Spray It, Don’t Say It

To the voters of the great state of Montana,

I, Horace Nettleton, campaign manager for the Great Azkar, have been ordered to issue this statement to you in hopes of clarifying certain issues which have recently come to the public attention. It is to be hoped that when each of you go to the voting booths on this November to elect a new leader for out state, you will remember that the Great Azkar made this attempt at reconciliation rather than using violence, although the Great Azkar certainly could have done so.

A great deal of misinformation has been spread by the Great Azkar’s political opponents, who are terrified of the Great Azkar winning the election. They are right to fear the Great Azkar, for the Great Azkar’s victory would mean an unspeakable fate for them, for their children, for their families and supporters. In a vain attempt to derail the Great Azkar’s unstoppable momentum, they have circulated lies about this tremendous leader of men in hopes their vanity and stinking corruption will go unchecked. The foremost of these lies concerns the Great Azkar’s alleged ineligibility for the governorship of this great state.

Please direct your attention, voters, to the attached holocopy of the Montana state constitution. It explicity states that the only requirements for holding this state’s highest office are that one be 25 years of age, posses United States citizenship, and have been a resident of Montana for two years leading into the election. I shall, as the Great Azkar commands, address the last of these issues first. Is it true, as the craven Republican candidate Arthur Johannsen the insipid weakling charges, that the Great Azkar has not lived in Montana more than three months? Voters, this is an utter falsehood. The Great Azkar has, in fact, lived in the beautiful state of Montana for over six years. The Great Azkar’s permanent residence, as listed in the Great Azkar’s application forms for the office of governor, is a subterranean pit sixteen miles northwest of Bozeman, and three hundred and fifty six feet below the surface. Despite the cowardly degenerate Johannsen’s claims, nowhere does the constitution specify that the residence of the governor be established by time spent above ground. Is the Great Azkar to be punished because the Great Azkar does not react well to sunlight? Is the Great Azkar to be penalized because the Great Azkar prefers the glories of damp, pitch-black caves in Montana to single-family ranch homes in Montana? Is the Great Azkar to suffer becase the Great Azkar only occasionally emerges from the vast beneath to make shopping mall appearances, deliver policy platforms, and feast on some of our state’s excellent beef cattle? Above ground or below, the Great Azkar (and the Great Azkar’s lovely children Garalak the Flesh-Eater, Merciless Hangahar, and the Great Azkar, Jr.) is as much a resident of this state as you, I, or slobbering mouth-breather Arthur Johannsen.

Secondly, the decrepit eater of filth known to you as Democratic gubernatorial candidate Harlan Shepherd, may his bowels leak outward from his body and fall to his feet in bloody-ribboned heaps as a foul-smelling testament to his perfidy, has accused the Great Azkar of violating the first requirement for the governorship. While it is technically true that both the Great Azkar and the Great Akzar’s devoted wife Mandy, Bringer of Tears, are only fourteen years old, the first eight years of the Great Azkar and Mandy, Bringer of Tears’ lives were spend on the distant planet of Gaa’alath in the Quadrant of Blissful Agonies. On the Great Azkar’s homeworld, one year is equivalent to seventy-three years here on Earth. This means that the Great Azkar is, in fact, just under six hundred years old, and had accumulated a sterling record of public service more than 200 years prior to the founding of the United States of America. Compare this, if you will, to the incompetent and repulsive Arthur Johannsen’s six years as lieutenant governor, or the slothful and impotent Harlan Shepherd’s twelve years as a district attorney, and ask yourselves: who is truly unqualified to lead our state into the future?

Finally, allow me to address an issue which has come up repeatedly since the Great Azkar began campaigning, and which very nearly led to tragedy at the recent debate in Jackson Hole. Some putrid worms in human shape have been spreading the malicious slander that the Great Azkar is driven into a murderous rage when the Great Azkar is referred to by a pronoun rather than as the Great Azkar. Now, it is true that on the Great Azkar’s homeworld, cultural tradition deems it a grave insult to refer to someone with a pronoun. However, claiming that it sends the Great Azkar into a “murderous rage” is nothing but the basest political mudslinging. First of all, while the Great Azkar, upon the Great Azkar’s inevitable ascension to the governorship, vows to enforce all the laws of our state and our nation, on the Great Azkar’s home planet of Gaa’alath, there is no such concept as ‘murder’, and to the Great Azkar, killing is not substantively different from exterminating a termite. (Hence the Great Azkar’s tough-on-crime stance, which has been so widely embraced by the voters of Montana.) Second, ‘rage’ implies that the Great Azkar is not in control of the Great Azkar’s actions, which I can assure you is not the case. The Great Azkar always knows who the Great Azkar is eating, and why the Great Azkar is eating it, or in some cases, them. (It is not only on Gaa’alath that pronouns cause trouble!)

To call the activities of the Great Azkar when the Great Azkar’s cultural norms are not respected ‘murder’ smacks of intolerance, lack of compassion, and — dare I say — racism. This is simply a concerted effort by bigoted party hacks to prevent you, the voter, from electing the first non-human governor in the history of the United States with a bunch of racist, xenophobic, ridiculous fairy tales about insanity, murder and cannibalism (I will not dignify this last charge with a response other than to say that if Mr. Johansen believes that the Great Azkar’s having eaten his daughter constitutes cannibalism, he obviously hasn’t been reading his dictionary). Do not be fooled by these scare tactics, voters of Montana. Elect the best: elect the Great Azkar. I thank you, and he thanks you.

Oh, shit.

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