The Sum Never Sets
Since 1583, the British Empire has been a name you can trust for all your industrial, cultural, and brown-people subjugation needs. We’ve brought you the railroad, tbe spinning jenny, the difference engine, and the electronically controlled bassoon, not to mention William Shakespeare and a little show called Doctor Who. Whether we’re bringing you world-transforming culture and technology, stealing world-transforming culture and technology, or just taking credit for world-transforming culture and technology, the British Empire built its unique brand for over five hundred years.
But we know not everything can last forever. Ever since you Americans showed us up in a mostly fair fight in 1776, and again in 1812. we’ve been able to enjoy newer and better markets for our products while, admittedly, losing a bit of the prestige that comes with shedding an important subsidiary. Due to the unpleasantness of the 1930s and 1940s, the bloom went a bit off the colonial rose, and we made the heartbreaking choice of getting out of the brown-people subjugation business. And due to various manifestations of nationalism, economic upheavals, and and the widespread availability of mobile phones, we’ve had to take a hard look at our business model and admit that it just isn’t going to work in this new economy.
Hence, this Kickstarter.
For you see, we here at British Imperial Concepts, Inc., believe that the old lion still has some fight in it, and that we offer a product which, though it may not have the broad and forcible appeal that it once had, is worth preserving into this new millennium. The American Century may be on the wane, and the Chinese Millennium may just be starting (don’t blame us, blame market research), but that doesn’t mean, with a slight retooling of our mission statement, we can’t ensure the British Empire still has a place in the sun. This Kickstarter campaign is the first step to ensure that the legacy of dear old Blighty will still exist outside of museums and history books, Texas excluded. Under the guidance of a hand-picked panel of genuine British citizens pulled from the Tory voter rolls and a few high-profile American and sub-continental Anglophiles, we have developed a three-pronged approach towards the preservation and expansion of English heritage:
– LANGUAGE. Everyone knows that English is the only acceptable language for telephone voice menu options, Bible stories, and movies that don’t have those incredibly annoying yellow subtitles at the bottom, like you paid nine dollars to read a bloody book. But what many Americans don’t realize is that the English language was actually invented right here in England! Your donation will help declare English the official language of everything, saving millions of dollars by removing the need to press “1” on your touch-tone phone and finally wresting aviation away from those stuck-up French. However, to prove that we are in step with the times, William Shakespeare will be replaced as the canonical figure of British cultural dominance in pedagogy with J.K. Rowling.
– INDUSTRY. Since Great Britain brought the world the Industrial Revolution, we have seen innovation in technology and practical economics arise from every corner of the globe. Sometimes it seems like we can’t outsource it to former colonial holdings fast enough! But, as the country who first invented modern slavery and the country who first abolished modern slavery, we feel certain that we can make sure that “labor” is no longer a dirty word. With your help, we can not only reach at least 85% full child employment overseas (and that includes you, Yanks!), but also restore the former glory of the workhouse (emphasis on work!), the debtor’s prison, and the sweatshop at home. And for you craft cocktail enthusiasts, the restoration of gin from snooty club drink to necessary tonic to alleviate the agony of backbreaking manual labor will benefit your alcoholic hobby immeasurably.
– ARISTOCRACY. Part of the British Imperial Concepts Restoration Initiative operating plan is that at least 33% of our Kickstarter funds will go directly towards restoring the British aristocracy. This will not only have the salutary effect of channeling millions of pounds into the deserving hands of worthwhile industries such as gambling, Empire snuff box manufacturing, falconry, and wigs, but also will provide gossip-hungry Americans with a permanent subclass of celebrities who couldn’t stop being famous even if they wanted to. Making the class antagonism of society explicit instead of implicit will save time and money, a new pay-per-view scheme for even the most modest royal weddings will be a guaranteed revenue-generator, and our proposed “Win A Minor Lordship For A Year” lotto will create millions in revenue without having to pay blackmail to the state educational system.
