Read On Your Own Time
Yes, the holidays are approaching, the time when we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We wish you all the best of seasons, and hope you will celebrate in a devout and solemn manner, as opposed to the drunken revels of the hated Saxon. Just as a reminder, anyone found drinking spirits or engaging in lewdness during the high holy days will be boiled alive. Thanks!
Also, many of you have inquired as to the holiday work schedule. You may, of course, take Christmas Day off, and you may also take Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas off, providing you do not object to being boiled alive.
Lately there has been some talk of labor unrest. We are not sure what this means. However, we have always prided ourselves on being an organization that advocates for the rights of the peasant. Therefore, anyone attending one of these trade-union meetings will be scalped and skinned for their failure to recognize our benevolence.
There have been questions about the fate of Antioch Bebescu and Sergiu Medrea, who organized just such a trade-union and have not been seen for several months. All those who posed such questions have been scalped and skinned.
All in all, December has been a banner month for workplace safety at Castle Bran. Cold weather conditions notwithstanding, we have seen an overall decrease in injuries, and the new labor crews working on the expansion of the windows on the west wall have reported dramatically fewer unsafe conditions. We attribute this to the former west wall labor crew’s actions: they reported extremely hazardous conditions, and were subsequently locked in a shed which was then set on fire. Let’s all learn from the good example of the new west wall labor crew!
We’d also like to report a new change in our medical policy. Starting January 1st (a new year, already! 1472 will be the best yet, Wallachia!), employees who are injured on the job will not be immediately put to death. They will be sent instead to the new “infirmary”, where we will wait for them to die of their injuries. If they show signs of recovery, the infirmary will be locked and set on fire.
It wouldn’t be a company newsletter without a mention of those darn Turks! Here’s a rich one Lord Tepes heard at a local tavern: It seems a pair of the vile Mohametan heathen were fishing on Lake Van in a boat they stole from a devout Christian lady who was later raped and killed to feed their filthy appetites. They caught so many fish that the first Ottoman says, “We must come back here tomorrow!” The second Ottoman asks, “How will we remember the spot?” The first unleashes his scimitar, which was no doubt used to butcher an infant in the sacking of the Holy City of Jerusalem, and carves a big ‘X’ in the bottom of the boat. “There!” he says. “Now we’ll just look for the ‘X’!” The second Ottoman is furious. “You idiot!”, he shouts, “How do you know we’ll get the same boat?”
Lord Tepes was so delighted by this witty tale that he commanded we tell it here. He also had the owners of the tavern decapitated for selling intoxicating spirits on Sundays.
As the most holy time of the year draws near, we realize that there are many issues weighing heavily on the minds of our employees. Some of you have sinned; some know of others who have sinned; and a select few foolishly constructed the arrow slits in the north tower several inches under specification, and attempted to blame their incompetence at following blueprints on being unable to read. Thankfully, these illiterate ne’er-do-wells were castrated and impaled, and their widows fed to the wolves, but it doesn’t have to happen to you! Spiritual guidance is available 24 hours a day and 7 days a week at the local parish. We urge you to confess your sins, the sins of others, and the possibility of future sins and those likely to commit them, to one of the priests in great detail. We especially recommend Father Goga, who is a very good listener.
Merry Christmas to all the Dracula “family”! (Please note: non-relatives who represent themselves as actual members of the Dracula family will be castrated and impaled, and their widows fed to the wolves.)