and that the turntable is mostly made of plastic and light-gauge aluminum. As his career began to take off, he had his first Technics 1200 bronzed, and wore that as a medallion; then he had it covered in steel, and finally he had the entire unit re-created in and dipped in molten gold. Wearing this breathtaking piece of jewelry left no doubt how fond he was of yellin’ with his hands; however, when he began to develop severe lower back problems, he had to discontinue wearing it and retired the piece here to the Trophy Room.
Next we come upon the Kitchen Complex. Now, many of you have probably heard all sorts of wack rumors about Spin-L.P.’s eating habits, so let’s set a few things straight. First of all, he did not have rubies ground up and used as a garnish for all his meals, although he certainly could have afforded to do so, so lovely was the cheddar flowin’. He did enjoy floating gold flakes in his beverages and soups, but this was only due to his childhood fondness for Goldschlager. And second, his dietary habits were not even particularly excessive; his weight problem was largely due to a lifelong glandular problem, exacerbated by the excess production of growth hormones resulting from the fact that he was an obscene machine who rocked the mic between like Goliath the Philistine. In fact, his only out-of-the-ordinary eating habit was to give up red meat and excess sodium after his third heart attack at age 26, and he only did that after learning that it would be unfeasible to have a solid gold artificial heart implanted.
Now, as I’m sure you are all aware, Spin was all about representin’ Chi. For him, “Albany Park — what?!?” wasn’t just a rhetorical question; he really did want the world to see where the realness be in Ward Three-Three. Unfortunately, due to the small-mindedness of the Chicago Police Department and an unusually high ‘hater cluster’ near his Francisco Avenue apartment, he was forced to move here to Bel-Air in late 2016. But he still missed the ‘hood that had inspired the juggernaut that was his music career, so, as you’ll see right through this hallway, he actually had the Upper Albany Park area duplicated by some of Hollywood’s finest craftsmen. It’s a near-perfect replica, right down to the fact that the Burger King is staffed by the same employees it had when he was rollin’ forties in the parking lot. They still make minimum wage — 1996-level minimum wage! If you folks would like to stick around for a little while, the Triflin’ Motherfuckers Parade is at 6PM, and for only five dollars, you can watch a specially trained punk step up to get beat down by our uncanny staff of glandularly afflicted Spin-L.P. impersonators. In the meantime, if you’d like to come along with me to the mock-up of Spin’s old apartment building, you’ll enjoy hearing a group of actors paid to represent his neighbors confess that they always knew he was incredibly talented, but they never said anything at the time because they were so intimidated by his greatness.
The next-to-the last stop on our tour — right before the gift shop, ha ha! — is the Game Room. In addition to the famous slanted billiards table, the ceelo corner with platinum bones, a specially built boxing ring where Spin paid disgraced former champions to take dives for him, and a tackling dummy specially built to resemble Wale, here’s where you’ll find Spin’s famous ice rink, where he put into practice the famous claim of a rival rapper that he had so much ice you could skate on it. This particular feature of the mansion cost over thirteen billion dollars, and Spin had to sell his controlling interest in Death Row Records to cover the project. Luckily, however, the vengeful former owner of the company had recently died in a mysterious Jeep-beat accident and no serious repercussions were noted. Also, over here, you’ll see an Xbox Zero. It’s one one of only six ever made, the other five going to Lil Wayne, Bill Gates, former president Nancy Grace, Doug Basham, and Booker Prize winner James Kelman. This machine actually plugs directly into the user’s skull and allows him to experience the game as if it were really happening! Spin was extremely fond of playing on his rare nights of relaxation away from the road and the studio. However, there is no truth to the rumor that ingesting drain cleaner while playing a North Korean bootleg version of NASCAR Driver 2019 is what led to his tragic death in the early morning hours of June 24 at a lion-infested simulacrum of the now-closed Talladega Motor Speedway.
Thank you all so much for sharin’ — ha ha, I know! — this time with me! Remember, all of Spin-L.P.’s albums, movies, videos, e-books, singles, t-shirts, action figures and replica solid gold turntables are for sale in the Rapsylvania House of S.W.A.G.G. And don’t forget, the pool is filled with uncut sapphires, not water, so please do not dive in or severe trauma, blood loss, and death may occur. Rapsylvania can’t responsible for that shit, doe.