Our initial goal of £3.5 trillion will initially be channeled into important upgrades in infrastructure, military power (including the reintroduction of a rum ration to the British Navy in conjunction with our corporate partner Bacardi), baksheesh, and, of course, marketing. Our estimates are that this should be sufficient to re-establish British imperial hegemony in such hot sports as Cairo, Kabul, Hong Kong, Vancouver, and Johannesburg, where we can really get this project moving. But with your help in reaching our push goal of all the money in the world, we can pursue even more ambitious projects to make the New British Empire even better than ever! These include:
* Rec-colonizing Australia with a whole new shipment of boatloads of convicted criminals, with whom the current Aussies will have to fight it out for dominance of the continent — in front of our reality TV cameras!
* Project: Orwell, in which we rewrite all existing history books to make it so none of those dreadful little wog countries ever got their so-called ‘independence’ in the first place.
* A comprehensive £6 million program to finally teach a small group of Americans the rules of cricket.
* A wide-ranging assistance package to the culinary industry with the aim of establishing British dominance in cuisine, including saving millions in spice expenditures with an ambitious food blandification initiative.
* Genetically breeding an indestructible breed of foxes; forcing everyone in banking to go back to wearing derby hats; and an exciting new reboot of Yes Minister starring Bernard Cumberbatch and various Minogues.
And, of course, as with any good Kickstarter, there are multiple levels of rewards! We’re still sorting this out with our accountants, dream technologists, and a small but business-forward group of druids, but here’s just a few of the many highly desirable rewards to be had as part of this project:
DONATION OF £25: Your name (last name only) is inscribed in a new edition of the Domesday Book as the owner of two fine and healthy goats.
DONATION OF £100: Steampunk Rewards Package! We’ll send you a box full of old toss we fetched out of a storage room at the British Museum. Guaranteed to contain at least one pith helmet or goggles!
DONATION OF £250: Become an official regimental soldier! A lot of golliwogs are going to have to take it in the neck for this project to happen, and you can be the one to give it to them, in a brightly colored regimental coat, a ludicrous nickname (choose from “Spotty”, “Eggs”, or “Wish-Wash”), and official membership in the Queen’s 245th Royal Kingslandshire Fusiliers, or something along those lines.
DONATION OF £500: Invitation to the Bechuanaland Legation Ball! The event of the Mafeking social calendar! Guaranteed to include dinner companion who is an Anglican vicar; he knows at least two saucy stories but is a bad dancer.
DONATION OF £1,250: Absurd British given name! You can’t tell the players without a scorecard, and you can’t move in decent society if your name is Kevin, Doug, or Cheyenne! This reward level gives you your choice of Beverly, Cecil, Jenkin, Willoughby, Streynsham, Otho, Probyn, Rokeby, Granville, Welbore, Cuthbert, or Eustace.
DONATION OF £2,500: Membership chair on the Regency Committee to De-Stigmatize Paddling, where you will do vitally important work in replacing intercourse with le vice Anglaise of bum-spanking as the human race’s default sexual expression. Comes with your own set of stationery, a ball-gag, and a rooster mask!
DONATION OF £3,000: A complete DVD set of the Jeeves & Wooster television programme; for an additional £2,000, Mr. Fry or Mr. Laurie will visit your home and attempt to explain what on Earth is happening.
DONATION OF £7,500: Tea! You may say any absurd thing that pops into your head during teatime and no one will be allowed to mention it, because that sort of thing simply is not done, you know.
DONATION OF £50,000: Footie package! You take complete ownership of the North Leigh F.C. Yellow Army, their ground at Eynsham Hall Park, and the right to dictate what is showing on telly in the clubhouse should the match prove altogether too exciting.
DONATION OF $10,000,000: Sir Cecil Rhodes Name-That-Country Reward Package! We will subjugate the African tribal area of your choice, put the natives to work mining tungsten, and name the whole bloody lot after you! You’ll live forever in the minds of your countrymen — and theirs!
Risks and challenges: Running any sort of hegemonic global empire runs great risk of bankruptcy, military entanglement, and the need to give diplomatic positions to your laziest and least competent friends. Additionally, you may find that your ability to maintain an erection suffers every time some fuzzy-wuzzy who picked up a few Marxist phrases at big school calls you an “oppressor”.