Taxing, Very Taxing

Do You Have To File?

Of course you have to file. What, do you think you’re special or something? With your fancy lawyers, or your inability to speak English? You think that means you don’t have to pay taxes? Well, surprise, surprise, Mr. I Think I’m Exempt From Government Regulations: you have to file. See where it says “regardless of where you live, and resident status”? That means you, the fat guy in the Bermuda shorts. I bet you thought moving to the West Indies would help.

Maybe if you’re some kind of helpless sad sack, and you’re 46 and live with your parents and you have one of those mental diseases that make you talk like you have half a pound of cottage cheese down your throat, then it could be someone else claims you on their tax form. In that case, congratulations. You don’t have to file, you goddamn waste-o.

When Should You File?

In case you’ve been living in a cave under a rock underneath a mountain for the last 218 years, you have to file by April 15th. Yeah, just like in all the jokes. You think you can remember that, genius? Well, I guess you can’t, because it’s the fucking 16th already, and you’re late. I bet your forgot your wife’s birthday, too, you sad sack of shit. If you were in the Army fighting in the Mid-East or Kosovo or some fuckin’ dump like that, maybe you could have referred Publication 3, but you wouldn’t serve this country for a million dollars. For which we would tax you extravagantly.

What if You Cannot File on Time?

I really don’t know what the “if” is for in this sentence, since you already blew the deadline. You could have gotten an automatic extension if you’d taken care of it ahead of time, but you really screwed the pooch on that one. Go ahead, call 1-888-796-1074, see where it gets you.

What Are Your Rights as a Taxpayer?

You have the right to remain silent! Ha, ha. We never get tired of that one down here at the IRS. Actually, this paper here says you have the right to be treated fairly, professionally, promptly and courteously and a bunch of other stuff. Good luck with that. It also says that we’re supposed to protect your rights to ensure your confidence in the tax system. Yeah. That’s right. We have nothing better to do than sit around convincing you to have confidence in our tax system. The rights you have are spelled out in Publication 1, because we want you to think they’re really, really important. Screwhead.

Would Filing Form 1040A or 1040 Reduce Your Tax?

Wouldn’t you like to know! Maybe it will and maybe it won’t, but how would it be in our interests for you to pay less in taxes? In case you haven’t figured it out yet, you pay our salaries, Mr. Moneybags. So quit asking a bunch of bullshit questions and fill out the damn form. We ain’t getting any younger.

Need a Copy of What You Filed With the IRS?

Ever heard of a goddamn Kinko’s? You goddamn tinkle baby.

What if You File or Pay Late?

Oh, please do this. Please. We’re fucking begging you to. We love the kind of shit we get to do if you file or pay late. We live for that. And believe you me, Mr. I Don’t Have Time To Fill Out One Measly Form, we need lots and lots of practice. So please. Do it. File or pay late. We want you to. God, I hate my job.

This pamphlet has been produced to bring the Department of Revenue into compliance with the Surliness in Government Act of 2014.

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