Last Post About Satan
ED “SCUPPER” HELMOND, VICE-PRESIDENT, BAKERSFIELD CHAPTER, SATAN’S SERVANTS M.C.: “Well, I’ll be honest with you, man. We didn’t used to be called Satan’s Servants. Before this, we were the Rough Riders, and before that, back in ’49 when the club was first founded, we were actually called the Rosedale Rollin’ Admirals, which, come on, that’s just gay. Rough Riders worked for us for a while, but the club logo was this cartoon of Teddy Roosevelt. Nothin’ against Teddy Roosevelt, he whipped the Nazis back in WWII, but the other clubs in town all had pictures of skulls and devil’s heads and monsters and shit like that as their logos, and frankly we were starting to feel like a bunch of pussies. So in ’77, when me and Puker Dan took over leadership of the club when old Jimmy the Toe went to Chino for selling crank to an undercover eight-year-old, we decided it was time for a change. We went through a lot of possibilities — the Frankenstein Heads, the Devil’s Dukes, the Oil City Huns MC…we were pretty close to using the Fist Fuckers, but the print shop wouldn’t take our work order, and besides, Ratfink Larry said that’s the kind of name that can really easily be misinterpreted. Once we finally picked this name, some guys weren’t really happy at the whole notion of us being servants, but we told ’em that Satan could lick any man in the club, and if he didn’t, I would. I think it’s a good name. We’re always doin’ stuff like beatin’ people up, stealin’ shit, misusing cold medication — stuff like that. I’m not sure if it directly serves Satan, but it can’t hurt.
BARRY “LORD VULGARYN” COLETTA, LEAD GUITAR PLAYER, THE DEVIL’S FINGERS: “Okay, to start with, let’s get this clear: we’re a Satanic metal band. You can call us all kinds of other bullshit, like black metal or speed metal or thrash metal or death metal or whatever you want. Fuck, call us blue metal or pink metal for all I care. Although, seriously, not pink. Anyway, my point is, serving Satan is what we’re all about. All of our songs are hymns to Satan. All our records are concept albums about Satan. All of our album titles contain the word ‘Satan’. All my guitar solos are in the key of Satan, which is E flat minor. Each item of clothing we wear on stage has been duly consecrated to Satan by Vomitrex, the bass player for Helletor Skeletor, who’s a priest of Satan on his off days from working at Hot Topic. Some of the other guys in the band aren’t as devout as I am — like, I don’t even listen to any music thing that doesn’t have the words ‘Satan’, ‘Devil’ or ‘Lucifer’ in the first two lines of the lyrics — but basically, we are all about helping Satan. That’s why we picked the name ‘The Devil’s Fingers’. We feel like we’re pretty much an extension of the Dark Lord here on Earth, like, his appendages or digits or whatever they’re called, breaching the unholy membrane between this world and the afterlife, and doing his bidding throughout the greater Utica area. Whether it’s in the form of singing, playing music, standing up to mall cops, throwing bags of dog shit off the overpass near Oneida County Airport, drinking Jack Daniels straight from the bottle, or thinking about maybe setting fire to a Sunday school one day, we are here to do our Dark Master’s will. Don’t tell the cops that stuff about burning down a church, though, dude, I’m on probation. Traffic stuff.”
FATHER DOMANATH, PARISH PRIEST, AMERICAN REFORMED CHURCH OF SATAN (WISCONSIN SYNOD): “Naturally, it is our duty as the Earthly adherents of the Lord of Light to perform all tasks required of us by the Prince of Darkness, Satan. This involves charitable donations, attending to the needs of our paritioners, providing spiritual guidance and moral lessons to the flock, overseeing the construction of new buildings, and spreading the good word about Satan and his power over mankind. Of course, there’s all these stereotypes about us killing small animals, kidnapping virgins for use in black masses, holding orgies, fathering children of Satan who will grow up to lead the armies of Earth into terrible wars of destruction, and drinking blood from Orange Julius cups, but I don’t think that’s even as much as 35, 40% of what we do. The rest of it is just good old basic community outreach. I can’t even remember the last time I killed a dog and wore its head on my hands. Mostly it’s Joyce, my secretary, who does that anymore.”
SATAN, THE MORNING STAR, DARK LORD OF CREATION, MOST FAVORED OF ALL THE ANGELS, MASTER OF THE FALLEN HORDE, TEMPTER OF MANKIND: “Hey, man, don’t lay any of that shit on me. I have nothing to do with those people. I operate exactly two — coun’t ’em, two — businesses on the entire planet Earth: Morning Star Amalgamated Household LLC, an outfit in Tustin that makes drain stoppers and soap dishes and that kind of thing, and a Subway in King of Prussia, PA. That’s it. Go talk to the Shriners, maybe they can tell you something about all these douchebags, but it ain’t got nothing to do with me. Also, you know all the serial killers who say that I come to them in the form of a disembodied voice or a talking dog and whatever and tell them to kill people? That’s 100% unadulterated horseshit, man. I got a guy down here does all my killing for me, he works on spec and doesn’t get me mixed up in a lot of union bullshit. I don’t know who these guys are working for, but it ain’t me. Maybe the Mormons.”