It’s What’s Inside That Counts
How many times have YOU tried to lose weight? How many FAD diets have you forced yourself to follow, only to be disappointed AGAIN and AGAIN? How often have you tried to eat right AND exercise, only to find out that it’s really COLD outside? You DESERVE to look good. And to FEEL good. Other diets have MADE that promise, but they could NEVER deliver. Sometimes it seems like the FIT, SEXY body you’re ENTITLED to will never be yours.
You’ve HEARD about it on the radio. You’ve SEEN in in the backs of magazines. You’ve watched our spokesperson, TV’s Veronica Hamel, TALK about it in our award-winning infomercials. But now, you’ve had the COURAGE to log on to our website and find out about it for YOURSELF. Congratulations! This is your first step to a WHOLE NEW YOU — a thin, healthy, trim and popular new you. The you you’ve always BEEN but have never actually LOOKED like until this very moment! You are a SPECIAL person. It’s about time you started LIVING like a special person, with the Continual Shitting Diet Plan.
We know you’ve got questions. And you know we’ve got answers.
Q: What is the Continual Shitting Diet Plan?
A: It’s a miraculous breakthrough in the science of weight loss that will TAKE the pounds off and KEEP the pounds off — for good!
Q: Can you explain the sound scientific foundation of the Continual Shitting Diet Plan?
A: It’s very HARD to explain this to someone without a degree in micromolecular bio-dieticianary medicine, like our founder Dr. Gunter Z-Mar. However, here’s a SIMPLIFIED VERSION:
Contrary to popular belief, eating does NOT make you fat! It’s RETAINING what you eat that makes you fat! Your body’s so-called “NATURAL” process of absorption and digestion allows it to retain fats, fluids, sugars, carbohydrates and other plumping agents that make you lose sight of the svelte you you are. We have perfected a means of TRAINING your body to constantly EXPEL the harmful FOOD-STUFFS that lead to weight gain!
– There’s NO diet plan. Eat whatever you like, whenever you like, as MUCH as you like!
– There’s NO exercise program, aside from the muscular contractions that will become part of your everyday routine. These are non-strenuous, can be performed anywhere, and are suitable for people of ANY age, sex, or physical type! It’s like you’re not exercising AT ALL!
– There’s NO special food to buy, NO rules to follow, and NO difficult math to do!
Q: How does it work?
A: Quite simply, you will use THREE easy techniques to put the Continual Shitting Diet Plan into effect. They’re REMARKABLY BASIC!
1. I.P.L. (Internal Pathway Lubrication)
2. L. & E. (Liquefaction & Expulsion)
3. P.I.O. (Psychological Ins and Outs)
These direct, stress-free techniques, based on basic scientific principles of Lawsonomy, will train you to excrete EVERYTHING you consume within minutes — and food that’s not IN YOUR BODY is food that can’t MAKE YOU FAT! The Continual Shitting Diet Plan is as simple as that! The key to fast and effective weight loss is CONTINUAL SHITTING!
Q: But the body absorbs nutrients from food. If I’m constantly defecating out what I eat without digesting it, won’t I die of malnutrition?
A: Oh, a SMART GUY, eh? Well, listen, PROFESSOR, we just want to make people feel good and have the lives that will make them fulfilled and successful, not impress everyone with how FANCY we are. But since you asked, that problem is EASILY solved by the purchase of Continual Shitting Diet Plan Vitamin Supplements, sold separately. These will give you ALL the nutrients we think you’ll need to survive — AND THERE’S EVEN MORE! Each Continual Shitting Diet Plan Vitamin Supplement contains a powerful LAXATIVE, which will actually HELP with the diet program! It’s like getting FOUR amazing weight-loss techniques for the price of THREE! Call today, and we’ll send you your first supplements in the mail TOMORROW! You’ll be shitting off the weight before you KNOW it!
Q: Won’t this have a deleterious effect on my social interactions?
A: Not at ALL! With the Continual Shitting Diet Plan, you’ll be taught how to INSTANTLY neutralize offensive odors; how to LAYER your clothing to absorb fecal matter while at work or out for a night on the town; and how to ORDER the patented Continual Shitting Diet Plan AfterFood Undergarments, so that no one’s the wiser. Look at it THIS way: adult incontinence is a multi-BILLION dollar industry, and you probably don’t know WHO around you wears diapers. Besides, you’ll win all the friends you NEED when the plan gives you a SULTRY, SEXY BODY! They’ll forget all about the barely-noticable smell and the stains on your chair when they see you in that SKIMPY LITTLE BLACK DRESS!
Q: Does it have to be called the Continual Shitting Diet Plan?
A: There are TWO ways to feel good about yourself. There’s the FIRST way, which is to feel good because everyone walks on tiptoes around you and never says PLAIN, HONEST WORDS that everyone can understand for fear of offending your BIG FATASS, and there’s the second way, which is SHITTING YOUR WAY INTO A SEXY BIKINI. When you decide which way you’d prefer to live, give us a call.