Deadlier Than the Mail

Deadlier Than the Mail

27

Feb

2014

Q. What are they again?A. They are the Seven Deadly sins.Q. No, I mean what are they. Repeat them.A. They are avarice, envy, gluttony, lust, pride, sloth, and wrath.Q. What happened to anger, covetousness, and greed?A. They have been rebranded as wrath, envy, and avarice.Q. Why?A. We have new traditions to create.Q. Really? ...
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The Obliviist

The Obliviist

25

Feb

2014

They were crossing the bridge, on the way to meet the client, and the boy wouldn’t stop talking about Zen.The hotel where the client wanted to meet was just ahead. Anagnostakis liked to walk whenever possible, to avoid the cameras in parking garages. This was one of the many things the boy had taken a very long time in un ...
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That Darn Cat

That Darn Cat

23

Feb

2014

I AM DEEPLY HURT BY YOUR CALLING ME A MILK BABY. I AM NOT. BUT I AM A MONSTER. I AM THE "SON OF TWINKLES"I AM A LITTLE "PUSS"WHEN MOTHER TWINKLES GETS DRUNK SHE GETS FRISKY. SHE EATS HER CHILDREN. SOMETIMES SHE PICKS THEM UP BY THE SCRUFF AROUND THE LIVING ROOM. OTHER TIMES SHE PLAYS WITH THE CARDBOARD WE HAVE ON THE END OF ...
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I Shall Never Play the Dane

I Shall Never Play the Dane

21

Feb

2014

"I'm bored.""You're...some people would kill for your role!""I'm sorry I ever took it. It's a curse. Same thing night after night.""What are you, Tom Stoppard?""It's tedium personified. Why can't we mix it up a bit, do something different?""Roger, it's Hamlet. People have certain expectations.""I'm not saying we leave out ' ...
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How You Gonna Keep ‘Em Down On The Farm?

How You Gonna Keep ‘Em Down On The Farm?

19

Feb

2014

The old man don't understand. Most nights I keep quiet enough about it but sometimes he'll get to talking and I can't help myself. Like tonight. We was at the dinner table and he talks about how maybe we can trade a few of the good herd for a new churn and a blade for the plow."You know, pop," I says, all friendly because I ...
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One D, Two Ys, Two Ss

One D, Two Ys, Two Ss

17

Feb

2014

Troy:  I don't really remember much about Troy, man. It's all pretty much a blur. Some bad shit went on over there, that's all I can tell you. We 'won'. That's what they tell me, anyway. All I remember is stabbing a lot of people in the jaw, and a whole bunch of shit that smelled bad. There wasn't a lot of ...
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Hold My Life

Hold My Life

15

Feb

2014

"Hello, DynoTech Solutions, can I help you?""Yes, I'm calling about a problem I'm having with my external hard drive.""Can I put you on hold for just a moment?""Sure."" ... ""Uh...hello?""Yes, sir?""Are you there?""Yes, sir, can I help you?""Yeah, I was calling about my hard drive, and...""Yes, sir. I wanted to know if I co ...
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It’s What’s Inside That Counts

It’s What’s Inside That Counts

13

Feb

2014

How many times have YOU tried to lose weight? How many FAD diets have you forced yourself to follow, only to be disappointed AGAIN and AGAIN? How often have you tried to eat right AND exercise, only to find out that it's really COLD outside? You DESERVE to look good. And to FEEL good. Other diets have MADE that promise, but ...
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Pay No Attention to the Man Beneath the Turban

Pay No Attention to the Man Beneath the Turban

11

Feb

2014

You are curious! There is no other reason that you are reading this; an inquisitiveness of the mind and spirit has brought you here. And you are blessed! For curiosity is a wonderful thing. Not too much curiousity, of course. One should always recognize the limits of curiosity. As the proverb has it, that's ...
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Eighteen Five

Eighteen Five

9

Feb

2014

It is the most infamous segment of time in American political history. It is the eighteen-and-a-half-minute gap left on the Watergate tapes, the result of an attempted erasure of the material by then-President Richard Nixon himself. For over 40 years, historians, conspiracists, and Nixon's friends and foes alike have puzzle ...
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I’m a ‘Gypsy’ Motherfucker

I’m a ‘Gypsy’ Motherfucker

7

Feb

2014

FREAKS, FAGGOTS, DRUNKS & JUNKIES: a musical fantasy based upon the songs of GG AllinAct 1Flashback: Lancaster, N.H., 1975. A young Kevin Allin is celebrating his 18th birthday and his parents, a pair of well-off New Englanders, present him with a gift he's dreamed of since his freshman ...
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The Beast is Red

The Beast is Red

5

Feb

2014

Author's Note:  In 2008, just before the presidential elections, I took a trip (funded in part by a group of troublemaking liberals) to CPAC, the Conservative Political Action Conference, in Washington, DC.  My goal was to take massive quantities of drugs and write about my experiences in the belly of the beast during the ...
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Spirits in the Sky

Spirits in the Sky

3

Feb

2014

BRAHMA: Come on, guys, let's get a move on here. I want to get home before the next Maha Yuga.VISHNU: I need a drink.SHIVA: You need six drinks. Maybe then you'll pass out.V: Eat it.B: Seriously. Let's just figure this out, it shouldn't be taking this long. It's one lousy trimurti.S: Well, go ahead already, you're so smart. ...
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Words, Words, Words (Repeat)

Words, Words, Words (Repeat)

1

Feb

2014

"Stop tormenting me, you ridiculous contraption!"WHAT IS THE MATTER WILLIAM-WORDSWORTH CANT YOU THINK OF ANYTHING"You know deuced well that I cannot concentrate on my art with your infernal chattering."OH SO ITS MY FAULT IS IT WILLIAM-WORDSWORTH YES THAT MUST BE IT AND NOT AT ALL THAT YOU ARE A BIG HACK"A hack? What on...lo ...
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