Vaccination Nation

Hi!  Thanks so much.  Oh, thank you, and thank you!  Thanks.  I’m Canadian Walk of Fame inductee and turn-of-the-century box office draw Jim Carrey, and I’m pleased to welcome you to the 2017 NoVax4NE1 “green vaccine” conference!  Give yourselves a big hand!

It’s always good to see all of you here, especially with your children, who have, since our last big meeting at NeverHealth Fort Lauderdale, surpassed Laos and Swaziland to reach big number 34 on the infant mortality rate scoreboard!  Look out, Senegal!  Herd immunity is for cows, am I right, folks?  Ha ha.  But better than just seeing you all again, or, well, seeing most of you here again, is seeing you all with such good news to report!

That’s right:  because of our fierce activism over the last few years, and the election of science-unfriendly ubertarian Rand Paul to the Presidency of the United States after Hillary Clinton died in that unfortunate weather balloon mishap, the states and the federal government have finally been working together to eradicate the scourge of vaccination from our schools, hospitals, and day care centers.  The American people have spoken, sending a clear message to our elected officials that we prefer the narrow risk of spreading virulently contagious and often fatal juvenile diseases which have already been cured to thousands of other peoples’ children to the distinct possibility of our own kids contracting a poorly understood neurodevelopmental condition that might slightly impair their social development.  And they’ve heard us loud and clear!  Today, vaccination in America is like abortion:  safe, legal, and rare!  Except not legal.

But we’ve got more than our voices and our victories to celebrate!  We’ve got real-world results, confirmed by scientists — statistics verified by the very same medical establishment that used to laugh at us and call us delusional, dangerous morons!  According to the most recent statistical data available from the Centers for Disease Control, despite all the alarmist rhetoric we once heard from the pro-destroy-our-children’s-lives-with-Asperger’s-injections lobby, communicable childhood diseases like the measles, smallpox, and tuberculosis have risen by a mere 627%, nowhere near the so-called ‘thousandfold increase’ the Department of Health and Human Services once predicted.  Proving them wrong once again, the number of fatalities from rubella, diphtheria, influenza, and whooping cough are up a shocking 952% amongst the children of people who identify as pro-vaccination, but only 394% amongst those of us who identify as anti-vaccination!  Most importantly of all, though, it’s that not only are they proven wrong, we’re being proven right:  since mandatory vaccination was outlawed, diagnoses of autism in our children has only risen by 11%!  The numbers don’t lie, people.

Now, some of you are new to the movement, and may not realize what’s at stake here.  You may not remember the days when loving parents like yourself would pick up their kids from day care, and see their precious little angel running with a smile on its face through a crowd of other children, all of whom were said to be ‘safe’ from so-called ‘diseases’ like tetanus, hepatitis, polio, and pneumococcus, if such things even existed, which they probably didn’t because who even heard of anything called pneumococcus until it suddenly — dare I say conveniently — started appearing right around the time we stopped poisoning our children with vaccines?  And that little darling child would cry to mommy and daddy that the bad people stuck needles in his arms.  What were you supposed to tell the most important person in your life, your helpless, innocent, defenseless child?  That, in the name of ‘protecting’ him against alarmist scare-tactic symptoms like meningitis, encephalitis, liver cancer, and death, you had condemned him to a lifetime of being fascinated by stacking cans on top of each other?

Well, thanks to our tireless efforts, those days are gone.  We staked our reputations on the idea that slightly reducing our children’s chances of contracting autism from a procedure we were repeatedly assured didn’t have any causal link to autism was worth greatly increasing other peoples’ children’s chances of getting some dumb 19th century disease no one even cares about.  And we won!  Not only have we increased your freedom of choice to raise your children the way you want them raised, and reduced the odds that your kid will get Aspergers’ Syndrome from an MMR booster from zero percent to somewhere below zero percent, but, in conjunction with the Yuckmouth Coalition for Toothal Freedom, we’ve eliminated the dangerous, frightening practice of fluoridation of municipal water supplies.  These initiatives don’t just protect your children and keep the government out of their developing brains, they also create jobs:  since we prohibited both vaccination and fluoridation, there are more employment opportunities in the medical and dental fields than ever before!

But if you thought were were finished, you were wrong.  Our dedication to maximizing our freedom of choice when it comes to the health of our children doesn’t stop at vaccination.  We’re just getting started when it comes to making sure nobody — especially not your stuck-up neighbors or the federal government — can tell you how to take care of your own kids’ health!  We’ve got a lot of initiatives we’re hoping to introduce as Senate bills for the 2018 session, including the following exciting proposals:  removing expensive and intrusive security measures at schools so that our children can develop a resistance to gunshot injuries the natural way; randomly introducing yersinia pestis bacilli to school lunches just to see what happens; and lowering the age of qualification for a driver’s license to two years old.  If their kids are worried about getting run over, let them get their own cars!

Thanks, thanks again, so much.  In just a moment, Rob Schneider will be coming down to hand out pre-licked mumps-infused Sugar Daddys — not endorsed or provided by Tootsie Roll Industries — to everybody, while I recite some of your favorite lines from The Incredible Burt Wonderstone.  But one more time, let’s hear it: it’s time to privatize public health!

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