Most Toys Wins


“What? I can’t hear you.”


“I can’t hear you from up here. Let me come down there.”

“You can’t park that thing here.”

“What’s that, friend?”

“You can’t — what is that thing? You can’t park that here.”

“I thought this was a parking lot.”

“It is, but…”

“Well, a parking lot is for parking, buddy.”

“It is, but…”

“Then I don’t see what the problem is.”

“It’s, this thing, it takes up six spaces.”

“It’s a plus-size vehicle. It takes up as many spaces as it fits.”

“What is this thing? This is for cars. This area is for cars. This isn’t a loading dock.”

“This isn’t a commercial vehicle, pal. You see a coat like this on a UPS driver? You know how much this coat cost? This coat cost your last ten paychecks.”

“I don’t care what it is. It’s too big. It…what is this thing?”

“It’s a Rolls, friend. Get a good look. You ain’t gonna get to see one from the inside, bet on it.”

“That’s not a Rolls-Royce. I’ve seen a Rolls-Royce.”

“It’s a Rolls where it counts, smart guy. Rolls Perkins Condor CV-12 diesel powertrain. 1200 horses under the hood, tied to a David Brown TN54 epicyclic tranny.”

“But it’s got, like, a cannon out on the front of it.”

“No kidding, Einstein. It’s a Challenger 2 Main Battle Tank.”

“This is a…it’s a tank? You drive a tank? Like an Army tank?”

“A British Army tank. You couldn’t get me in a cheap American job. You see how those things turn over in the heat?”

“Why do you have a tank?”

“Same reason I wear a Rolex. I can afford it.”

“But…look at the parking lot, mister. It’s torn to pieces. Who’s supposed to pay for that?”

“I’m lookin’ on a list of my problems, Jack, and I don’t see that one. You might want to look on your list of problems.  I bet it’ll turn up. You want to run a shopping mall, you need to recognize the needs of the modern marketplace. This baby weighs a cool 68 tons. Maybe you should speak to your supervisor or whatever about trying a little harder to accomodate your customers.”

“What do you need a tank for? Are you in…you’re not in the Army or anything, are you?  Why in the world do you need a tank?”

“It’s not about need. It’s about ability. It’s about prestige. It’s about what you can do, not about what you have to do. Driving only the car you need is for people who let their needs control them.”

“What kind of mileage do you get in that thing?”

Mileage? Are you kidding me? You don’t drive a Challenger for mileage. These things have an exemption. I let the chumps with Explorers and Sportages worry about mileage. The power plant alone on this costs as much as most SUVs.”

“Look, you just can’t park that thing here.”

“Fine with me. I’ll park it across town, at a different mall. They’ll get my business and your boss will get a letter telling him how you cost him the money I was gonna spend here.”

“It can’t be legal. You have to need some kind of…I dunno…special permit to have one of these things.”

“I’m not a lawyer, man. I’m a fucking investment banker. You gonna tell me you’re a lawyer? What, in your spare time from being a goddamn parking lot attendant at the mall?”

“Don’t get personal, mister.”

“I get whatever I want, pal. That’s why I drive a Challenger.”


%d bloggers like this: