Go Gamecocks

“Coach Ryan, if you want to fight me on this, I’m absolutely prepared to go over your head.”

“Jennifer, I can assure you, it’s…”

“Remember, you’re just the athletic director. If you think I’m not willing to talk to the president of the university, you’re sadly mistaken.”

“I just don’t feel it’s an appropriate sport for a co-educational college.”

“Oh, so this is a boy’s club thing!”

“No, no! I just meant that…”

“That’s not why they call it cockfighting, you know, Coach.”

“I know. I know. I meant it’s not the sort of…”

“I assume you’ve heard of a little thing called Title IX.”

Title IX? We don’t even have a men’s cockfighting team!”

“And I suppose you’re going to blame that on the women’s cockfighting team draining your funding away. Look, it may not be a big-money sport like football or baseball, but it’s got a very proud and noble tradition.”

“But…well, look, I…”

“If it’s the money that worries you, I even have a sponsorship deal lined up.”

“Sponsorship? From who?”

“Quaker Oats Full-O-Pep Growing Mash. They’ve promised us five grand and little jerseys for the bantams. Plus, there’ll be the television money.”


“Cockfighting doesn’t really play on the radio, Coach.”

“No, I mean…who’s going to televise it?”

“ESPN2. They’re pretty desperate for programming. Apparently the Magic: The Gathering tourneys aren’t drawing a big viewership like they used to.”

“Look, Jennifer, you’ve obviously put a lot of work into this, and it’s something you clearly care about a great deal…”

“You’re damn right, Coach Ryan. My family has raised champion blood-bantams and fighting hens since before the American Civil War.”

“It’s just that, well, cockfighting is…isn’t it illegal?”

“Not in three states. Of which we just happen to be one.”

“But, I mean, there aren’t a lot of schools that have cockfighting programs, are there?”

“Sure there are! At least 23 Division III schools in those three states.”

“But we’re a Division I school.”

“What’s your point?”

“Even if I were to allow this, who would we play?”

“That’s the beauty of it, Coach Ryan. We’re guaranteed a championship at least the first two, three years. By the time the other DI schools catch up to us, we’ll already be in the history books.”



“Show me the little jerseys.”


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