The Monster Math

MONSTER:  Dracula

REAL NAME:  Vladimir T. Dracula, Jr.

COLLECTIVE NAME:  Draculae

POWERS:  immortality, flight, mental domination, control over vermin, moodiness

PET PEEVES:  inability to eat aïoli

FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER:  RZA

MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION:  Seven Golden Candelabras of Dracula (1958, Allied Antiques, USA)

***

MONSTER:  Wolf Man

REAL NAME:  Avram Levidowitz Wolfman

COLLECTIVE NAME:  Wolfs Man

POWERS:  physical transformation, heightened strength and endurance, enhanced speed and agility, claws and fangs, ability to attract mates with loud whistle and bugged-out eyeballs

PET PEEVES:  doesn’t get any royalties from awesome t-shirts and calendars

FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER:  Inspectah Deck

MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION:  The Wolf Man Slobbers (1943, Baume’s Rush Pictures, USA)

***

 

MONSTER:  Frankenstein

REAL NAME:  Adam Quintullus Frankenstein

COLLECTIVE NAME:  Frankensteiner Brothers

POWERS:  great strength, invulnerability, can jump-start cars with neck bolts

PET PEEVES:  when people say “Frankenstein is the name of the doctor, not the monster”, when in fact, by a bizarre coincidence, his name is also Frankenstein

FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER:  GZA

MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION:  Frankenstein’s Funky Four Corners (1976, Blaxplosion Studios, USA)

***

MONSTER:  Gill Man

REAL NAME:  Charlotte Perkins Gill Man

COLLECTIVE NAME:  Gill Men, but with a soft ‘g’

POWERS: amphibiousness, armored skin, superhuman strength, can play any Dick Dale guitar solo from memory after only having heard it once

PET PEEVES:  demanded human rights and respect during the liberation wave of the 1970s, at which time people began calling him “the creature from the African-American lagoon”, having failed to understand which word he took offense to

FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER:  Method Man

MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION:  He Gurgles By Night (1947, Derwin Eggboiler Productions Inc., USA)

***

MONSTER:  King Kong

REAL NAME:  Massimo Adelberto di Kong

COLLECTIVE NAME:  “a merriment of Kongs”

POWERS:  huge size, ability to climb tall buildings (New York only), right to demand fealty and feudal tribute from lesser Kong nobility

PET PEEVES:  being drugged, chained, and shipped across the ocean to be put on display like some kind of circus freak, and only getting a flat fee and a small percentage of the door with no points, franchise fees, or a cut of the merchandising

FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER:  Ol’ Dirty Bastard

MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION:  Urban Destruction Modalities of the Contemporary Gorilla-Monster:  Reconciling Projections with Opportunity Costs, Part 2 (1971, British Civil Engineering Association Documentary Films Division, UK)

***

MONSTER:  Godzilla

REAL NAME:  Henry “Dust-Humper” Gojira

COLLECTIVE NAME:  Pantheonzilla

POWERS:  colossal size, armored scales, atomic breath, stomping ability, weak throwing arm but surprisingly good speed on the base paths

PET PEEVES:  that fucking Blue Öyster Cult song, enough already, I get it

FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER:  U-Godzilla

MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION:  Crazed Assault of Lizard Employer III (1953, Nippon Film and Milkshake Board, JAP)

***

MONSTER:  The Mummy

REAL NAME:  Khufu Imhotep-Delahanty

COLLECTIVE NAME:  Mumsies

POWERS:  immortality, great strength, resistance to injury, vengeful determination, notary public license

PET PEEVES:  other reanimated ancient Egyptian man-gods are always eating his food out of the fridge even though he writes “MUMMY”right there on it

FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER:  Ghostface Killah

MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION:  Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Also a Mummy (2009, Birdshit Features, USA)

***

MONSTER:  Invisible Man

REAL NAME:  George Cluny, no, no, it’s C-L-U-N-Y, yeah, I get that a lot

COLLECTIVE NAME:  The Differently Visible

POWERS:  it’s right there in his fucking name, do I really have to spell it out?

PET PEEVES:  people don’t treat him seriously when he talks about Invisible Men’s Rights activism

FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER:  Masta Killa

MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION:  The Invisible Man Who is an Actual Man Who Becomes Invisible and Kills People, Not the Invisible Man Who is a Metaphor for the Difficult Sociopolitical Issues Facing Black Americans (1968, Cinematica Literalus, ITA)

***

MONSTER:  The Phantom of the Opera

REAL NAME:  Gaston Le Phantomoftheopera

COLLECTIVE NAME:  Fandom of the Opera

POWERS:  mask, formal outfit, ability to sing mawkish show tunes that appeal to high school theater nerds

PET PEEVES:  could menace any kind of public entertainment, but only ever gets invited to operas

FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER:  Cappadonna (come on, dude)

MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION:  The Phantom of the Complete Ring Cycle, Part XXXII (1984, The Corporation for Punitive Broadcasting, CAN)

***

MONSTER:  The Hunchback of Notre Dame

REAL NAME:  Leotis Dingenschratz

COLLECTIVE NAME:  Fighting Irish

POWERS:  hunchback, birth defects, severe facial deformities, low dignity threshold

PET PEEVES:  is actually not from Paris at all, but you never hear anyone call him “the Hunchback of Sillé-le-Guillaume”

FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER:  Raekwon

MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION:  Leotis Dingenschratz and the Very Merry Feast of the Assumption of Mary to Heaven (1998, Lemmy Kilmister’s Carnival Funtime Pictures, UK)

 

 

 

 

 

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