The Good God Project
It isn’t easy, being a god.
This website was founded on the principle that we, as gods, are facing a world where being an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent deity is a very different thing than it used to be. In a time where civil rights, social justice, feminism, and diversity rule the day, we shouldn’t simply enforce our wills by altering the very fabric of reality the way we did back in olden times (even though we could, if we wanted to). Let’s face it — we’re always going to be gods. And we always want to be good, especially if we get to define what that word means. But are we always going to be good gods? And who even decides that? Answering those questions is what this website is all about, and also ad revenue.
If you’re lucky enough to be a god (although we think gods make their own luck, especially gods of luck), then you’ve probably asked yourself questions like these plenty of times in the past. What should I accept as burnt offerings if my girlfriend is vegan? Why do my worshipers demand omnipresence from me when they know I can’t be everywhere at once? Does embracing polytheism mean I have to hang around those weird-smelling ladies who are super into midwifery? What’s a good way to make subjugation of women sound cool and hip? If I get to order the killing of cartoonists, can I start with the guy who does Momma? We know that, omniscient or not, you need the answers to these questions, without ever questioning your essential nature as lord and master of all creation.
That’s why we started the Good God project. We looked around the internet and saw too many Lokis and not enough Thors. We wanted there to be a place for truly decent gods to discuss their thoughts, their ideas, and yes, their feelings. We knew that you wanted to do more than fulfill the traditional “deity” roles of unleashing plagues, monitoring the fall of sparrows, and issuing post-mortem eternal judgments; you wanted someplace to talk about the things gods aren’t supposed to talk about. Why you’ve never quite been able to carry off a beard, and what you should do about it. How you can never keep track of all the rules about genital malformation. Whose name you’re supposed to call out during sex. Where to find really good craft cocktails on Mount Olympus. When it’s appropriate to discuss that one recurring fantasy you have about running into Amaterasu at a spa weekend without making it seem like you have some kind of Asian fetish.
The Good God project will bring you the best from our editorial staff, consisting of two Olympian gods, three Norse gods, an ancient Babylonian deity, two former staffers for the Huffington Post, and Devang, who works for our angel investor. We’ll also be taking reader submissions (please, no cuneiform) to get the best of what you’re thinking when you aren’t running the engine of the world or righteously smiting the men who lay with other men without even sharing their best grooming tips. We’ll have an entire section on sports tailored specifically for you, a being of such vast and unimaginable power that all human life is but a passing vapor in the air. And, of course, TV recaps.
In our first issue alone, we brought you Opochtli’s essay on bass fishing on Lake Baccarac, Hermes on drone warfare and how it should impact your selection of smartphone apps, Gulki — the Wendic god of cross-dressing — on cross-dressing in ancient Polabia, Will Lietch on the Cardinals’ chances of signing Jesus Christ for the 2016 season, and Zeus on how it’s not really rape if you transform yourself into a songbird or a beam of light first. We also brought in Krishna to live-blog the Grammys, and to explain how it’s impossible for him to be racist because his skin is blue and that’s why it’s okay he used that word to describe Kanye West so many times. And we’re partnering up with some of the finest sites on the web to bring you such award-wanting numericles as “16 Divine Powers You Didn’t Know You Had That Can Get You Laid” and a viral video of a little baby trying on a mitre pretiosa and accidentally breaking its neck. All this for the low price of less than thirteen Philistine foreskins a month!
The Good God Project. Because you don’t have to be a good man to be a great god.